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Original poster

How would you feel if it was your dad?

28 replies

Fortunesrocks · 27/11/2019 09:59

Posting in AIBU for traffic.

Just in need of a hand hold really. My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's yesterday at 62. And I'm absolutely fucking heart broken if I'm honest.

I have worked with elderly dementia residents for the last 7 years so I know what this disease will do to him, and it breaks my heart to ever imagine my dad becoming a shell of who he was.

Any experience of a love one going through it? It's so much different when it's someone you adore.

OP posts:
pooopypants · 27/11/2019 10:08

No experience of a family member having it but a close friend's mum did and I saw what it did to my friend.

(((Hugs))) and a (((handhold))) Flowers

Foslady · 27/11/2019 10:29

Going through similar here. Dad went in with a mild stroke, caught undiagnosed shingles and now is in the murkiness that is a mix of dementia and dillusion. One day he was an fair fit 84 year old and now he isn’t.
I’ve cried bucketfuls, I’ve grieved first the sad that is no longer there, and had to wear the mask throughout every visit and when I have been with mum.
The only thing I can say is every emotion is valid. Don’t feel bad about any thought or way you are feeling- and most of all be kind to yourself, it’s heartbreaking but life will go on, you will smile with the times as well as cry and take any and every positive Flowers

SerenDippitty · 27/11/2019 10:34

I’m so sorry that is so young to get Alzheimer’s. My mum had dementia but was diagnosed at 85. I can’t imagine what you are going through.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/11/2019 10:35

I'm so sorry about your Dad's diagnosis.

As you said, you know what to expect. BUT... don't forget that there are some fantastic drugs and treatments out there. So don't right him off yet.

A close friend's Dad was diagnosed 12 years ago, and is only now sadly becoming incapacitated. And he is at least 10 years older than your Dad.

Hang in there, make sure you have a good support network around you so that you can support him, and just make sure he knows you love him.

So sorry. Flowers

Foslady · 27/11/2019 10:40

And the carers board here is fantastic, they really helped me through when it all first happened and dad was in hospital

P0ndering · 27/11/2019 10:57

My mum was diagnosed in her 50s. I was late 20s. She's now 65 and I've totally lost my mum. She's 'met' my 3 children but has no idea who they are or has any relationship with them. She's now non-verbal, and bed bound. Which is actually an improvement on physically violent and aggressive. It's horrid. Really really horrid. I'm so sorry for your family and this diagnosis. I miss my mum, I've mourned her, but still visit a shadow of a woman who looks a lot like my mum. I will need to mourn her all over again in the next couple of years.

EKGEMS · 27/11/2019 10:59

My father had his AD diagnosis two years ago. I love him but he was a horrible person for the vast majority of my life. AD has made him far more tolerable as it's made him milder day to day but volatile on occasion. I am a RN and also know what is to come and unfortunately so far I've been 100% correct on how he would react to a diagnosis,etc. I hate the disease with a passion. Some of my worst moments in my career have been with poor dementia patients hospitalized and delirious. Sending you hugs.

CMOTDibbler · 27/11/2019 11:05

My mum first showed signs in her early 60's. Frankly, its been way worse than I could ever have imagined as I lost my mum and ds's grandma - he was tiny when it was first apparent and she had so looked forward to being a grandma.
I'd like to be able to say that she still loves us all, but she doesn't. Her language was affected the most at first, but her behaviour followed quickly and she could be really unpleasant especially to ds. Now she's non verbal pretty much and isn't interested in anyone except the dog.

The Elderly Parents board on here has been a lifeline as I rapidly discovered that no one wants to talk about your demented parent, and being able to tell someone who understands about the problem of your beloved mum wearing her pyjamas out or drying incontinence pads out - and doesn't trot out trite things about listening to 40's music or looking at photos - has been amazing.

x2boys · 27/11/2019 11:07

I would be as devastated as you I also worked in dementia care for a long time so I know how how it can affect someone and 62 is still.relatively young and whilst there are different medications that can help Dementia is a broad term for memory loss, different types of Dementia affect people differently and some can progress more quickly than others @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Ludoole · 27/11/2019 11:11

Dad was diagnosed with alzheimers and vascular dementia in his 50s, he lived (if you can call it living....) til he was 70.
It was stressful at times but we found it's easier to agree with him when he saw things that weren't there. His reality was different to ours.
It's heart breaking a lot of the time but we kept our sense of humour most of the time although he could be awful to us all sometimes.
I would give anything to see him now.
Hopefully progression will be slow and manageable for a long time so you can continue to keep as much of him as possible and make lots more memories. He may forget but you will still remember for you both.

thebearwentoverthebumble · 27/11/2019 11:21

I feel like I could have written this. My 63 year old dad was told he very likely had it yesterday. Need to do a few more tests but tbh I dont know what else it could be. I'm also very scared. Feel free to message me if you want to talk. Flowers

raspberryk · 27/11/2019 11:30

I'd be devastated, I've seen lots of close family members go through this.
Heartless as it sounds right now I would see if you can get all of the practical financial and legal things that I'm sure you know about (wills, power of attorney, funeral plans and pensions etc) in place as soon as you possibly can as I know so many have had trouble getting anything sorted once the disease has gone too far and are powerless to do anything at all on the behalf of their loved one.

Tighnabruaich · 27/11/2019 11:33

I lost both my mum and my older sister to it. Close family friend too, diagnosed at 52. It's a horrible, horrible disease.
I'm very sorry to hear you've had this news. Best wishes.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/11/2019 11:36

How did he get diagnosed OP? Is it fairly obvious or was it picked up after a chat with the GP?

I know it sounds like a weird question but a close relative was diagnosed almost 10 years ago now, in their 50s. They'd gone to the GP about something fairly minor and there was a student in with the GP that day. GP asked "is there anything else you have any trouble with?" Relative said "oh I'm a bit forgetful but that's just because I'm getting old".
Student asked to do some tests and relative was then sent for some tests at the hospital and got diagnosed.

They're still pretty much as they were 10 years ago. It can be well managed these days in the early stages.
We're scared for what the future brings but hopefully it will be slow for your dad too.

Eekdatingisntfun · 27/11/2019 11:46

I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. As a nurse, this is one of my biggest fears for my family Sad

I hope for you all that the future is as peaceful as possible. Thinking of you xx

Frenchw1fe · 27/11/2019 12:11

So sorry to hear this. My mil was diagnosed in her mid sixties . It’s a horrid disease. My fil managed mil very well but it took its toll even with paid carers coming in regularly.
The fact that you understand the disease more than most is a mixed blessing. Perhaps once you’re over the shock you can talk to your dad and family members to see what you think is the best way to support your dad at the moment.

Damntheman · 27/11/2019 12:42

Oh I am sorry OP. It's horrendous and devastating and everything you're feeling is completely excuseable. My dad had Parkinsons and dementia with it. One day he was my dad, the next he seemed like someone else's granddad. It was heartbreaking and cruel. He lived ten years, but the decline in his final six months was brutal (anaethesia for a hip replacement sent him sliding headlong down the decline slope). Every now and then he'd shine through, hold on to those moments. Fuck it's a terrible thing.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 27/11/2019 12:46

Big hugs Flowers

I work in a care home with people with dementia and it is heartbreaking, especially at such a young age.

Velveteenfruitbowl · 27/11/2019 12:48

It’s not always so bad. Both my grandmothers had it. One was violent and confused and eventually uncomprehending. The other just became increasingly forgetful and a bit blank but peaceful. In both instances it was sad but in the second there was no distress for my grandmother which I am thankful for.

Whatisthisfuckery · 27/11/2019 12:49

My dad has it and he’s 63. He wasn’t diagnosed until this year as my mother was in denial. I don’t see my DPs very often because I live a long way away, but every time I see him I’m shocked at how much he’s deteriorated. He’s got to the point now where he can’t be left alone, and he’s struggling to do basic things for himself. My poor mother is really struggling. Apparently he’s pretty awful to her a lot of the time, which is such a shame because my dad really isn’t like that.

I have nothing to add other than my sympathy. It’s awful seeing who they were disappearing in front of your eyes and the suffering they go through is heartbreaking.

Original poster
Fortunesrocks · 27/11/2019 13:40

@P0ndering

How awful. I'm so sorry. I am only 24 myself, and I've just had a baby boy whose 8 weeks. Bittersweet to say the least. I adore my dad, as does my DS and it breaks my heart to think we won't get all the years I had so hoped.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fortunesrocks · 27/11/2019 13:47

@GiveHerHellFromUs

His memory has been declining for a number of months now, forgetting where he's put things, forgetting appointments because he's forgotten the date. My mum would ask him to go to the shop for one item such as a loaf of bread and he'd completely forget it, and when questioned he'd say you never asked me to get it. Just little things which build and build and you start to worry.

He went to the GP as he was concerned, where he had the usual memory test, and scored pretty well all things considering. He was then passed onto the memory team who did tests of their own, along with an MRI, and he was referred to a psychologist, and he met with him and the lady from the memory clinic to be given his diagnosis.

I so hope that's the case, and things are slow. I'm not ready to lose him yet. I'm only 24.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fortunesrocks · 27/11/2019 13:55

@pooopypants

Thank you so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fortunesrocks · 27/11/2019 13:56

@Foslady

I'm so sorry. It absolutely sucks. I'm just not ready to lose my dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fortunesrocks · 27/11/2019 13:57

@SerenDippitty

Thank you very much, and I'm so sorry about your mum.

OP posts:
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