Hosting family

[womanandmouse]

Just looking for some outside perspective on a family situation. My sister moved abroad just over five years ago and now lives in Canada. Her and her partner have just about enough wealth/income that they don't have to work so they don't have jobs there yet. They have two flats in London which they rent out, which probably generates at least £600/week, their house in Canada is mortgage free. They have been coming over to London for a period of about 2 - 3 months (in one go) each year to catch up with friends etc and also have holidays in Europe, as well as occasionally coming back on other trips during the year. During this time they have expected to stay with my partner and I for long periods as we are lucky enough to have a spare room. They have stayed with us for sometimes 2/3 weeks at a time which we have found difficult whilst working, plus my sister can be quite highly strung. Obviously she is my sister and I love her to bits but having them stay any longer than about 3 nights just feels like too much and I am driven insane. We have recently had a baby and this year have put our foot down and said we are not able to host them at all, this has proved controversial. We suggested they get a hotel or Airbnb and sister was horrified, they have ended up staying with my parents and other friends/family. My sister and I have drifted apart and whilst she is at home in Canada we rarely ever speak on the phone. They have never asked us before booking flights and instead tell our parents the dates, then when they are here they don't make plans then ask at the last minute if/when they can stay. We have never stayed in any of their houses even for a single night but my sister seems to have a sense of entitlement that we should host them as much as required whenever they want. It has now got to the point where I do not want them staying at all or feel I will have to limit stays to a specified number of nights in future, though this will undoubtedly cause a great deal of friction. Can anyone shed any light on this dilemma or provide any tips for dealing with this situation sensitively? We don't want to fall out but have increasingly begun to feel like we are being exploited and used as a free hotel and I am already becoming stressed and anxious about the next visit/s and requests. AIBU? Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this and help me with this issue :)

YANBU. Let's be honest, considering you have drifted apart, they are just using you as a free place to stay. I think you have done your hosting duties now and they can make other arrangements. I won't move children from their rooms for guests anyway, so technically in a year or so you won't have a spare room anyway.

Thanks. We still have a spare room after baby has their own room, which is part of the problem, I think their view is that we have the space therefore we will of course accommodate them.

Stick to your guns! She sees you as a free doss house. Nope. They go AirB&B and if she strops, oh well.

Good for you at changing their expectations that they use you as a free dose. If they had been the sort of houseguests that you would welcome (helpful, generous etc) then it wouldn’t be a problem, but they obviously don’t respect you, so be pleasant when/if you see them, but ignore any stroping.

Dose should be ‘doss’

OP, my goodness what a selfish entitled brat you have as a sister.

Two flats being rented out and she is using you as a hotel.

Don't get into it. At all.

It no longer suits you. End of.

Do not get into a discussion about it.

It no longer suits you.

You are being used.

If she wants to fall out with you, that is HER choice.

Do not get into any discussion about it. Keep saying.

It no longer suits you.

What a selfish brat.

💐

Just stick to the script, “we’re not hosting anyone for the foreseeable future, let us know when you’re over and we’ll meet up sometime”

You seem quite jealous of their financial situation, so would I! They can obviously afford a hotel. You also say you are drifting apart - when your sister does stay do you spend this time getting closer / reacquainted again? Or do they literally use you like a hotel and don't spend any quality time with you?

You could tell a little white lie - we've taken a week day lodger as found things tougher financially since having the baby

Or you be jokey/ truthy and say - I would have you stay but you are such crazy house guests lol, I can't spend 3 weeks cleaning up after you and the baby

Or be honest and say - I felt hurt last time as over the 3 weeks you stayed with me you only spent one day with me

No YANBU at all

Cheeky mare . They have enough money coming in each month that they could hire and Air BnB or even stop in a hotel .

Stick to your guns OP

Thanks all. We do spend time together when they are over and it is obviously lovely to see them, but in the end because of the sheer length of time they stay I feel it eventually negatively impacts the relationship. They have lots of different social activities happening when they are visiting and tend to do things separately and make plans at the last minute, which can be stressful in terms of cooking meals etc. They are not unpleasant and perhaps in their minds do not see any problem with what they are asking.

I am not especially jealous of their financial situation (honestly! ;)) as I still do not feel my sister is happy, possibly in the relationship. It just seems that with the amount of equity/property they have, they should make one of the flats available if they want to spend so much time visiting, rather than using us as a 'free' hotel. In any case they often moan about financial hardship?! LOL! I think my sister still suffers from jealousy and sibling rivalry, and likes to manage and control the relationship with my parents, even from far away, which is part of why she doesn't contact me; she phones them all the time.

Most rentals are for a year - you can't kick your tenants out whenever you visit!

My husbands family live abroad so I've constantly got people coming to stay, and we live near Manchester so often my family come and stay too when they have something planned. I love it! More the merrier. You've said they are nice house guests, it's the cooking that gets you down. So what about cooking? Have a few pizzas / fresh ravioli and sauces or get a good old takeaway. If plans change, freeze it and use another day.

You're drifting away from your sister - that would be my priority, to fix that. My sister passed when I was 5 and I'd do anything for a sister (although blessed with brothers) and it always astounds me that people can give up so easily.

It doesn't seem like you think being honest with them is an option. In that case you're just going to have to say 'no, we can't do that date', or make up some excuse (havent you got any other friends or family that could be coming to visit a few days after they wanted to stay?). Have you ever gone to visit them in Canada?

Would you tolerate a friend being such an entitled little shit? I very much doubt it. She may be your sister but she certainly doesn't hold you in high regard.

They have never asked us before booking flights and instead tell our parents the dates

How fucking rude! But I don't understand why you can't tell your sister she's being rude??!

"Sorry, we can't have you to stay then, we're redecorating the spare room. Please can you ask us in advance in future." (You don't actually have to redecorate the room - if asked, you couldn't agree on the colour, or the baby was poorly, or you just didn't get round to it in the end...)

Turn a spare room into a gym/office/sewing room.
If I moved abroad and wanted to come back then I'd keep a good relationship with that family member.

Are they wanting to stay with you as you’re in a city or somewhere central for them to stay?

We lived in London for a long time and lots of friends would stay with us often, we moved 30 miles south and some of my school friends I have barely heard from.

It’s lovely to have friends and family to stay, but like fish, they do go off after 3 days. It’s hard to host for any longer especially with a baby!

Stick with it, does she have any children? When/if she does, she would understand.

@mclover - sorry to hear about your sister, that’s awful :(

HOWEVER... the op’s sister isn’t your sister, this woman is using her sister, badmouthing/manipulating relationships between her and the parents and treating the op with contempt

It’s very easy to attach our own pain to the situation of others, sad fact is that some people are born nice, others are born less so, some people make us happy, others make it their life’s work to make others feel worthless.

Nobody like the op gives up on a family member “easily”. With some people, to protect ourselves, reducing contact or staying clear boundaries is the only way to manage them.

Thanks all. I think my partner and I have realised now we have our baby that we have positioned ourselves within the family in a certain way. We are the reliable ones who always stepped in and now everyone has come to expect we will behave a certain way and always host and cater etc, even though we are not in well paid professions and have a large mortgage. Now we have a baby I have had a sudden moment of realisation of the patterns and behaviours that have been established.

My sister meanwhile has regressed to having a teenage attitude to life. She is incredibly self absorbed and thinks, since she left the UK, that everyone should roll out a red carpet when she arrives. I don't think my sister is a 'bad person', I feel sorry that she seems to so desperately seek the approval of our parents even though we are now in our 40s.

The reason it's difficult to call her out e.g. on last minute decisions to come and stay without asking, is because it's all done quite cleverly and is part of her very unique persona which can be quite subtly controlling/manipulative, or "just her" depending on how you see it.

You need to get in first now.
Call or email that as from now you are unable to put family up and you are sure they'll understand.
You are telling them now to save any disappointment when they just turn up.
Tell your mum when they call with dates to tell them to contact you as you aren't hosting anymore.
Otherwise they'll just turn up again.

Good for you OP.

You can't change the dynamic until you understand what it is.

There doesn't need to be any drama, just a subtle switch to " that doesn't work for us".

On a loop.

Not your job to fix your sister.

But you CAN choose not to accommodate her demands.

💐

We live abroad in Europe and quite often have people want to come and stay with us. I like having guests but have found this really quite stressful and work full time so can't run around after people. I have now changed my attitude and basically tell people they can come but they need to look after themselves. I will say which evenings/days we can spend with them but other than that I don't cook for them, I don't plan their time, I don't clean up after them, I don't get them drinks (unless I'm getting one for myself) and I do my own thing as much as I need to.

It has helped massively and people on the whole have been very understanding.

I'm not saying you should do this, as it sounds like there is bad feeling. I'm just sharing my own experience for another perspective.

In any case they often moan about financial hardship?!

WTF? Suggest they might perhaps want to get jobs in that case.

They have their own properties in this country, maybe also suggest they stay in one of those.

You have a baby. Focus on your own family. Your spoilt sister can fend for herself. Agree with @Drabarni tell your parents (and everyone else) that now you have baby, you cannot host them anymore. I'm sure they'll survive!