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To feel DH being selfish for not wanting to move if we have a baby?

112 replies

Poorboy136 · 24/11/2019 21:48

In as quick a post as possible I have posted something similar in the past but I’m still in a pickle as of what to do and looking for advice from an outsider perspective... I’ve changed some aspects of the info as I know I have friends etc on her and he has family members that love this site.

-Met DH 5 years ago agreed I’d have a child with him (I’ve got a 12 and a 7 year old from previous marriage and have a great relationship with their dad. All very amicable)

-DH can be selfish although he fails to see this unless it’s pointed out. He worked on an oil rig for years so I’m his first serious relationship. An only child so always had things his own way.

  • Try’s to control money and tries to ‘advise’ me that we shouldn’t be spending too much as it’s eg...Christmas (just for info we have about £25,000 in our savings so I don’t feel he should tell me what’s acceptable to spend money on- it’s not as if we haven’t got anything to pay the mortgage with this month.... ‘advises’ me to go to the cheapest supermarket etc as he’s a total tight arse.

  • He is over the top when it comes to cleaning and I sometimes feel like I’m in an army barracks and the head soldier is coming in to check everything is in order!

  • I do love him and he has good qualities but he’s hard work and again I think it cones down to him being selfish and it’s his way all the time.

  • I’m happy to have a baby with him but I feel for it to work well we would need to move to Newcastle. We currently live in Hexham and I commute each day to take my children to school about 40 mins away. He’s from Hexham and wants to stay here.

  • I’m not prepared to move my DC schools. I feel if we moved closer to Newcastle it would be easier for me as I wouldn’t have to commute. I’ve tried bringing it up but I’ve been shot down twice and he says “You said at the beginning that you’d move here. I don’t want to move, I’m done with living away.”

I feel like he’s holding me to ransom. He’s hard work to live with and having a baby as much as it’s wonderful, any cracks in a relationship will end up crators. When I said yes at the beginning I didn’t know how selfish he is.

  • We have no support here at all. We wouldn’t need support in N’castle as I’d be close to DC school etc...

I’m not necessarily asking what I should do. I’m asking whether I’m being the one being unreasonable or is it him? He makes it sound like he’s in the army and it’s my issue but he’s not in the army. He just doesn’t want to move....

He’s wanting to try now and I just think you selfish man....
OP posts:

Poorboy136 · 24/11/2019 21:52

Sorry it’s a long post 😳 the irony I said I’d make it short 😂

OP posts:

Thehop · 24/11/2019 21:55

Don’t have a baby with him. You’ll be stuck miles away with seargent scrub, counting every penny, miserable.

I’d be having a good long think about wether I wanted to stay married to this man, it doesn’t sound like you’re happy?


greentomatos · 24/11/2019 21:56

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'd question if there is a future with him being so self-centred.


Sunshinegirl82 · 24/11/2019 21:57

Based on what you've said here I wouldn't have a baby with him in Hexham, Newcastle or anywhere else for that matter.

Having a child with a man you know and accept to be selfish is a recipe for unhappiness and resentment.


MoonlightBonnet · 24/11/2019 21:58

Are you commuting for work or just to take the kids to school? If it’s just for the kids it’s ridiculous not to move their schools to the perfectly good schools in Hexham. They’ll like living near their school friends.

But that aside, living with your DH sounds stressful. I’m not sure it’s a good idea to have a baby with him.


Gallivespian · 24/11/2019 21:58

You’d be completely mad to have a child with this tight-fisted, selfish, inflexible control freak.


TowelNumber42 · 24/11/2019 21:58

Move to Newcastle now. He can decide what he wants more: living in Hexham or having a baby with you. Two can play hardball.


fromnowhere · 24/11/2019 21:59

Don't have a baby with someone you openly admit is selfish. It's hard enough having a child with someone decent, don't put yourself through it with someone who cares more about themselves than you.


Fakeflowersaremynewnormal · 24/11/2019 22:00

I remember your previous post. I wouldn't have a baby unless you can resolve this and your feeling he is selfish and controlling. Yes he is stubborn about his desire not to move, but you are also being a bit stubborn about not moving the dc schools.


CalleighDoodle · 24/11/2019 22:01

Dont have the child. Your life will be miserable.


DriftingLeaves · 24/11/2019 22:02

I can't see anything to recommend a life with this horrible man.


AllYouGoodGoodPeople · 24/11/2019 22:02

What a selfish arse. You'd be doing that school run with the baby. Well that's going to be fun. And how do your DC socialise with their school friends?

Would you move back without him (and without a baby)?


2toe · 24/11/2019 22:02

I wouldn’t be having a baby with him at all, I would be moving with my children closer to their schools and your support network.
You’ve said this man is controlling over money, he’s got you on edge over how well you’ve cleaned the house, he thinks it’s reasonable that you and your children commute such a distance every day, he’s moved you away from your support network and wants you to have a baby so you are “trapped”. I would guess you have changed your behaviours, or hide where you shopped or what you bought and never relax properly worrying about his reactions.

So many 🚩 🚩, get half your savings and get out of there, it will only get worse.


Summercamping · 24/11/2019 22:03

You sound like you have your head screwed on op. Do you think you will be happy in the long term with this man?


NoSquirrels · 24/11/2019 22:06

I remember your previous post.

It’s all irrelevant who promised what to whom.

You don’t want a baby at the expense of your sanity and older DC.

He doesn’t want to move.

Don’t have a baby!


Poorboy136 · 24/11/2019 22:08

The reason I don’t want to move my DC schools I’d that it’s close to their dads house too. I don’t want to make it more difficult for him to pick up/drop off and that’s why I’m happy to do the driving. I don’t think it’s fair on my ex or my children.

I feel like the two choices are-

We have a baby but move to Newcastle.

Don’t have a baby and stay here.

He wants it all I feel

OP posts:

helpmum2003 · 24/11/2019 22:11

Can I clarify? Did you move away from your family and DC school to live with him in Hexham? Does he have kids in Hexham?

If the answers are yes, yes and no can I ask why you moved to live with him?

Where does your DC father live?

Personally I would do the best thing for my DC and move back to Newcastle. I would be (very) reluctant to have a baby with him.

What do your family, friends and the DCs father think?


helpmum2003 · 24/11/2019 22:12

Sorry cross post.

3rd option move to Newcastle, no baby.


Sushiroller · 24/11/2019 22:15

3rd option move to Newcastle, no baby.



Didiusfalco · 24/11/2019 22:17

Jesus, don’t have a baby, it’s going to magnify the selfishness and tight fistedness. If he was prepared to move to Newcastle he would probably be a different, more considerate person who cared about you and your children - in which case you might want to have a baby with him, but he won’t and he isn’t.


Aquamarine1029 · 24/11/2019 22:21

If you think he's selfish now, just wait until you have a child who he won't do fuck all for. Please PLEASE don't have a baby with him. For your sake but especially for the child's sake.


1Morewineplease · 24/11/2019 22:22

I wouldn’t have a baby with him.
You’re not singing from the same hymn sheet.
It’s going to be difficult to get your current children to and from school, at such a distance, with a brand new baby.

You say that he’s selfish and controlling. He sounds like everything is his decision or to his specification.
I’d take a long hard look in the mirror. Is this what you really want?


MarianaMoatedGrange · 24/11/2019 22:22

Why are you even considering tying yourself to this control freak by having a baby with him? Beggars belief!


NoSquirrels · 24/11/2019 22:23

I feel like the two choices are-

We have a baby but move to Newcastle.

Don’t have a baby and stay here.

Sounds fair!


SeaOfDespair · 24/11/2019 22:23

If you do have a baby, be prepared to raise it on your own.

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