To think it’s impossible to ‘relieve stress’

[Bee1511]

Life is stressful. I have two children with additional needs. My oldest is particularly hard work. I have some time to myself when they are at school (struggling to find work around OH’s shifts and school).

My blood pressure has been High. Generally normal to low in mornings but Spiking really high in the afternoons.

My kids constantly fight when at home, my eldest is really nasty to DD, Oh is a great dad but works long hours. DS never chills. He is a constant ball of energy. from the moment he wakes up and takes forever to go sleep. There is no chill time in the evening. Neither are very independent. Won’t even go to the toilet alone. DS is 8 and can’t fetch himself a drink or snack.

DD is an angel to compares to DS. He’s going through a difficult stage of wanting to get his own way all the time.

It puts a massive strain on our relationship. We stay strong but we don’t have any alone time ever. DS climbs in our bed most nights.

Amongst this the normal stress of running a house, paying bills (we get by but don’t have luxuries like holidays), Christmas (Christmas stresses me out big time).

I am also an anxiety sufferer and constantly beating myself up for not being good enough. No close friends nearby. My family don’t really bother. In laws are always working. I feel alone at times.

Being told I should relieve stress but how on earth can I? Nothing is going to change any time soon.

OP I hear you. I'm in a similar situation. Are you able to find small bits of time for yourself with your DH is around? I'm not sure how available it is but is respite care an option occasionally just to give you a break? I find yoga to be really helpful and squeeze it in whenever I get the chance but I get it's not for everyone. It's shit OP, try and be kind to yourself.

Forgot to say, I'm not sure if your children have the same SEN but my two are autistic. At age 8 I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, DS didn't sleep and needed me day and night. Now age 11 he is slightly more independent and things are improving slowly. Perhaps over time things will get a little easier for you.

I'm sorry, OP. Life is indeed stressful, and it sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

I'm the laziest, most unfit person in the universe, but I have learnt in recent years that the best antidote to stress is exercise. A brisk walk in natural surroundings does wonders for me. I know other people who swear by running, swimming, yoga or going to the gym.

It's very hard to motivate yourself to exercise when you're feeling stressed, but I highly recommend it. It will make a difference to your mood.

Also, try to get as much sleep as you can. I find that my resilience is much better when I'm well rested.

And try to connect with friends and family whenever you can. Ask people for help if you need it. It's ok to admit that you're struggling.

Sorry, just re-read and I see that you don't have local friends or supportive family. If you have friends who are further afield, can you at least get some moral support from them on the phone? Are there support groups in your area that would enable you to connect with other people who are experiencing similar challenges? And are there acquaintances who could be cultivated into friends?

I'm in a similar situation but my kids are younger. I have started doing small things at home, just for me. Like lighting a candle. Making myself a cup of tea. Putting something daft on TV (I'm a Celeb at the moment), amid the usual CBeebies/Disney crap my kids want.

Teeny tiny gestures of kindness to myself.

That's how I've started.

I think in certain situations you can relieve stress but some situations are inherently stressful and saying it to someone who is responsible for dependent children who require so much additional care and supervision without support and resources, is particularly obtuse.

Was it a doctor who said this in relation to your blood pressure?

You can practise self care if you have some time to yourself and in that way bolster your ability to deal with a stressful situation but it must feel like a mountain to climb. Do you have any time to yourself ?

Thank you all. I do have some time to myself when children are at school. I haven’t managed to find work around yet so am a stay at home mum do that is handy but the days are mostly catching up on housework and keeping up with laundry. I have anxiety and ocd so I struggle to relax. Also, I spend the whole day on edge about when DS comes home from school. Will he behave, will he not.

DS has autism, DD is not diagnosed autism but it’s Obvious she’s on the spectrum. She’s at least 2 years behind with speech, global developmental delay and hypermobility. Both have EHCP’s.

Our families both live locally but have their own commitments. I have some friends in my hometown about 15 miles away but they are all busy with their own lives for me to burden them. Never got close to anyone in this village.

But funnily enough my all time best friend rang me earlier because she wanted some advice regarding something I know a lot about. First time we’ve spoke on the phone for so long and I haven’t managed to go see her in a while but we chatted like nothing had changed. We were on the phone for a while which was nice.

In am going to take up some more exercise, try and find some support groups, find a hobby etc. I will go back to work one day but finding it impossible At the minute around school netting’s, apps, assessments etc 😴

Good luck, OP, I hope things improve. Meditation is also worth a try. I didn't get on with the headspace app, but I use the calm app and find it helpful.

Incidentally, 15 miles away is not that far. It's worth making an effort. Of course your friends will be busy with their own lives, but some of them may also be lonely/in need of support. Please don't assume that you'd be a burden. I would never think that about a friend who was having a hard time.

Honestly i totally agree with previous poster about small acts of kindness. I have to practice a manual stop thing. Ill see if i can find a link somewhere. Often i get caught up with reacting but actually if i just take a single breath and count to 3 i feel much more in control. When things get too much i do grounding stuff to stop my head racing off.

Often we get caught up in the things you cant change but i find these 3 things helpful (mentally i say to myself stop, shake (it up) and roll with it)

Your options are to try and reduce some of the anxiety provoking tasks, this is often really hard if they are "must do" things like responsibilities but are there any that you might be able to step back from? Thats my stop bit

Second choice, shake it up is to alter the tasks, this might be things like having a smaller christmas, cooking meals in a different way or having timers to limit time on tasks etc. Is there anyway you can make them more managable?

Third is to change your coping mechanisms eg how might i roll with it. This might by playing music, having time out afterwards, or exercise.

My current thing is around cooking christmas dinner. Stop: i have to cook some form of dinner but prehaps i dont have to cook every course. Shake: im pre cooking some elementsin my own kitchen Roll: i have some breathing exercises, and taking some calming music.

Grounding techniques are key for me

www.getselfhelp.co.uk/stopp.htm

This is the stopp thing.

I also like the calm app and have some apps like calm harm, and some self harm related apps that othher short things to distract like games or breathing exercises.

Now ive got a bit better at grounding my partner can often prompt me and i can pull myself back from an anxiety attack which is a massive change for me

I've had times when life has been similar to yours. Don't give up on it ever getting easier- things can and do change!

To relieve stress- go out and do something different. Meet a friend for lunch, go to a film, whatever floats your boat. It may take a while to learn to relax into it but persevere. No matter how busy you are, how many loads of washing you have waiting, regularly taking a couple of hours off will make you feel better. You have to prioritise yourself. Schedule it, stick it in your diary, do it.

Also, is there anything you can make easier at home? Give up ironing, bulk cook etc? It can make a big difference.

How about organising your DCs evenings into a routine where they have fewer chances to fight? If they have scheduled 'help mum in the kitchen/watch tv in the lounge' slots, or 'time with mum/time with dad', or 'chill in bedroom/chill in lounge', it will keep them busy but separate from you.

This may not be possible but would it be an option for you to scrap trying to find school hours work (near impossible) and instead look for 9-5 and use wraparound care (perhaps a childminder?) - thus getting some time away from the home stresses?

Ps can their Dad take on more of the mental load re appointments & assessments

Can I thank you for sharing that STOPP app. It lives on my phone screensaver now!

I also want to say thank you for the STOPP app - think this could really me. I have a son with complex needs and know how exhausting it can be. I would suggest making the most of the time the children are at school - aim to do one small positive thing for yourself each day - maybe a walk in the fresh air. I also read a lot. My son goes riding once a week and in that time I sit in the car and read. I think it's about getting yourself bits of time to get you through the week.