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To ask how to deal with passive aggressive husband?

9 replies

Ifimnottheone · 26/11/2019 15:01

My husband is being very passive aggressive lately. He will get in a bad mood about something and then start complaining about everything under the sun - why is the kitchen so messy, why haven't I cooked dinner earlier, etc. Instead of just ignoring him I take the bait and it creates an argument.

How can I be the better person in this scenario? Do I just ignore? What do I do?

OP posts:
cosima1 · 26/11/2019 15:06

Tell him he is clearly stressed about something, but he’s not being fair on you. Tell him you are doing your best. Tell him to be honest about the problem. Even if it can’t be sorted straight away, he needs to go and take it out on something else rather than nagging you. Does he have any hobbies - cycling, boxing, running, long walks elsewhere?

messolini9 · 26/11/2019 15:07

How can I be the better person in this scenario?
Um ... not convinced YOU have to be the one modifying your behaviour here.

Do I just ignore? What do I do?
Pick a moment when he is NOT being a pass-agg arse, & ask him what is happening with him to bring about such a marked behavioural change.
The way he responds to that should give you enough information to base any next steps on.
If he is genuinely miserable about an event or circumstance, you can work with him to help change it, or adapt his response to it.
If he denies, accuses, gets arsey again ... well. I'm sure I'd have something to say to the adult sharing my home who is prepared to compain about cleaning & mealtimes - he can do it himself, can't he? In fact - why isn't he?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 26/11/2019 15:21

Tell him the kitchen is messy because he hasn't cleaned it and you didn't cook dinner earlier because you didn't want to and if that's a problem then maybe he should take over.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 26/11/2019 15:28

That sounds more like grumpiness to me than passive aggression, especially if it ends in an argument.

I agree pick a time when he is ok, and say when you get annoyed at me for not doing x it makes me upset that you dont appreciate my efforts and feels like you want an argument. I get you have had a bad day / are finding things difficult at the moment and I want to support you but that doesnt mean I will take unjustified criticism or be your metaphorical punch bag. What can we do next time you feel like this to stop it turning into an argument, for example do you need space? Can we do anything different so you feel like you can talk to me about what the real issue is?

Unless you dont work and he does and the agreement is that you will do housework but you cant be bothered, or it's your turn to cook and you normally eat at 6pm and it isn't ready til 11pm or something and then maybe its acceptable that he at least starts a conversation about it

MashedSpud · 26/11/2019 15:35

Tell him to kindly fuck himself.

Howlovely · 26/11/2019 15:45

Could we have a bit if background, for context please?
E.g. age, home set-up, money/job security, any big life changes/new babies lately, recent bereavement, general health, etc?
His comments are unacceptable. Unless there is something else going on, he seems to think you are his servant who only exists to do stuff for him and I'm not sure being the bigger person will make him see that he's being really rude.

SilverySurfer · 26/11/2019 16:21

The chance of me doing anything for this person would be precisely zero and you don't need to be the better person, he does. I would tell him to fuck off.

WarmSausageTea · 26/11/2019 16:30

How can I be the better person in this scenario?
It sounds like you already are.

Do I just ignore?
No. Shitty behaviour has consequences. Bounce everything back to him. The kitchen is messy because you (collectively) aren’t keeping it clean. You cook dinner when it suits you; if he doesn’t like it, he can cook. Don’t let yourself be put down by him. Don’t let him ignore his responsibilities.

What do I do?
You could tell him how his behaviour makes you feel. You could also take a long, cool look at your marriage, think about what future you want for yourself, and consider whether that includes your husband.

Frankly, it strikes me that you deserve better.

HoldMyLobster · 26/11/2019 16:41

I think you need to point out to him that he's in a bad mood and he's being grumpy with you because of that, not because of anything you've actually done. Put the responsibility right back onto him.

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