I've namechanged for this as it could potentially be very outing. My boyfriend and I now have 2 children together who we adore and whilst things aren't always perfect we get along very well 99% and don't really argue much (compared to alot of couples I know). Things between us are quite good at the moment.
However, just over 5 years ago I found out I was pregnant, my boyfriend wasn't happy about this pregnancy and I did know that, he was in a job that he hated and it wasn't a good time for us. I admit we were both very irresponsible with birth control. I told him if he didn't want to be a part of mine and the babies life then he could walk away and I wouldn't ask for a thing. He chose to stay. Only a few weeks after we found out I knew something didn't feel 'right', my sister convinced me that I was over thinking things and invited me to spend the night with her to give me and my boyfriend some breathing space and allow me to relax.
That night it turns out my boyfriend drunk, took illegal drugs and pretty much destroyed the house. I only found out that he'd had so many people over when I returned home the next day in pain to find strangers still asleep on the sofa and had to clean up after everyone - there were alot of glasses, alcohol bottles, blood and vomit in the bathroom, our bed was broken. At this point I didn't know about the drugs - I did ask my boyfriend if he had taken anything because I had a bad feeling. He denied he did. I very stupidly believed him. The next day I started to bleed and we found out that I had miscarried, I sunk into quite a bad depression and frankly forgot about what had happened for a while.
A year later, we were in a very different place and I was pregnant again, quite early stages and we were on holiday to celebrate his brothers wedding. My boyfriend got incredibly drunk at his brothers stag do and breaks down crying to me that he had taken drugs that night and that he wanted to cheat on me - that he didn't but he wanted to. I was afraid, I was in a foreign country, pregnant with another baby that i was petrified of losing and I admit I was stupid again and mainly brushed it under the carpet. I got the bare minimum answers and tried to move on.
When our eldest was born I tried to get answers then, but he would explode in rage about how it was in the past and I should forgive him and it's done now. So I've tried to move on, and forgive and forget and for a while I have managed. But lately it's on my mind alot, I have a lot of questions and things I want to know, but I feel like it is over 5 years ago that it happened now and so maybe I shouldn't be questioning it. But the truth is i haven't trusted him ever since I found out and I'm not sure I want to live like this anymore. I don't know if having the answers will help me or just cause me more pain. Would I be unreasonable to ask him to answer these questions and then promise to never bring it up ever again?