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AIBU?

to not try and smooth things over this time?

12 replies

fit4more · 26/11/2019 17:35

with DH, who has been giving me the silent/withdrawn treatment since yesterday (he has form and once ignored me for an entire week in front of kids). We argued. This is the pattern. He’ll be mean or say something weird/spiteful/hurtful. I’ll be obviously taken aback. He’ll say “are you ok” I went through a stage of just saying “I’m fine” and trying to get over it but it led to me feeling resentful and a doormat and unheard. So now I say “no I’m not ok. The thing you said was hurtful actually” he’ll then storm off. Never an apology. Just push back. It’s my fault because x,y,z...I try and explain why the thing he’s said is hurtful (normally to his back whilst he’s storming in and out whilst accusing me of being angry/shouting) I then do get upset because I didn’t even start any of this! It’s started because I’ve tried sticking up for myself against whatever crappy thing he’s done or said. I’ve explained until I’m blue in the face that if somebody/anybody said to me “that thing you just said/did was hurtful” my immediate reaction would be “oh my god. I’m sorry”
Surely that’s normal?
AIBU to expect some sort of apology or empathy reaction when someone who is supposed to love you says something shitty or spiteful? His reaction includes anger that I expect him to be perfect. But I don’t. I do expect not to be spoken to rudely though. My best mate has form for being rude to her DH. After she says something spiteful, she immediately apologises and admits she was tired/mean whatever but she takes it all and the conflict gets resolved. I feel like I’m going insane here. It feels like the only way to be married to him is to let him do what he wants and say what he wants. Constantly praise him but never expect that back or be able to defend myself against any digs.
So now I’m getting the silent/withdrawn treatment again. It’s infuriating because if he simply was nice to me and hadn’t said anything mean then this wouldn’t be happening! And to make it even worse he was spiteful after I’d queued up, bought him breakfast and served it to him! I want to know if anybody has any clue about why he interacts with me this way and if I ABU to expect an apology after he’s said something hurtful. Thanks

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 26/11/2019 17:38

I used to be married to a man like this. He won’t change and it doesn’t matter why he does it.

I recommend divorce. My life is so much better without him.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/11/2019 17:42

I want to know if anybody has any clue about why he interacts with me this way

Because he's an abusive, hateful, controlling arsehole, that's why.

Don't you want more for your life than this? Do you think this is how normal, healthy marriages operate? I assure you it's not. Don't you want to set a better example for your children? They are living in an emotional nightmare, and this is going to impact the rest of their lives unless something changes.

I think you and your children deserve a lot better.

pinkyredrose · 26/11/2019 17:43

Ltb. Seriously. He's treating you with contempt. Your kids will think this is normal.

pallisers · 26/11/2019 17:43

It feels like the only way to be married to him is to let him do what he wants and say what he wants. Constantly praise him but never expect that back or be able to defend myself against any digs.

That's exactly what he wants. He interacts with you this way because he doesn't value you or respect you and thinks you exist to service his needs/personality. I

blackteasplease · 26/11/2019 17:44

I agree with both PP. He’s doing it because he’s an abusive arsehole.

I’ve divorced one of these and can’t recommend it enough.

The agreessive use of “are you ok” really takes me back. Not in a good way!

HollowTalk · 26/11/2019 17:46

Your mistake was not leaving him when he ignored you for a week. That's terrible behaviour.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 26/11/2019 17:56

Why on earth would you WANT to stay married to a tantruming manchild?

Endspeciesism · 26/11/2019 17:59

Have you ever read about narcissistic abuse? A classic sign is lack of empathy, insulting and silent treatment as punishment / manipulation. I’m sorry this is happening x

Ohyesiam · 26/11/2019 18:07

Flowers. So sorry you get treated like this.

He does it to control. Like you say the only way to be married to him is to praise him and keep your own needs and feelings locked up.
No doubt it’s unconscious, but this is how he wants his life. to be able to say whatever he feels like with no repercussions.
I had a long term partner like this once , and it scarred me.
What I learned was there is no reasoning with an unreasonable person, and he will always be right, and there’s no changing them.

Bronze · 26/11/2019 18:09

He's a narcissist, I spent 14 miserable years with one. You have 2 options:

  1. Accept that this is your life now, pander to him & tolerate it as it keeps on getting worse.


  1. Push back against it which will cause him to look for the adoration, positive attention & compliance he needs elsewhere (affairs).
FizzyGreenWater · 26/11/2019 18:09

I want to know if anybody has any clue about why he interacts with me this way

Because he's not a very nice man.

It feels like the only way to be married to him is to let him do what he wants and say what he wants. Constantly praise him but never expect that back or be able to defend myself against any digs.

Hmm, I think my choice in that situation would be oooof I think I'll plump for the not being married to him thanks...

Seriously - the only potential way out of this is to tell him that either you have relationship counselling or the marriage is over. And I would be more than half expecting it to make no difference at all and for the real use of the counselling to be a chance to be able to get across to him your reasons for leaving, so that when you do you can simply say 'It's because of everything I said in counselling, you didn't listen then and you won't listen now but you can never say I didn't warn you, tell you, and try to ask you to change.'

MuseumDad · 26/11/2019 18:17

Current DP often breaks down in tears when I notice she's upset because she spent just over a decade with someone who sounds like your DH. Things got a lot worse after she started sticking up for herself.
It might not seem like much now, but it's a sign things could be about to get worse. It's your decision, but if he really does show no empathy then maybe it's time to think hard about leaving.

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