What would you do or would you do'/say nothing? Relative with very dirty home

[Daffodil55]

I wasn't going to do this but just read of the lady who found all kinds of things hiding in the sofa. Not for a second am I commenting on that one as we all have our lazy ways in some form around the home. I am squeaky clean in the kitchen and bathroom but don't think of cleaning the tops of door frames until I happen to see a layer of....... anyway this is what I am asking below.

A close relative works in a catering role and knows all about the hygiene standards required when preparing and serving food etc etc but her own home is awful. Not just untidy and cluttered almost to the point of hoarding as she will not throw anything out ever! Broken items, things totally useless (not a problem in itself if that is how she chooses to live) but no cleaning is done at all. Her own bodily hygiene and clothes are always pristine but her home is such that I and other family will not accept any food if we visit, other than a cuppa and biscuit.

Without going into the finer details it is more than obvious she does not care, she has 2 dogs which are lovely but they are also lying around the dirt. I mean dirt! Dropped food on the floor, rugs not hoovered for many months if at all.

The bathroom and toilet are just as bad and using her loo is a bit of an ordeal. She lives alone other than the pets so can't blame anyone else for the state her home is in.

Some time ago I and another family member offered to help her have a declutter and yes I know, the worst thing we could have said. Will never mention that again!

She is a very keen gardener too and has dozens of re-potted plants standing in her kitchen with spilled compost/soil lying among open packs of food and a whole lot of other things too numerous to mention.

Two of her younger relatives refuse to go to her home and I think it is obvious why.

Would you say nothing ever? It is none of anyone's business I know but she is a close relative and not infirm or unable to do housework and cleaning. She is active in her job. Her home is a health hazard.

I think you need to do it based on risk...so can she clean her teeth, use her bathroom, cook in her kitchen in some way. If not then intervene, if so then let her know you are worried and can help if she wants it but leave her to it.

It has been like this for years. Yes she can use her bath and shower and yes she can cook in the kitchen but the cooker and hob plus her microwave oven and inside the fridge are all grease laden and have months if not years of built up food debris.

She is so fastidious with washing her clothes and towels etc. yet is the opposite when it comes to general hygiene in the home.

I have been tempted to tell her of the documentary I watched a few years ago which showed with night cameras in a kitchen if there is even a few crumbs or spilt food/liquid. Hundreds of bugs and creatures appeared from cracks and crevices and it was both fascinating and awful to watch. They come out of hiding when it is quiet and dark. Those bugs are pooing in the kitchen.

She knows we would help her as we have done so when she needed some decorating and the memory of that is bad. In order to paint we needed to clean first and move things. She lost her temper with us and was so irritated but she had asked us to help in the first place.

Tact and gentle hinting are useless. It is not our place to tell her what we really want to say so we don't.

I could have written this post, apart from swapping the dogs for cats! No one outside the family would know how she lives as she is always immaculate and at work has a reputation for cleaning all the time!

It's my mum and it breaks my heart over the years I've coaxed, cajoled, shouted, cried, guilt tripped and took over and done it myself nothing works and it only ends in years and distress. I even said we wouldn't bring the children until it was cleaner and tidy and she still didn't sort it out. The children are past that age to be worried about risk now but it's a shame they dont have their childhood being able to stay at nans (and I know she'd love to have them) there us nowhere to put them!

Unfortunately unless the person wants to do anything about it there isnt much you can do.... it's a but like wanting to help an addict, until they acknowledge there is a problem and they want to address it you won't get far.

My mum lived like this but when we had grandchildren we told her straight that we would not be visiting her like this. She has sorted herself out

How does she feel about the situation?

Be direct if you want to, but it won't do any good. She's a hoarder and they tend to get very nasty and defensive when challenged about their possessions and living conditions. Nothing you say will change her.