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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it wrong to arrange a play date with dd's best friends dad?

17 replies

MummyBec · 27/11/2019 01:32

Hi everyone,
So dd started nursery a couple months ago and now has made a best friend, who conveniently lives just down the road us. Her mum works all day so it's her dad that does the school runs and we quite often walk together since we live so close.

All was innocent enough until this guy messaged me on fb to see if our dc's could meet up for a playdate. He is then started trying to poke holes my relationship with partner, then asked if I'd cheat on my him (which I instantly said no to) and then told me not to tell my partner about the playdates.

I told this guy that even though there's nothing wrong with us meeting up so our children can play together, if he wants to keep it a secret then maybe he should get in touch with my dd's father (my partner) and arrange a playdate with him... to which I recieved no response.

I didn't have anymore problems for a while and thought maybe I was overreacting but then when dd and my partner had gone away for a week with he seemed to start messaging again, starting off innocent but then changing his tune. He hasn't actually said he wants to be anything more than friends and he is also in a relationship.

I've not told my partner about these messages because he's quite a jealous guy already and I dont want to make him worse. I just don't know if I should arrange playdates (in a park or soft play area, NOT his house) after the conversations dd's friends dad. Our children are best friends and it would be a shame if they can't meet up outside nursery just because of this.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

Gallivespian · 27/11/2019 01:36

He’s a creep. The girls can see one another at nursery.

HiJenny35 · 27/11/2019 01:41

I think you know you shouldn't be meeting up with a married man who knows you're married, who is asking you inappropriate questions and is the dad to your child's best friend.
Shut all conversation down, stop meeting up, it won't hurt the girls at all to just see each other in school. The mum or your husband will find out sooner or later and this will cause no end of issues. I don't think you should have kept it from your husband in the first place. If he has a problem with you taking your child out where another dad is that's his problem and needs dealing with however keeping it secret and carrying on the conversation once the dad has made his interest clear that's not on at all.

BillHadersNewWife · 27/11/2019 01:45

Nothing wrong with stay at home Dads arranging playdates but you KNOW that this one is weird.

Avoid and block. Doesn't matter his DD is your DD"s friend. The girls are tiny and they'll have a lot of friends.

wildcherries · 27/11/2019 01:45

He searched you on FB and asked if you would cheat on your partner. He's not after a (secret) playdate. I hope you see that. Block and avoid. The children can play there at nursery.

BitOfFun · 27/11/2019 01:48

What a sleazeball! How on earth did the conversation get on to your relationship? I think you might need to work on your boundaries. Absolutely do not arrange a play date.

TulipCat · 27/11/2019 01:58

Eurgh! He is using your children as a channel for his creepy behaviour. Avoid all interaction with him.

Original poster

MummyBec · 27/11/2019 02:03

I didn't mean I will keep the playdates a secret because I wouldn't do that. I just don't know if I should tell him about the first conversation on facebook. The problem is I can't avoid him, our children go to the same school and he lives down the road.

I honestly don't know how the conversation started but he hasn't said anything about my relationship since. I have made it clear I don't like him in that way and I wouldn't cheat on my partner with anyone.

I was just really looking forward to her having a friend to play with outside nursery but I do know it's not right after what he's said.

OP posts:

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 27/11/2019 03:04

The problem is I can't avoid him, our children go to the same school and he lives down the road.

You don't have to avoid him! Casually mention that you'd forgotten about him asking re Playdates, you're quite busy which is why you don't delete texts -it helps you keep track of plans.
If he thinks you've got evidence you could show his DW to prove her husband is a sleaze, he'll likely avoid you. Job done.

justilou1 · 27/11/2019 03:15

If it was all above board and he wasn’t asking questions about cheating, and trying to pick apart your relationship, I’d say it was fine. I wouldn’t hesitate. This guy’s dodgy.

Josette77 · 27/11/2019 03:32

I would block and avoid. I'm also concerned though that you feel you can't tell your partner about this creep? That's a bit of a red flag.

Confusedmummy2016 · 27/11/2019 10:26

He's just really confused me. He told he was asking because he was concerned about me because he thought maybe my partner isn't a good person and maybe I'm putting up with him because I don't want to be alone (my partner is very good to me and our dd). But he was convincing me enough that he was asking those questions aof genuine concern and telling me to keep the playdates a secret that I was starting to doubt his motives. I guess that's why I started this thread, I wanted other people who are completely impartial to confirm that this guy is weird and I should stay away.

A friend of mine had a theory that he was unhappy in his relationship but couldn't bring himself to end it and was maybe looking for someone else to be his way out. If that is the case then I will definitely stay away. I refuse be the other woman in any relationship, I would never break apart a family and I don't want mine to fall apart either.

And those who are wondering why I can't tell my partner there are a few reasons. The first being that he will make our daughter move schools, I don't want that because she's doing so well at this one and it's been named one of the best in the country, another reason is because, despite me being completely faithfully and giving no reason for these doubts, dp is already jealous of every guy I come into contact with and while I WON'T keep playdates a secret from him, I don't really think adding to this jealousy is the best thing to do for my relationship as long as I have it under control. If this guy gets out of hand I will 100% tell him.

I won't be going on playdates with this guy any time soon because I just don't trust that he only thinks of it as a playdate for our children. There will be a time when we have to see each other outside of school, for example, children's birthday parties, and if they stay best friends there may be other occasions, I'm just hoping that by then all this mess will be sorted out and it'll feel less awkward

Gallivespian · 27/11/2019 10:31

Name-change fail, OP.

For what it's worth, your partner also sounds insanely jealous and controlling, so maybe Creep Dad has a point there, even if what he means is that you should seek fulfilment in the general vicinity of his crotch.

If you can't say to your DP 'X's dad was a bit weird on FB the other day -- it's a pity, because the girls are friends, but I won't be doing playdates with him in a hurry' and show him the creepy messages, then you have a major problem in your relationship.

Bibidy · 27/11/2019 10:54

If he lives just down the road, instead of arranging a 'play date' where you're all there, why don't you just ask if his daughter would like to come over after nursery one day, or come round to play at the weekend? Make it clear that he's not invited by saying it will give him some free time or whatever.

Then the girls can still see each other but you're not hanging around with him.

Hoppinggreen · 27/11/2019 10:59

Firstly, sounds like your partner is an issue
Secondly, no don’t meet this creep

Josette77 · 27/11/2019 13:22

Your partner has major issues.

mindutopia · 27/11/2019 13:41

At that age, playdates are really for parents to hang out and socialise. They aren't for the children. They are surely playing all day at nursery. They don't need to play more. It's different in school when you just drop and run and kids don't really get as much playtime together during the day. I would block him and ignore him at nursery and have nothing more to do with him. If he persists, I would tell him you'll send his messages to his partner. Hopefully that shuts him up.

BillHadersNewWife · 27/11/2019 20:46

Mind of course they're for the children! They're to assist them in developing social skills! I certainly had no desire to hang out with relative strangers when my DC were this age! They play at nursery but that's a different environment and one to one is more focused.

Playdates help them to forge deeper friendships as they get older.

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