To tell my nan about what's gone on the last 6 hours (long read)

[Yellowskies1988]

Ok basically mine and my sisters mum passed away when we were young, 10 years ago. I was 20 my sister was 17.

We lost 2 cousins through suicide in the last 2 years (brother and sister)

I get on with things, suffered from depression, not helped by the fact my wife has a terminal illness and my oldest son has been diagnosed with autism.

Our nan who we are not as close to has only a few days to live, shes in intensive care, she had a heart attack and the doctors dont think she will get through this time.

I'm really close to my sister and we are to my mums mum, she does alot for us between work, has my kids between shifts, let's my sisters dog out, t buyshings randomly (towels, cupboard snacks, always treating my kids). She generally keeps an eye over us. My grandad is getting worse with dementia, he was like a dad to me but my nan is starting to show fatigue IMO. So I dont ask her to have the kids as much lately, I never expect her to do anything but she always goes that extra step. She helps most days on the school run around my shifts, either fetching or taking.

ANYWAY, bit of background to that... my sister has been struggling mentally. She lives alone, 2 min walk from me, she has a female partner but my sister goes missing in the night randomly and easily influenced by alcohol. Tonight I had a call asking me to go check on her at 2am. Her partner doesn't live there all the time and was away but she rang me. I got there, her neighbour heard shouting and banging as i arrived but silence for a few mins. Decided we should kick the door as her keys were in the lock. Ran upstairs and she was laying face down with a belt around her neck.

Paramedics came and said she hadn't done a good job, if she really had wanted to she seemed like she was capable of doing the worst.

She was adamant that I shouldn't tell my nan but having to explain why her front door isnt on properly and lying I'm not comfortable with. But my nan is going through so much at the minute currently. This would really hurt her.My sister needs help, the medics rang and support are coming out to her today, they couldn't force her to go hospital as she passed their checks and the way she tried to hurt herself was more a cry for help apparently. Anywhere her partner is over now I've just come back to bed. Head is spinning.

Thanks in advance for reading.

I’m a bit confused, the nan you’re talking about telling isn’t the one seriously ill in hospital? As I wouldn’t tell her anything.
Assuming that it’s not that nan and a different nan then I can see why your sister doesn’t want to tell her and I can see the argument for “protecting” her but I don’t think I’d be able to not tell her. I don’t think keeping things from people is a good idea and I think your nan would be very hurt as it’s likely she’ll find out at some point. I think there’s a way of telling her and trying not to put pressure on her to do anything more to help as she’s got a lot on her plate already but I’m imagining she knows things are difficult for your sister and having someone else to at least pick up warning signs is never a bad thing.
I’m hoping that you’re getting some support too as you’ve got a lot going on.

No. I’m sorry for your situation and hope everything gets better for you and your sister and everyone involved. But your nan has a few days to live. If I were you, I’d be trying to make sure they were peaceful and happy days and in the situation you described, I would lie or just try and change the subject as best as I could.

No guys sorry my nan who we are close to is fine. She is the one I'm not sure about telling.. obviously not going to tell my nan in intensive care

The main thing is to support your sister and get her the help that she needs. And that would include respecting her wishes not to tell nan right now.
Get the door fixed, tell a white lie and once things have calmed down a little your sister can speak with nan ir you can. She’ll need help and her family including nan.

From your update, I wouldn’t actively tell her, there’s no point in doing so, but I wouldn’t lie either, because she probably suspects something is going on and if your sister is that out of control, she or anybody else won’t be able to hide it if your nan witnesses it for herself, or somebody else mentions it. As cult said, the main thing is to try and support and help your sister

I would not tell your Nan. I'd be a bit evasive about the door...

You could say your sister locked herself out and they had to break it to get in
So sorry you’re having such a tough time - hope things turn a corner for you soon

Blimey, you poor thing. I hope your sister is going to be OK. Do you have someone to look after you?

I think your nan will be hurt to have something so big kept from her, but there's no rush to say anything immediately.

Your sister will presumably need ongoing help so it will come out anyway.

Would anyone your nan knows have seen the ambulance or police there and be likely to mention it to her?

Lying is never protective. She’s an adult and shouldn’t be patronised. That said, it’s up to your sister whether she tells her or not.

OP firstly I'd say you've been through a tremendous amount in the last ten years. With everything that's going on for you at the moment, I suggest you need some support yourself. Would you consider going to a bereavement counsellor? Tbh you're grieving from the moment you hear someone is going to die. I wonder if neither of you really fully grieved for your mother's death at a young age. It may also give you strategies to support your sister and help with your depression.

I agree with PP I wouldn't lie to your gran. She sounds like a strong woman who can cope with a lot and lies are often unhelpful in the long run. Meanwhile get your sister as much help as possible. Maytree offers support for people at risk of suicide. They offer a four night stay for free. There is probably a long waiting list but it may be worth contacting them. Also Papyrus provides support for young people under 35 at risk of suicide and those around them. So you could ring them for advice.

I don't want to alarm you but people who end up committing suicide have often tried to get help beforehand so 'cries for help' can be serious. Obviously there are lots of people who get better and never do anything again but I'm always concerned when people say it was 'just a cry for help' (not saying you said this but it sounds a bit like the paramedics were a bit dismissive!).

Good luck OP .

I think you should encourage your sister to tell your maternal nan. Tell her you won't lie if asked, but you won't go out of your way to bring it up either. However, in return you wold like your sister to talk to your nan about as much as she can, particularly her need for help with her mental health rather than this episode in particular.

It is awful as an adult when other adults decide what you should & shouldn't know-ie what they think you are capable of coping with.

Whilst I think that it's up to your sister to actively tell, I'm not sure if it's up to you to lie either.

As a pp has said, will any news get back to her?

Most important thing those is your sister getting help.

Guys thanks for the comments it's been a topsy turvy week. I spoke to her in the end once my kids were at school. She though something was going on but I told her my sister has been drinking heavily and her partner called me to check as she was acting strange. Found her asleep on the floor drunk.

I'm not getting much support currently for myself to be honest as I really really dont have time to be honest. My wifes illness is starting to show developing symptoms and she has had her hours and role at work drastically cut.
*to confirm i dont think I've really greaved either.

My sister is ok. I've been round to see her and she actually does seem clear that her relationship was toxic, only heard half a story but the messages she has shown me that she has received from her ex are disgusting