How are SINGLE mothers supposed to go back to work

[jasmin93]

Another lady just raised a very important question with the title "How are mothers supposed to go back to work".
Many of you suggested that the partner/father should jump in as 50/50 equals. I do agree with that.

Here is my issue: not everyone has a partner or a father who cares about their children. And just imagine you are that single parent with a 1 year old without any family support.

Out of curiosity, what would you do?
Considering your Full time job only brings in 26k gross a year?

Xx

Rely very very heavily on local family. That's what I do. It's hard. Pretty much all my annual leave is spent on giving my mum time off from caring for my kid. She gets to do all the 'fun parenting' - the trips, the groups. I have to cope with his refusal to eat anything other than three things because she doesn't parent the way I would choose to. I get the sleepless nights (which should be done and dusted by now, but alas nope.)

Mine is 3 1/2. I work 30 hours over 4 days and earn about £34k, which is too much for any tax credits as I'm currently only using the free 15 hours childcare and my mum handles the rest, but not enough to comfortably cover mortgage, bills, living costs etc. There is not a chance of me being able to cover any more preschool hours without making some very dramatic changes. Sorry, OP, but I really don't know what I would do without family support.

I did it. I was a single teenage mother. Went back earning £16k. Thank the bloody lord for tax credits, as childcare would have made work impossible for me otherwise. Eleven years on, I'm on £70k plus a very generous benefits package. And before anyone starts, not a stealth boast, just want to say don't give up to anyone finding it hard. It is bloody hard at times. But providing for your child is a wonderful feeling, knowing that you are solely responsible for keeping a roof over their head and don't NEED anyone else.

I am a lone parent (no input from ds dad) and it has got easier now he has started school (now year 2) I went back to work when he was around 2 and a half and used a lovely nursery. Tax credits paid 70% of fees I think. He is now 6 and I work 2 short days (finishing at 3) and 2 long days. On the long days I am very very lucky that my Mum picks him up and gives him tea. On the odd times she can’t another mum from school will but this is quite rare. Annual leave is obviously saved for school holidays and again my Mum is brilliant at helping them too. I don’t earn half as much compared to my career pre ds but I really value going to work. I appreciate that without family or friends support it would be much much harder.

I went back to work fulltime almost 20 years ago as a single parent on minimum wage. Tax credits topped up the rest. I've never had housing benefit etc.

guiltyofa

"providing for your child is a wonderful feeling, knowing that you are solely responsible for keeping a roof over their head and don't NEED anyone else."

Hear hear.

Not to minimise how difficult it is. I know I am very lucky and for some people FT work is not an option.

But literally every day I say a silent prayer of gratitude that I don't have to rely on a man financially. That makes everything worthwhile.

Good question.
I had to wait for my children to grow up! Well, not quite, but they were 10 and 12 before i got a full time job and i still use up ALL of my holidays between one thing and another.

It was a very hard time. I felt judged, a bit depressed andvworried about all of our futures. Tough times! I feel like im moaning now but bloody hell.

I never really stopped work, very glad when I became a single mother with absent partner after a 20yr relationship because if I’d have stepped out it would have been really really hard to step back in at that point.

I moved from PT to FT made it work with tax credits for childcare and lots of family help. Now no Tax Credits and good paid help.

Without an ongoing career, tax credits and family? No bloody idea it must be very very hard!

I suppose that’s why I am of the opinion choosing SAHP is a massive risk because you never know what will happen, I did not see it coming.

I survived as a single mum, and nurse because of luck more than anything I think

: supportive boss
: amazing best friend
: sons dad 50/50 custody and living 20 mins apart

I feel like I had it easy really but it wasn't at the time.

I appreciate everyone's input.
Many of you mention that without their family support they do not know how they would manage.
"Good childcare" comes with a price tag.
It surely is doable but not the most enjoyable experience for new mothers.
Sleepless nights and a full time job where you have to give 100% every day is challenging.
And for some maybe impossible.
We are only humans after all.

Thankfully this is not my situation. But I do feel for all of you, who were or still are in this situation. You are amazing!
Like others say, I couldn't do it alone.
Xxx

I’m on a similar salary to you and I’m single- recently thought about “going it alone” with regards to having children and checked the benefits etc I’d be entitled to. Nope, never mind, just could not afford it.

It is a massive risk. But a decent fair man will meet you half way, and that sounds likeca good set up with a man you dont have to divorce!

My controlling x though he wouldnt do his share, got angry that i wanted equal consideration.

I don’t need to imagine, I was a single parent of a 1yo without any family support, and without a job to go back to. The company I worked for went under when I was pregnant which meant not only did I not have a job, I didn’t have any maternity pay either. Not a single penny.

I went to the jobcentre and I asked them that question. Many, many times. They insisted I’d be better off in work. They did the calculations. I was not better off in work. They said that hardly ever happens.

I did eventually get a job and £26,000 would have been untold riches.

I'm a single mum work full time and have 3 kids, 2 with ASD. I've used nursery's and after school/breakfast clubs... had tax credits top ups and it's been bloody hard.

In holidays I've relied on friends and the eldest to watch the younger two. Not ideal and although he's old enough it's a lot to put on him. I'm term time now which helps so much.

Honestly? I'm not sure it's been worth it, I've not been there as much for the kids as I feel I should of, I've probably not brought much more home cash wise and I'm absolutely knackered 🤷‍♀️ stay part time I reckon till they are much older!

Sometimes you have no choice. My much loved DH died when our DC were both still babies. Our relatives were 250 miles away and worked full time, so couldn’t help with childcare.
I slogged away for years as a hospital doctor, providing for my DC, coming home to all the chores and doing my own diy, gardening and decorating as well. I financed them both through uni and handed over my pension lump sum for their mortgage deposits. I’m just getting my life back now that I’m retired, but I don’t begrudge them a penny. When you have kids, it’s your responsibility to provide for them.

My ex husband buggered off when my youngest was 10...i found a job and left her home alone way more than i should have...my parents died almost 20 years ago so no family support at all.
Its been hard but we have all got through it.

@Babdoc- amazing beacon of strength! 💐💐

I was a single mum working full time back in the 80's and 90's with no maintenance and nobody.
i took home less than my friends who were on benefits for years. I had a mortgage so no housing benefit. Not sure I'd do it again.

My kids are at school now so I guess that’s a big plus.

My job is also flexible and allowing working from home. The little one goes to after school club some days and the older one now has a key. I have family help one day per work which I’m very grateful for and their Dad (mostly) has them on Weds.

So i guess I’m much luckier than some!

Get paid Ok as I have a profession and never gave up work even when they were babies and I was still with exh.

My friend used a live in au pair, which was reasonably cheap as she had 4 kids.
I worked nights, my mum would only have my kids when they were asleep! It was the only way I could work and be available at home for the inevitable phone calls from school/meetings/after school taxi service. It definitely aged me working nights but I had reasonable money and I was available for the school and kids if they were off sick or on half term.

Honestly? Earn £60k a year. I'm not even joking...

I'm not a single parent but the only way I could make working and being there for my children manageable for me was to become a childminder.

I like to think that as well as looking after the children I am also the type of childminder who helps make the work/life juggling act a bit easier for the children's parents.

I couldn't manage it. Kids dad hasn't seen them since January 2017. Somewhat helpfully though my older dd is in receipt of DLA and I receive carers so I feel slightly more justified in not working but there's still stigma.

It’s possible although perhaps the early years are the hardest. I went back to full time work as soon as my youngest turned 3 and could attend the nursery at the same school as my older two. I work at least 3 jobs - part time teacher (4 days), private tutor (around 8 hours a week), tutor for my LEA (up to 6 hours a week), examiner (seasonal). I additionally teach up to 15 hours a week for 4 out of 6 weeks in the summer and do at least 5 days in summer holiday care provision over the summer.

I relied on wrap around care at school and my mum for emergencies. Sadly she died last year so things are more difficult but as my children are older, it is not alaways essential that I am home just because they are. No maintenance paid by my ex. No choice but to manage.

Neverender has nailed it. There was an article in the times a few years back which said to break even (child care and work associated costs) with 2 pre school children you had to be earning £40k gross......so the other £20k is to live off. If you don’t have a free source of childcare you are pretty screwed.

Yep there’s definitely still stigma to it.