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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is me letting go

10 replies

eenymeenyminyme · 26/11/2019 08:50

DD has changed recently. She was ditched by a long term boyfriend, turned 16, started going to more parties with new friends, is shutting me out way more than she used to, isn't trying as hard at school...

I try to advise her but she knows best, so rather than getting myself into this big emotional knot that's making me feel ill, I'm taking a step back. I'll still make sure she knows I'm here if she needs advice / support / chocolate, but I'm sick of trying to help and having it thrown back in my face.

AIBU to do this? I've been a single mum since she was 12 and her dad is useless so I just need some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing, or someone to advise what the right thing to do is here...

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/11/2019 08:56

DS1 is 16 and I can’t make him do anything, it has to come from him. The think they are grown up yet behave like a toddler: then on another day surprise you with their maturity.

It’s tough to handle them and maybe your DD does need a bit of space to make mistakes.

Keep the lines of communication open.

Inforthelonghaul · 26/11/2019 09:06

You can’t make them do anything at 16 but you are still responsible for them. You have to try and stay calm. Make sure they know that you are happy to give them your thoughts on any situation but that yes it’s their choice and as such so will the consequences be. Provide healthy food and a welcoming home environment. Encourage them and try not to nag about small stuff.

And most importantly of all - be there when it goes tits up as it probably will do. They have to make mistakes so they can learn and we all had to do it.

Original poster
eenymeenyminyme · 26/11/2019 09:11

Thank you Chaz & longhaul - I actually feel better about things already, amazing what a relief it is when you're not going through something totally alone!

OP posts:
happinessischocolate · 26/11/2019 09:11

I was lucky my dd was still in a relationship at 16 when she took her GCSEs and was still pretty grounded, a year and a bit later she's just split with the boyfriend and I barely see her and she doesn't listen to a word, until something goes wrong or she needs to borrow some money 😁

Just make sure she's eating properly and make sure she studies at exam time anything else isn't worth the energy of arguing over 🤷‍♀️

spacepyramid · 26/11/2019 09:16

Just make sure she's eating properly and make sure she studies at exam time anything else isn't worth the energy of arguing over 🤷‍♀️

^ This. There isn't much more you can do other than letting her know you are there when she needs you.

Livebythecoast · 26/11/2019 09:31

My DD will be 16 next month. It's such a difficult age. Not a little child yet not quite an adult. Sometimes my DD retreats to her room or goes out and I hardly see her. Then sometimes she's very needy and child-like. Usually when she's feeling insecure about her appearance or friendship group.
Like others have said, let her feel loved and safe and that you're always there for her

recklessruby · 26/11/2019 09:38

As someone who has been through this twice and come out the other side I agree they wont listen anyway so you need to let them make their own mistakes but make sure they know you have their backs if they need help.
Both my dc made mistakes early between 14 and 18 were horrible years.
As long as they are safe, educated and have you as back up you will be fine. Pick your battles is a good mantra at this age.
Mine are now 31 and 25 and were talking about this the other day, what stupid things they did but they knew they could always come to me (rather they called for a lift home at 2 am than stay in a dangerous situation like being drunk etc).
I had monstrous teenagers but they grew up into lovely adults.
Stay strong OP it does pass.

Original poster
eenymeenyminyme · 26/11/2019 09:40

I had monstrous teenagers but they grew up into lovely adults.
Stay strong OP it does pass

This is exactly what I needed to hear! Thanks everyone who has replied and voted so far, the reassurance here is much appreciated Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
eenymeenyminyme · 26/11/2019 09:41

bold fail d'oh!

OP posts:
Sinopehope · 26/11/2019 10:58

Another mum here who had a very headstrong but actually quite an
immature teenage daughter. She pushed the boundaries and I pushed back, BUT we did layout the ground rules so she knew where she stood. That’s not to say she didn’t break the rules but she also knew there would be consequences. After the dust had settled I would love bomb her (which in hindsight was probably more irritating than losing her phone etc😁) but I wanted her to know that whatever happened I would always love her.

She’s a wonderful person and I’m so proud of her but god she was a horrible teenager 😬.

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