Relieved it's over. Devastated to hear of affair.

[allcriedoutagain]

I'm so conflicted and I'd appreciate your thought on whether my feelings are reasonable or even make sense please.I have been in a lonely loveless marriage for years. The last two years have been particularly lonely and sad. I often wondered what life would be like without him and kind of wished it happened but wasntvwilling to leave and break the family

He was distant, detached and took the absolute piss when it came to child rearing and domestic life. Everything was done for him from that perspective. He is grumpy moody and aggressive. Children have often been upset by his outbursts on the past. I and they have walked on egg shells for years as we needed to appease him so he wouldn't get shouty and angry with us.

He was always looking for sex which turned me off him and could be a bit gropey and full on. Sex with him made my skin crawl in the end.
So he left. Said I drove him away with my nagging and attempts to draw him into family life ( when he clearly didn't want that)
It has now transpired that he is in a relationship for the last few months .. started straight after he decided to leave me he said . Very coincidental .
Yet I am here crying all day long. I can't believe a word he says. It doesn't bother him that I am this upset.in fact he is as cranky as ever. We remain the same house until next week , when the children and I will finally be on our own. I believe that with time I will be ok but why am I so heartbroken today. Please help me work this out .
Thanks. Sorry it was so long.

It is completely understandable to be upset because it is a further nail in the coffin for your marriage and the story of your life you wanted. Even though it sounds like things were not good for a long time it is very understandable this would hurt, even if it was just coincidence it hurts to see someone move on so quickly with a rebound or new partner or OW.

Try and look at it as a blessing. You weren't happy and yes you're hurting, but it all highlights to you what a horrible person he is and now he's not your problem.

You will be happy, you just need to draw on your strength to not let him worm his way back into your life when it goes tits up with his new woman.

Please just concentrate on doing things that make you and your DC happy.

No longer having to walk on eggshells and being proud that you raised your DC, not him. They will get you through this. As will friends and family, if you let them.

Sorry I hit post.

So I think you need to look after yourself and do not open up to him. Don't be vulnerable with him. He is not your husband from before, the one who cared for you and wants to love you and support you. He is your ex and his heart isn't open to you now. Seek support from people who cherish you.

All the best. It hurts I know. It will get better. I promise.

Oh thank you so much fir all your kind words . I'm puffed up from the tears and am angry with myself fir being so weak and conflicted.

I'd just like to reiterate what everyone else has said.
Divorce/end of a relationship is like a bereavement & you will grieve for what was (when it was happy) & what isn't going to be now even though you are glad to be rid of Ex.
It's completely natural & eventually it won't hurt.
&

It feels
Like it's never ending . We are in the same house since he ended it .. three months.. and all that time he has taken the total
Piss, gone early home
Late. Completely neglected kids despite them
Being devastated and
Me Pleading with him to spend
Time with them and then turning into Disney dad at weekends when his gf has her son and he couldn't meet her .

You don't need to be in a relationship to be happy but in time you'll likely find a new relationship too. Hopefully you'll know what it feels like to be truly happy and loved in your relationship and you'll look back and realise leaving was the best thing you could've ever done.

Heck, with a bit of time, you'll probably find a lot more happiness on your own without him anyway. He sounds like a real loser.

It's scary and daunting, but you've got this.

He sounds JUST like my ex h. I asked him to leave 10 years ago and I promise promise promise you that you are not just going to survive but you are going to thrive.

The first night on your own I am sure you will start to feel a sense of relief as will the children. It is only when such a negative person is removed from the home that we realise the true extent of how much their presence was slowly destroying us.

My first night alone (with the kids) I got a big box and put in it every horrible tacky item his family ever gifted us and stripped them out of my home. God it felt good 😊

My job sometimes involves meeting with abused women who are divorcing. Abuse is not just physical but also emotional and financial and your h sounds like an emotional abuser.

I tell them all these 4 things based on my own experience.

1. No woman I have ever met has woken up one morning and thought for the first time heh I want a divorce and got on with it. Every single one of them has thought about if for at least at 1 or 2 years.

2. Not one of them has ever come back to see me 2 years later saying «gosh I made the biggest mistake and want him back». Not 1! In fact several have come back with happy smiling joyful faces to tell me how much better life is.

3. When you are no longer with an abusive partner who is blaming you and putting you down each day you will slowly begin to heal and believe in yourself again. Most of what they say is crap and not true.

4. Happiness awaits you and you will be happier than you were when you were in an abusive marriage. It may take a while but I can guarantee you that a few years down the line you will look back on today and be thankful you broke free.

Hang on in there - you are going to be more than ok in the long run.

Of course you are feeling like this. You need time to reasses your life, lick your wounds and think about what you want for once. Be kind to yourself and look after your children. It's going to get so much better. Good luck for your new future.

I can't thank you enough for the thoughtful and hopeful replies. I am clinging on to your words. Weirdly I am
Not jealous, I don't want him in my life anymore, I can't wait to see the back of him and I told him yesterday that when he walks out the door next week, I want absolutely nothing to do with him ever again bar formalities. He was horrified. I also told him that if he breaks custody or financial agreements, I will destroy him through courts( he has been getting cash in hand from his employer, completely illegally, and hiding it from me and his children claiming how badly off he is ) I don't need his money. I earn more than him but he does need to pay maintenance and he can be a little tight and controlling with money

You're grieving

It will take time but you will heal from this. The first three or so months after he finally moves out will probably be the hardest but then one day you'll suddenly realise how different you feel. It gradually changes until you feel ok again.

It sounds like he treated all of you very badly for a long time. It's still natural to grieve the loss of the future you expected to have with him, the life you dreamed of, and the man you did love.

Maybe look at the Freedom Programme. There's several things you've described that are fairly textbook coercive control. Understanding better how it's affected you and the children will help you take charge of your life again and help you heal from everything that's happened. All that walking on eggshells will have taken its toll on all of you. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It's info not therapy, so if you go to one of the free groups you won't have to talk about yourself you can just listen.

Good luck and take care.

I went over to our new home yesterday and was pottering about in the kitchen while the children went out playing with their friends. An overwhelming sense of peace and calm and relief I suppose washed over me . I can't even describe it . It is our original home which I have gutted, repainted and filled with new furniture and our belongings.it felt wonderful, like a lazy Sunday in front of the fire reading your favourite book ! That possibly sounds bonkers but it's the only Way I can describe it.he then came in to make furniture and the atmosphere immediately changed. I think I've been appeasing him for a quiet life for a long long time .

You're not weak. You are grieving. You have lost someone (the man you married, not who he became) and the life you wanted. It takes time

Also, you're licking your wounds, you feel betrayed and your self esteem is low.

I bet you also feel like you've failed. But you haven't, HE failed. You're winning by giving yourself and your DC a chance for a happy life.

Yes I feel like I failed. I feel
Weak and drained. Exhausted and so confused. He blamed me for him leaving saying I drove him away.
The reality is that I am
Relieved in many ways. I may be lonely but I was lonely in marriage. He was no fun or had anything to talk about. He slept , sat in his phone or watched tv ignoring me and the kids when he was here. Ok will not be missing much but it's hard to get my head round him jumping straight into another woman's bed , spending all hours with her while our children cry every night asking if he doesn't want them anymore .

So glad you already got a glimpse of the peace you will feel in your new home.
For your well being from here on out try to make it a ex-h free zone at least for for first couple of years. Not having him invading your safe place with negativity will do wonders for your emotional well being.

Tell it to him straight once you have moved you won’t come into his home and you won’t be letting him in yours.

There are consequences for him for ending the marriage and this is one of them.
I would really advise not letting him have a key.

These things will truly help you and your children heal.

Thanks. I told him that once I close the door on him next week that I'm also
Closing the door on an unnecessary contact unrelated to the children bar him coming over at Christmas. He exudes negativity and misery.i can't wait for that feeling if lightness again

You sound like you have your head screwed on. I for one think that you are going to be ok. Life will truly be happier without him.

Thanks . I really appreciate your advice