Looking for a little solidarity on this one. Long post apologies!
Recently, and I don't know what it's been triggered by, but I can't stop thinking about my own mortality and losing my parents/ brother/ husband- we are a close knit family.
31 years old, married almost a year, no children (just yet)
This feeling has hit me like a bus, I have always been angst-y as a child about death, something I thought about at night, but now it's invading every minute of the day currently.
When I try to push it aside and rationalise "everybody dies", "you're only 31", I can't seem to get the idea of the ticking of time out of my head, thinking yes, fine, I'll ignore it for today, but it's inevitable. I want to almost push pause on life and have everything stay the same, lose no one (naive and impossible I know)
I'm not particularly religious, I'd describe myself as hopefully agnostic. If you find comfort in faith I envy you to a point, but I don't think death means sitting on a cloud playing a harp next to God. I think it's likely unconscious nothingness (terrifying).
Do you learn to cope with this in time/ with age? Does age bring a sense of accomplishment? Will I feel differently once I have children? I'm interested in everyone else's thoughts. I've read articles that say younger people fear death, older people fear the pain of death which appears a big shift to me
I've read a lot of people who say they don't need a legacy, that the love their family has for them is enough, but then my mind spirals into, if you get 70-90 years and that's it forever, what is the point in existing at all? And after your children die, do you grandchildren remember you, you're essentially just forgotten.
I'd love to approach it with the stoicism some people do, but at the moment it's causing me real issue- anxiety, panic, heart palpitations, nausea, lack of appetite. I feel like i'm not "me" as I can't enjoy anything, it's struggle to concentrate, laugh.
I feel as if my fear invades everything, sat on me like a huge weight.
I went to my GP and he was great, said that most people experience some form of existential crisis, of "what does it all mean" and was reluctant to hand out any pills/ antidepressants, which myself I admit I'm reluctant to take.
I've also had 4 sessions (early days) with a psychotherapist, which seems to have resulted in 4 sessions of me crying and feeling no better currently- I mean what's she going to say- there's no fountain of youth.
I suppose with this post I'm not looking for a "fix", just some comfort, to know I'm not alone, if you've experienced something like this, how you have coped.
We want to try for a baby next year, and I'd like to work on a better mental state.