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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is 15 months too soon?

32 replies

ToothlessIsMyPet · 25/11/2019 18:49

I got together with my DP 15 months ago, he moved in pretty quickly along with his two daughters from a previous relationship.

I’ve found out recently that he is planning to ask me to marry him but his decree Absolute only came through last week from his divorce - is it all too quick?

OP posts:
tata4now · 25/11/2019 18:53

Do you think it's too quick ?

Original poster
ToothlessIsMyPet · 25/11/2019 19:04

I’m not sure!

OP posts:
MinistryOfTragic · 25/11/2019 19:34

I think only you can answer that. None of us know your relationship, and everyone is different. Don't go by other people's opinions, do what feels right for you.

MostlyHappyMummy · 25/11/2019 19:37

Is it your house?
How much childcare do you do?
How much housework and childcare does he do?
How are your finances organised?
Why the rush to marry?

Elieza · 25/11/2019 19:41

You could get engaged for three years or something. That would give you time to know he’s the guy for you if you think you don’t know him well enough. Lots of people get engaged and never marry.

Original poster
ToothlessIsMyPet · 25/11/2019 19:59

It’s my house, we have the kids every other weekend but sometimes I do school pick up mid-week. We tend to share most things together.
I think he’s a romantic who’s “fallen hard for me” but I worry everything’s happening very quickly.
This time last year I was in a new relationship & now I’m step-mum to two kids & potentially married pretty soon.

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 25/11/2019 20:01

Do you want to marry him? How do you feel about that? We got married within a year but both felt right about it and 15 years later still going strong.

MrsJoshNavidi · 25/11/2019 20:06

DH and I met in June, married in December. He proposed after 10 days. That was 28 years ago.

MrsJoshNavidi · 25/11/2019 20:06

I should add that we're still married!😀

PrincessHoneysuckle · 25/11/2019 20:10

I got engaged before I had my decri absolute come through and I was also 8 months pregnant and been with dp (now dh) 11months! so to me no it's not too soon Grin

Waveysnail · 25/11/2019 20:48

You can get engaged and then be engaged for a.couplenof years to give yourself some time and space.

champagneandfromage50 · 25/11/2019 20:52

Oh dear you have got a man going through a divorce skipped into living with you and somehow you have taken on the role of picking up his kids from school? Is it too quick? Hmm sounds like you have simply replaced his wife going the wife work. I assume you deal with his DC a lot when there with you too. He must have found a winner with you, highly likely he was living in a shared house or crap little flat but fell on his feet with you who has space for him. Sorry but wouldn’t be for me

FelixFelicis6 · 25/11/2019 20:55

It’s your house? Does he contribute financially? Maybe I’m a cynic, but he’s got a good deal here... And moving his kids in with you so quickly doesn’t exactly scream great parenting. Why did that happen?

thepeopleversuswork · 25/11/2019 21:04

To be honest with you I think you've got this the wrong way round: I'd be more concerned about the fact that he's moved his two kids in with you than the fact he's planning to propose if you're worried about things moving too quickly.

A proposal after 15 months -- well its fairly quick but nothing wrong if you both feel right about it.

But moving his two kids in in that timeframe is worryingly quick imho. I assume that they only live with you part-time? How do you feel about his kids living with you? Does he do an equal share of housework/childcare?

cacklingmags · 25/11/2019 21:07

You are doing mum work way too soon. He has fallen on his feet indeed.

Grobagsforever · 25/11/2019 21:13

Yup agree with PP. he's found a replacement woman to do his wife work and got a nice place to live..

PlutoAjder · 25/11/2019 21:15

What do your step daughters think about him bringing in a replacement mother so quickly?

Has he had any time parenting his children fully, himself?

Why are you being Framed as new mum so soon? You're his girlfriend not a replacement mum so soon.

ExcitedForFuture · 25/11/2019 21:29

For some people it would be quick. For others it wouldn't.

If you aren't sure than it's probably too quick for you. I think sometimes when you know, you know. Do you think he's moved in too quickly?

Elieza · 25/11/2019 21:52

What did his ex take from him when they split? His house? Has he anything left?

Once you’re married if you change your mind and divorce him he can go for half your house.

In light if this fact and the fact that prenups aren’t legal here I’d be refusing to marry him. Just in case things go Pete tong. Get engaged if you want though make sure he knows you don’t intend on marrying him.

But then I’m very risk adverse. Could you manage in a house that’s worth half what your current house is worth )as you’d prob have to sell it and give him half the settlement) Would it mean moving to a worse area where you would be alone. Or would it be fine.

All things to think about. It could be he’s just a romantic. But I’d be going for a romantic fiancé rather than husband until the law changes.

PlutoAjder · 25/11/2019 21:58

Op how would he react if you said you're not comfortable with this pace & asked him to move out (i.e. absolving you of all step parenting responsibility for his two daughters)?
Would he respect that as a healthy approach to ensure you aren't setting up a family unit too quickly or back off from you?
Whose idea was it to move him AND his kids in do quickly?

Kids need stability, consistency & to feel secure they're his priority. 15 months might be enough in some relationships, but for most it would not.

My divorced friend only introduced her new boyfriend to her daughter after about 18 months, once they became serious, and have only just merged households after a lot of discussion about money, logistics etc, they've been dating 3.5yrs now and her partner has no influence over her parenting; he's not their dad! Who's pushed you into Mum 2 mode so fast?

Newkitchen123 · 25/11/2019 22:08

Hmmm there are people saying have a long engagement to see how you feel.
I say if you feel it needs to be long enough to see how you feel then the answer should not be yes, it should be maybe, let's wait and see.
You say you found out he's planning to ask. How did you find out? Who told you?

MostlyHappyMummy · 25/11/2019 22:17

You talk as if you're not able to make decisions for yourself. As if, once you're proposed to, you must say yes.
Did your dp ask if he could move in or did he just stay over and never leave?
Seems odd to me that you appear to have no agency in any of this.
It's your life too. You don't owe it to people to simply go along with their plans.
You can say no at any point
And don't marry unless you're willing to give up half your house

ApacheTomcat · 25/11/2019 22:18

How long did he wait before introducing you to his children and then moving them in with you?

I would wonder whether this man had spent much time living alone before, or whether it was a case of him looking to move on quickly to a new live-in relationship.

Only you can know whether it's too soon for you but the fact that you've posted here about it indicates that something is niggling at you.

Newmumma83 · 25/11/2019 22:21

My nan and grandad got married after 6 months ... they never parted until he died.

But it felt right ... if you don’t know I suggest a long engagement... or drop a hint that your not ready ... because you guy may be telling you something isn’t right

Newmumma83 · 25/11/2019 22:21

Gut not guy