Husband and today

[MollysMummy2010]

I really don't know if I am BUR but I am so sad and upset.
My mum died ten years ago and today would have been her 70th birthday. I couldn't face work and therefore spent the day alone - in hindsight I should have gone in as I would at least have been distracted.

I dropped my daughter off at 8.30 and picked her up at 3.30. Husband had a work meal but said he would be back at 6. He rocked in at nearly 9.

Am I being unreasonable to be upset? He also didn't let me know the change of plan which has upset me even more. Not answering Whatsapp's (only sent after 6 when he didn't arrive).

Ah, love, I'm so sorry- anniversaries are really tough. Do you want to tell us a bit about your mum? We can listen even if DH has been a bit crap.

Well I think you are just feeling fragile and sad and your husband is there for you to direct your feelings at. Did you communicate with him that you were upset as it's the anniversary of your mums passing? Don't assume that he should know. People handle that sort of thing differently- I barely notice the date my parents passed away (or my husband) as I tend to think more about them on other more significant dates.

I'm sorry for your loss, and that you didn't get the support you needed. Have you done anything to commemorate your mum's birthday? Could be something like lighting a candle. even an online candle

Your dh said he'd be back by six, he should have been back. Same as any day, but more so because he knew you were vulnerable.

My mum was wonderful and I miss her every day. I also had my daughter the year after she died so she never met her which hurts. My DH knew it was today and knew how I was feeling. I have had some flowers taken to her grave - we are not in the same country so it doesn't help that I feel so guilty I can't get to the cemetery myself. I feel a bit pathetic as I am going to be 47 in a week so surely I should be able to deal with this but I found my husband really insensitive to do this. I am being a total child and not talking to him (47 next week as mentioned...)

Your age doesn't come into it though- grief is difficult, however old you are.

It's probably not a great idea to give him the silent treatment though; he really should hear from you that you feel let down by his insensitivity.

It's reasonable to be annoyed at him not telling you about the change of plan. But I'm not sure why he's more at fault because of the anniversary of losing your mum.

I appreciate that you're distressed, but different people grieve differently. Despite having lost my husband in recent years, it wouldn't really occur to me to remember or think to treat someone with kid gloves on a ten year anniversary of losing a parent. I'm absent minded, don't find anniversaries a big thing, and I'd probably just forget.
That's not to say I'm minimising how you feel.I just don't think you can expect other people to have that at the forefront of their minds.

@saraclara if he hadn’t said he would be back fine, but he then went awol so I had to go to the shop, do dinner, music practice and homework when I am pretty much running on empty today. I crack on every other day and cover him when he feels low (he lost his dad two years ago). I don’t think I was asking much and the lack of communication has pissed me off more than anything