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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect the mil to butt out one day? long, sorry...

13 replies

Dawnybabe · 21/08/2007 14:29

She's lovely most of the time, bless her, but she's also loud and opinionated, and when she gets an idea into her head everybody knows about it.

I had decided to give 8mo dd fruit at lunch time and meat&veg & yoghurt for dinner, the only reason being that we eat our main meal at dinner time not lunch time and I thought if I carry on in that habit she'll get used to it too.

I am now absoulutely sick of hearing about how mil thinks this is totally wrong, to the extent that she keeps saying 'You might think I'm being interfering BUT...' at me all the time. I have now swapped meals cos quite honestly it's not a huge deal and I will get some peace. But can I expect this attitude on everything she disagrees with? Is she ever going to respect me and let me make my own choices? I don't want my children telling me in years to come 'But Nanny does it like this...' I want to tell her that it's up to me, and to stop assuming she can take control, without upsetting the family. I need to stand up for myself or it'll be like this forever! I know it's not that a big a deal, and she's usually very helpful (to the point of making baby food for us ever since she tasted my dh's attempt and now thinks we can't cook) but I need to make a stand or she'll walk all over me in front of my children.

OP posts:

RGPargy · 21/08/2007 14:32

Yes, make a stand NOW!!! You've already changed your DC's eating habits to please your MIL. Do you live with her?

YANBU

ChipButty · 21/08/2007 14:33

My MIL is similar - heart in the right place but.... Could your DH have a word with her? I have found that I am more confident in 'standing up' to my MIL now after 9 years with DH. I found that both DH and I being united really helped.

bozza · 21/08/2007 14:33

I did it like you did for the same reasons you had - main meal in the evening, that is. I am not sure though if my MIL even knew.

ChipButty · 21/08/2007 14:34

By united I mean that we were both of the same opinion on what was best for our DCs.

Guitargirl · 21/08/2007 14:37

Do you live with her? Does she need to know what your DD eats and what time? I think I would say just feed DD what you want (and when you want) and then just nod politely when she suggests changing something and go ahead with what suits you best anyway.

She might think as she makes some of DD's food that gives her a right to have a say in other matters. I would thank her very much for making DD's food up till now but explain that you would like to do that from now on. If she gets hurt or asks why then just tell her that you need to learn how to do it or something .

Original poster

Dawnybabe · 21/08/2007 14:45

She lives 5 mins down the road from us and we see a lot of each other. She's just always been a bit loud and overbearing, whereas I'm fairly quiet and easygoing, so I guess she's used to being the authority on everything. (If anyone remembers me from any previous threads, I lost my mum last year and my dad a few years ago so they're the only gp's we've got.)

She's from a big family, and everytime a grandchild so much as farts everybody hears about it. She's told me before how her sisters fall out with their dil's, so I'm sure she talks about me. This is her first gc so she can't talk about anything else. I've just stopped sterilising everything and she's just said to me 'so&so was horrified when I told them that' so obviously everything I do is gossiped about to all her sisters, and reinforced in her eyes as being the devils work, and then that opinion is repeated back to me like it's gospel and I am getting a bit fed up with it!

OP posts:

bozza · 21/08/2007 14:53

I think your best bet is to let it all wash over you, and carry on doing what you think is best. It doesn't sound worth making an issue about, but nor should you change your routine to meet her approval.

NAB3 · 21/08/2007 14:56

I personally think it is a better idea to give fruit at lunch. Plenty of time to get the dirty nappy out of the way before bed. On the other hand, I wouldn't worry too much about routines that she will need to fit in with you. You'll find that things naturally evolve as her development advances.
Change it back. If MIL thinks she has won on this she will keep on.

geekymummy · 21/08/2007 14:59

I agree with bozza, just do things how YOU want, you're the woman of the house. This is a lesson I've been learning myself!

If your choices are questioned, how about saying something like, "Good idea, thanks! But this is how I/we have DECIDED to do it for now." While smiling

Trust me, like others have said you wanna get this done from now otherwise resentment can set in.

katylui1 · 21/08/2007 20:53

You've got to stand up for yourself - although try to remember that this 'hopefully' isn't your last and so you will be parenting young children for many happy years to come.
DS1 was the 1st grandchild and everybody added their 2penneth, in the end I exploded and a big row ensued.
We all got over it, found our equilibrium and now, several children down the line when someone offers a well meant 'opinion' I hand them the spoon / wipe / screaming baby and say 'great idea, here you go'!
You'll be fine and whether you say something or let it wash will be down to your personality but remember that every decision you make for DC is 100% right because you and only you are the mummy!

Original poster

Dawnybabe · 21/08/2007 21:53

Lots of very good points in here, will try and find the courage to try them out!

Had a good old moan today with mils sisters dil who also got all this treatment until she had a big row with her mil. Things did settle down eventually, apparently, but although she doesn't think mil has quite forgiven her, she does get a bit more respect and a bit less interfering now, so she thinks it's defintely worth standing your ground. She thinks if we both stand up to them a bit more they might back down a bit.

Very pleased I posted on here, thanks very much!

OP posts:

bozza · 21/08/2007 21:57

At this stage I think you should try to stand your ground without having a showdown. Hopefully that way you can show you are not a pushover without a big bustup.

KTNoo · 21/08/2007 23:11

There's a very fine line between being helpful and being interfering, imo. Did you want her to make babyfood for you?

If I know someone repeats everything I tell them to other people, I just stop confiding in them, simple as that. My mum does it. She wishes I would tell her things but I'm sure she realises why I don't.

I can't imagine your situation really as the thought of living that near to my extended family horrifies me.

Maybe you could take an assertiveness course to learn how to make clear what you want without offending? Example from my past - Mum was trying to "help" me by giving me horrendous old curtains of hers because we didn't have any in the living room yet. I didn't want the horrible things but she wasn't getting the hint at all. Then of course I blurted out that I thought they were awful etc etc, cue huff and dodgy atmosphere for weeks. You get the picture - there are definitely ways of saying these things. The ironic thing is that the people you CAN be honest with would never interfere in the first place.

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