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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset for DS (excluded by friends)

27 replies

Fruitflylady · 25/11/2019 17:07

DS (13) found out on Saturday evening that 8 of his friends were all at a sleepover he’d not been invited too. Only 2 others of his school friend group had also not been invited. He has since been told it was a joint birthday celebration for three of them, one of whom, let’s call him A, has been his best friend since they were 5 years old.
He messaged another friend, let’s call this one B, during the evening while the party was going on to ask where he was (no reply) and later heard this child B on a live Instagram video saying my DS ‘has found out about the sleepover’, which suggests they’d all talked about him not being invited at some point before.
How can I help him move on from this? He’s very upset as he now thinks this best friend, or indeed any of his friends, don’t like him as much as he thought. I am good friends with both boys’ mums....is it worth mentioning to them or will this cause more trouble for DS?

OP posts:

churchandstate · 25/11/2019 17:19

How awful for him. What would you say to the mums though?

MrsSwears2Much · 25/11/2019 17:22

God. This is one of my worst nightmares. And especially tricky for you because you are on good terms with the other mothers.
I'd like to think I would message the mum of his 'best friend' to see what has happened. If only so that your son knows exactly where he stands with these boys.

Chocolatecake12 · 25/11/2019 17:25

Such a horrible situation. How has it been for him at school today?

Original poster

Fruitflylady · 25/11/2019 17:25

I don’t know, there’s nothing they can do about it now, but what’s making me feel worse is that I was out with both mums on Friday night and at one point I commented on what a lovely friend group they all had, and all the time they were sat there knowing that their DSs were heading off to this sleepover the following evening without mine

OP posts:

Emeraldshamrock · 25/11/2019 17:25

I wonder why they didn't invite him especially as you're good friends with the DM's.
I would ask. It's horrible are they in the same school.

churchandstate · 25/11/2019 17:27

That’s frustrating, but I think the risk of messaging them is that they either shrug their shoulders and say their sons choose their own friends, or (which is worse) their children find out you are involved and that embarrasses your DS.

Emeraldshamrock · 25/11/2019 17:28

Tbf the DM's are not coming off very well either.
As you were out with them Saturday, it is terrible OP.
I wouldn't ask them.
I am friendly with DDs friends DM's not socialising friendly way.
They should have said.

Todaythiscouldbe · 25/11/2019 17:28

This happens to my son all of the time. He had some issues at primary school that meant he didn't join in with much. All sorted now, but, at 15 he still doesnt get invited anywhere. It's heartbreaking but all I can do is make sure our house is always open and he's not lonely. Kids can be horrible, however in my experience it's parent led.

Emeraldshamrock · 25/11/2019 17:29

Friday

TheNameGames · 25/11/2019 17:31

Do you think Child C may be the reason? Does your son get along with him?

I would advise definitely do not say anything. If there is a specific reason and the children find out, you got involved on behalf of your son, he will never hear the end of it at school.

Witchend · 25/11/2019 17:31

As you're good friends, if you can say casually, without sounding emotional something along the lines of:
"Ds says there was a sleepover with everyone except him and X. Can you just let me know-has he upset anyone?"

That way you're not saying "how dare you not invite him?" but more trying to find out if there is an issue.
It may be that one person did the inviting and only afterwards has said it was 3 birthdays to try and deflect any blaming away from them.

Whiskers14 · 25/11/2019 17:37

If you're good friends with the boys' mums, I'd message them saying it's a shame they felt they couldn't mention your DS hadn't been invited when you were out on Friday and that while no kid can automatically expect an invite every time he's pretty gutted to be left out this time and has anything happened between the boys you should know about? That way you're making the point you think they've all treated him (and you) like shit without going nuclear on them.

dancingbadger · 25/11/2019 17:49

Yanbu to be upset by this, it's horrible when your child has been upset by someone and you feel pretty powerless to do anything about it. I agree with pp that it was pretty shady of the mums to have left him out and not explained the situation to you, as they would probably feel upset if the shoe were on the other foot.
On balance I probably wouldn't say anything to the mums they don't sound like they're very trustworthy and these things can quickly escalate if one of them likes a drama. I'd minimise it as much as possible to DS and maybe organise a little sleepover with just a couple of mates (of his choosing) so he feels like he's had a treat too.

Original poster

Fruitflylady · 25/11/2019 17:57

Thanks for the sympathy! Feeling a bit miserable myself!
Over the weekend we were reassuring him with the fact that the sleepover was held at the house of a boy who he’s not that friendly with, although still within their friend group. We told him it’d be because of a limit on numbers or something like that, but at school today he found out that it was actually done as a birthday celebration rather than a random sleepover, which has made it all worse from his point of view.
He’s been muddling along ok with them all today but came home upset about where he now stands with his best friend.

OP posts:

TheDuckSaysMoo · 25/11/2019 18:00

I would second witchend's message style. I went through this with my ds at 11 and our priority was to ensure there was no bullying while recognising you cant force people to be friends. We also talked to our son about not excluding himself if he wanted to stick with his "friends " long term. Within a few months he was back in the gang and his ex-best friend had been ousted. It was a horrible few months. Everyone is back in the gang today thankfully. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Emeraldshamrock · 25/11/2019 18:05

I'd message them saying it's a shame they felt they couldn't mention your DS hadn't been invited when you were out on Friday and that while no kid can automatically expect an invite every time he's pretty gutted to be left out this time and has anything happened between the boys you should know about?
This is perfect.
Direct non emotional. I'd be upset they mention it in your company only 24 hours before.
Very under handed.

Emeraldshamrock · 25/11/2019 18:05

*didn't.

Witchend · 25/11/2019 18:08

I'd also say that the parents you were out with may have had no idea. When my dc were teens I knew whose house they were at, but I wouldn't have known exactly who was invited.
Unless it came up, birthdays/sleepovers then it may just not have been mentioned, not they were avoiding the issue, but there wasn't anything as far as they knew to discuss.

Spied · 25/11/2019 18:16

I feel for you-and him, however I wouldn't go speaking to the other mum's.
Friends blow hot and cold at these ages.
It's not worth causing conflict with other mum's as chances are your son will be best buddies again next week and you're left feeling awkward after causing issue with the mum's.
I however wouldn't put too much emphasis on him and his 'best' friend. Just because they have been close growing up doesn't mean as they enter their teenage years they need to continue to be friends. Maybe this boy feels like he is changing and there are others he gets on better with.
Maybe your ds just needs to find his own tribe and not pin so much on this other boy/group.
This does not need to affect your individual friendship with the mothers as if you are good friends then whether or not you children are firm friends shouldn't matter.

cheesewitheverything · 25/11/2019 18:30

That is so upsetting for your ds and you, op - really horrible and YANBU at all. I wouldn't message though, and I'm in two minds whether I'd mention it at all to be honest, as it could all get worse, if anything. If you know one of the mums really well and can mention it to her to try and find out more, then do that. The problem with an actual text or similar is that it can be shown around, copied or whatever and I think you need to be careful. Being separated from the herd is always dangerous! If the other mums are actual friends then you can probably smooth it over okay, as other events will move them all on soon, but if they are only people you know who are 'friendly' then that can be a big difference. If it was my ds, I'd be very upset on his behalf, but this is one of those shitty things that happens as they get older and get might have to just grin and bear it, not let them know how hurt he is. I suspect that the child he knows least is doing a good job of 'poaching' friends and breaking up a group he wants to get into. So sorry this is happening to your ds.

hopeishere · 25/11/2019 18:41

It's so hard. I'm friendly with two mums and I know they arrange stuff with DSs without mine.

The Friday thing does make it even more awkward.

daffydowndilys · 25/11/2019 18:54

I would casually ask the mums if they know of there has been a falling out which has
caused a bit of a rift in the friendship group. Don't ask specifically about the sleep over but just in general.

Original poster

Fruitflylady · 25/11/2019 19:10

I messaged mum of A and she has told me it wasn’t specifically a birthday thing for him, and was arranged by the other child my DS is less friendly with. She’s trying to arrange a separate celebration with A and my DS at some later date. Hopefully this will help with being left out of the sleepover (although he’s still a bit down about it)

OP posts:

hopeishere · 26/11/2019 06:59

Can you help him focus on the others who were not invited and maybe do something with them?

RedskyToNight · 26/11/2019 07:53

If their normal friendship group is 11 children I don't think it's reasonable to expect them all to be invited to everything (especially something like a sleepover where there is a limit to how many people you can actually fit!). My DD has a similar large friendship group and it's absolutely a given that only a subset of them will be invited to any given thing ... and as long as it's not always the same people excluded (which doesn't sound the case from OP) none of them give it a second thought. I'd really look at building up your DS's resilience - sure it's upsetting to miss out, but he shouldn't instantly jump to "everyone hates" me. Do not mention it to their mums - they are old enough to sort this out for themselves!!

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