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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit annoyed at friend for this?

56 replies

anmila · 25/11/2019 21:26

Yes, I know I'm overreacting but the ranting is mildly therapeutic Grin

I have an old friend who lives abroad and who I haven't seen in about 6 years. We've been trying to make plans to see each other for years now and have finally gotten round to actually sorting it. I'm flying over to visit him in December for just under a week, Monday to Saturday.

Thing is, he's just slipped it into conversation that he'll be working that whole week. He works 12 hour shifts during the day, Mon-Fri. Realistically, this means the only time I'd actually see him is during the evening, although he doesn't finish work until 8pm.

I feel like a fool for assuming he'd have booked time off work - even just a couple of days if he couldn't take the whole week. For context, I've had to arrange childcare and sort out my own work to give me that week free (I'm self-employed). I booked the flights around 2 months ago and checked the dates with him beforehand and he said it would be fine.

I know IABU to have assumed he'd give up his week for me, but AIBU to be just a little bit pissed off? I'm happy enough to do my own thing in the city, but to be honest if I'd known he wasn't going to be around, I'd rather just have stayed home or have gone Friday-Sunday instead. He said it so casually so he clearly doesn't think it's a problem, but I don't even know how to react!

OP posts:
Beansandcoffee · 25/11/2019 22:22

I wouldn’t go. Will get boring sitting in a cafe everyday waiting for him. I bet at the last minute he won’t be available for the evenings either. Go somewhere else.

Leeds2 · 25/11/2019 22:23

I would certainly go and visit your other friend. Possibly for the whole of your trip. I would have no issue with this friend working during your visit if he had told you upfront.

Span1elsRock · 25/11/2019 22:25

You've not seen each other for 6 years.

You've made all the effort to travel to see him.

He hasn't even booked a day off and is going to be out of the house for at least 12 hours a day..........

Cancel the trip and save yourself the embarrassment of being a very unwanted guest. He doesn't want you there. Sorry to be blunt but it's very clear.

saraclara · 25/11/2019 22:32

Did you ask him if he'd be around before you booked those dates?

saraclara · 25/11/2019 22:34

I think I'd say "hang on - I'm coming over to visit you - not (insert city name). Are you saying you're not going to be around at all while I'm there?"

Derbee · 25/11/2019 22:36

I don’t think he seems that bothered about seeing you. Either cancel, or go and see your other friend for a few days before going to him

Newschapter · 25/11/2019 22:37

Are you staying with him or in a hotel?

Derbee · 25/11/2019 22:38

Although, depending on how far it is, I wouldn’t book to visit someone for a whole week and expect them to be free

incognitomum · 25/11/2019 22:39

I agree with pps who say he's not bothered about this.

Can you change flights to somewhere you fancy visiting?

BlackCatSleeping · 25/11/2019 22:40

Yes, go and visit your other friend. Consider it all a lesson learned.

Original poster
anmila · 25/11/2019 22:43

Thanks everyone.

Hate to be an idiot but I may have jumped to conclusions too early in my OP (I should've listened to you @Ayemama!) he's just let me know that he has Wednesday off and will be leaving work at 5pm the other days, 'probably' 2pm on Friday. Not as bad as I initially thought, but still leaves me on my own for the majority of the time.

Really not sure if this is his effort to make things as best as possible with limited holiday or if it's just some half-hearted thing. I must admit I'm quite out of touch with these things as my job is something I can (mostly) do wherever and whenever. He's a reasonably close friend so I'd like to think it's the first option, but I'm still feeling a bit annoyed.

Haven't replied to his messages yet as reading them makes me pretty moody and I think I should probably leave it until tomorrow or else I'll say something I regret!

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 25/11/2019 22:44

"My only worry is that I'm making a big deal out of nothing as he doesn't seem to think it's a problem at all."
You're really really not. He works until 8pm, and after a 12-hour shift will probably be tired and (I know I am when tired) uncommunicative. Not really the ideal set-up for catching up now, is it? The fact that he doesn't think it's a problem just means he's wrong. Wink

Original poster
anmila · 25/11/2019 22:47

@saraclara I asked him if he'd be free or if he had other plans on the dates. Guess we have slightly different ideas of what constitutes being free!

@Newschapter I'm booked into a hotel as he shares a tiny flat which really just doesn't have space for me to stay

OP posts:
Tangofandango · 25/11/2019 22:48

anmila didn't you post this thread a couple of weeks ago?

IdiotInDisguise · 25/11/2019 22:48

I don’t know really, I booked time off to spend time with a friend who was travelling from abroad. I had told her that it was the busiest week of the year at work but she didn’t care as it had to be that week because that was when her DD had holidays, so I stayed at work late for two weeks to ensure I could take the week off when she and her family were here... Stupid decision of mine really, she told me a day before the expected arrival that she had decided to spend two days in Paris and three in London so she was only staying over for 3 nights, the first day of my holidays she says she had booked train tickets to go to Edinburgh for the day she did find it completely natural to demand to be dropped at the train station at 7 am, and to be picked up at 11 pm (I rang her at 10 to ask the eta and her husband told me that he didn’t know as she was sleeping and she would call me when she woke up, they didn’t even care we would be sleeping as well at that time, the next day we took them to Liverpool and they slept all the way there and back, were busy looking at things and totally ignored us. We stoped at a McD on the way back as someone needed the toilet, we had told them my partner was cooking something special for dinner but they came out with burgers and had dinner in the car because they didn’t feel they wanted to wait for dinner. As soon as we got home, they went to bed.

I’m dismayed at the way they behaved but, it is not the first time unfortunately, everytime I had people visiting from the other end of the world, it is the same, they either expect you to drop everything and be out in restaurants for lunch and dinner everyday as if we were tourists ourselves (and therefore spending our own holiday leave/budget), or they use our house as a hotel, someway they seem to think that as long as they pay for dinner ONCE we are even.

I am not saying you are going to be as inconsiderate as the people who “visits me” but your friend may have had similar experiences to mine in the past and may be a bit reluctant to use his precious little annual leave or go into the big expense of joining you in your holiday if you may have other plans.

What I would suggest is to talk to him and define the expectations, He may be thinking you want to do a bit of tourism on your own or may not be sure how much of that week you will be around, or if you are going to the US... bear in mind that most people only have 1 week or two of annual leave a year, so he might be sacrificing his year holidays if he spend the whole week with you.

Gallivespian · 25/11/2019 22:52

Hmm, a lot of my friends live scattered around the world, and to be honest, it wouldn’t occur to me that they would take time off when I came to visit. We assume I’ll do my own thing in the daytime, and meet in the evenings. Same if they come to see us, really. I can’t take time off in termtime, anyway, and tbh, if you have a lot of friends visiting, you could end up using up all annual leave on hosting.

saraclara · 25/11/2019 23:01

he's just let me know that he has Wednesday off and will be leaving work at 5pm the other days, 'probably' 2pm on Friday. Not as bad as I initially thought, but still leaves me on my own for the majority of the time.

That seems perfectly reasonable to me. When I visit friends and family abroad, they can rarely have all the time off. The above would be fairly typical for those of them who have limited time off.
I quite enjoyed having my own space for a lot of the day, then metting up and spending the evening together. That and one day out together would be normal for me.

emmylousings · 25/11/2019 23:01

I've visted friends abroad like this and vice versa - it's ok to work a tiny bit but not this much! Go, but stay with your other friend too for sure. He has been pretty crap, but you can pick him up on it when you're there...

IdiotInDisguise · 25/11/2019 23:09

So you get to decide how your friends use their annual leave or affect their earners to be blessed by your visit? Grin

That’s the sort of attitude I was talking about!

EmmiJay · 25/11/2019 23:13

Any chance hes pulling your leg at all?

Derbee · 25/11/2019 23:14

Your update makes him sound reasonable. He’s taken a day of, and is leaving work earlier than usual for all the other days?

Go, and entertain yourself during the few days that you’re alone. I don’t think he needs to do more than he’s doing

Original poster
anmila · 25/11/2019 23:21

@Tangofandango no, I haven't been on Mumsnet in a while so I'm not aware of a similar thread, if there is one.

@IdiotInDisguise I'm sorry your guests treated you like that, that sounds awful. I hope I wouldn't be that type of visitor. I'm not trying to dictate when he takes his leave though, I just assumed he'd book some as he was the one who initially suggested I visit this December! If he didn't want to be 'blessed' by my visit, I'd question why he even asked me to go in the first place. I don't think he's being completely unreasonable with what he's booked and I didn't realise this in my OP so I was being a bit harsh - my mistake completely.

Thanks again to everybody for all the replies. I'm going to leave the reply until morning but I think I will go there as planned, spend a day with my other friend and then I can entertain myself while he's working for the other days. I think that's fair to everyone.

OP posts:
Genevieva · 25/11/2019 23:33

You could still go and see your other friend for one night - say Thursday, getting back for 2pm on Friday.

NoSquirrels · 25/11/2019 23:35

I'd definitely suggest visiting your other friend anyway, perhaps Monday and Tuesday if they are free to see you then, and go to see him Weds/Thurs/Fri?

Thinkingabout1t · 25/11/2019 23:45

Yanbu. I’d visit the other friend, after checking that she’s free. Maybe spend the Saturday with first friend if he’s off work.