Ex Wives and New Wives

[WhereDidThisComeFrom]

For years I built my idea up of the exwife through nothing but my DH and his families versions of events. I saw snippets.

I hated her. I hated her for all she seemed to do to him and the kids. I always thought I was smart enough to see through bullshit, to see both sides. I wasn't. I was blinded by the love I had for DH.

Then slowly over the years certain things she said would hit home. Gaps in stories would be filled. Things would match up to my own version of events with him.

We spent years disliking and disrespecting each other. Years. Years that the kids were never fully aware of but sensed. Years that affected relationships without even seeing it at the time.

I was close to my step kids. Always have been.

Until. Me and exW had an actual conversation. A proper one, starting out of a full blown row over a phone call. Not nice. Not mature or clever. Years of frustrations and anger.

We built bridges. We found common ground. We noticed similarities. We noticed the main care was the kids. Always. We both noted things we saw in DH. Good. Bad.

This escalated in the best way. We both saw how much the other loved the kids and put them first. And it OPENED MY EYES.

My DH wasn't a hard done by saint. All I based off of was what I saw and what I heard. And it matched up. Stopping the hatred I had for a woman i barely knew, changed perspective.

This resulted in the kids being over the moon when I would mention how me and their mum nattered about xyz. Or jokes. Or group chats.

The KIDS WERE HAPPIER.

And you know what? So are we. I have so much more respect for exW. ExW has more respect for me. DH is doing his best to step up more now as I am no longer enabling his bullshit excuses as I see things clearly now INCLUDING hearing the other side of things.

And for that, the kids are happier. We are happier. DH still doesn't get it right. But he is trying.

I guess this post is a case of, please remember you only ever see the side of things people want you to.

You may have a crazy ex on your hands. Or you may have an exhausted mum who has had enough of covering for a half assed ex while he is being pandered to.

But regardless of the truth or not, getting along benefits everyone. Especially the children.

They are innocent parties who got stuck in a mess adults created. Yes they may act out. I've been there. A lot. But THEY ARE KIDS. finding unity between both homes can make all of the difference.

As I said, I was always close with my step kids. Especially the youngest. But the eldest was always very aware despite our best efforts things weren't nice between us all.

Few months later since we all made an effort? Guess what?! For the first time in four years.... eldest was excited and up for having matching xhristmas jumpers. Such a small thing in general. But such an evident step in the right direction of her finally feeling like she can fully accept me and us all as a family.

That is the magic of parents, separated or not. Getting along. Working through things and finding a way.

And it is the best fucking feeling in the world.

Please, by default never hate the exW or the new girlfriend/wife on what you've been told. You're only seeing what the middle party wants you to see. Use your eyes. Ears. Every fuckinf sense you can. Middle party may not mean to be malicious but it is still THEIR SIDE.

I sort of went the other way. I liked the exw and whatever negative things people told me about her I just kind of let it go over my head. I guess I didn’t want to get involved in any conflict and wanted to stay polite and friendly.

Then cracks started to emerge years later. She’d make snidey comments about me and then eventually started saying things directly to me. Hurtful things. She also began to get more and more difficult with my now ex and I started to see the unpleasant woman who people had described to me at the beginning.

My advice would be to just keep an open mind about people in these situations. You’ll have people left right and centre telling you what to think. You’ll see them for who they are eventually, whether that’s straight away or months/years down the line.

You aren't wrong. I am sorry you went the other way.

I did start out my journey on a positive we will all get along front.

I hope this time round I'm not proved wrong again. Cos regardless the kids are happier, which means me and DHs little girl and my belly baby will be happier in years to come.

Kids come first for me above any sense of pride. I just hope this time round I have seen things properly

My advice would always to be to keep the ex wife at a distance but of course I would never assume everything is a one way street or only she is bad. If there have been times to offer extra care such as when she was ill I did but I don't go out of my way to be a friend, just that she's someone crucial and special to her kids so I treat her well. I would like to think we both know we put the kids first without having to have a conversation about it. We all get together for kids birthdays have a meal together, I can't be bothered and think it's expensive but they would never know that. As it's for their kids and I appreciate the kids invite me as part of the tradition. Always invite back for a cup of tea etc.

Yeah it does make it so much easier and happier for the kids when the adults get along. Not just for the stepchildren, but your own too. If a mum is getting stressed out about her husband’s ex wife all the time then that will have a knock on effect on her own children just as much as her stepchildren. It’s partly why me and my ex are no longer together, because I didn’t want to subject my children to me worrying about her all the time.

I hope everything goes well for you going forward. It sounds like your stepchildren are really happy and at ease. It makes such a difference for you all when you can just get on.

Oh of course you'll never be best friends. And caution regardless is always a given. I'm sure exW has caution regarding me ad well. It is natural.

But as you said, kids needs first. Makes all the difference. Seeing their parents and their respective partners getting along makes them feel so much more at ease and open to the extra love they can receive

I hope that's how my exh's gf will feel about me. I have no doubt that she has been fed lies. But at the end of it all as long as my kids are ok I'll follow her lead and keep my distance.

My dc know that if she ever needs my help I'll be there.

My DM and her XH 2nd wife are like sisters from different families!
DM is god-mother to her younger son and they are so close.

When you all have such a strong love and common goal (making the kids happy) it is easy to bond. Once you look past the bitterness on either side.

Lucky you and I'm glad it worked for you.

Having spoken to her at length I just have a crazy ex on my hands

I get on with DH ex and it does make life much simpler. She is really nice and i chose not to believe everything i was told from day 1 as i think it's unfair to judge someone after hearing 1 side of a story.

We have often had days out together with my DSS since he was very young so he's only ever known us get on well.

She has been a great friend and a great support to me at times of need, also i to her. Her partner died suddenly and she was distraught and didn't feel she could cope staying at home so stayed with us for a while.

Life is a lot less stressed if you can get on with people although i do appreciate that's not always possible

As with anything sadly you get good with bad. Good exwives and bad step parents and Visa versa. Sadly some people are just horrid.

Just sometimes that isn't always the case.

How lovely for your SS that you guys go out for days. I would more than happily do this in the future.

I have the unusual situation that my ex's 2nd wife who was the ow had been a friend before the affair so double betrayal but also we knew each other anyway. Given she heard my moans about ex makes me wonder did she ignore that info or what?

Things were fraught at first but then settled, we'll never be "friends" again but we are "friendly" and she's always treated dd well.

Ex did at one point try and make it so we didn't speak to each other as he was hiding certain things from each of us but he wasn't very successful and came unstuck as a result.

I'd like to say it has benefited dd in terms of her relationship with her dad but sadly there seems no rescuing that

Well put ... I'm in a newish relationship and his dd wants to meet me (adult so her choice) consequently the ex wants to know who I am ... the plan on both sides is to stay amicable both sides, I'm introducing my ex to him (and his gf to me) then it's the other side. We won't all be best friends but surely it's better than war (helps that it's two long marriages and no affairs)