Is this controlling - stopping him speaking about ex

[Pippapipp]

We're both 24. We've been together for 4 months - still relatively fresh so ive been getting a bit wary about how much he speaks about his ex. Bear in mind, they split over 2 years ago!!
When we went on our first date, he brought up her and how she made him fall out with his parents and how shes manipulative.
Then another time he said she wasnt manipulative and his parents just loved her.

I know they were planning to meet up for coffee in march before he met me, but it didnt go through. I know they were drunk last july on a night out and tried to book a hotel together (dont know why he told me this). We went to stay in a hotel in a local town and he pointed to a hotel they stayed at.
I know her next boyfriend was a black man.
And much more.

But it was driving home 2 days ago at night together that i finally snapped.
An old work colleage drove past and I mentioned how he was known to be a cheat. Then my ex brought up how his ex from 2 years ago went with his best friend but it wasnt cheating because they werrnt together but it still hurt him. And how his best friend likeed her originally but she chose my boyfriend so he (my boyfriend) must be the fitter one.

Cue me snapping about why does it matter who was more attractive. I dont want to hear any more about this ex. I said how they broke up 2 years ago so why does he speak about her so much and that its making me think he still likes her.

He said he was sorry but he always only brings her up in relation to topics were talking about - but it's too much!! I hardly mention my ex (who is much more recrnt than his - january) - i only bring him up when ex asks about him.

When we got back to my house, we hardly spoke until he gave me a hug and apologised

YANBU. If you say you'd prefer not to hear about his ex, and want to concentrate on the two of you, he should respect that.

🚩🚩🚩
Dump and move on

*he asks about ex,
Not when ex asks about him

He really doesn’t sound like he is over his ex at all.

He is also a massively insensitive prick for constantly talking about her.

I’m not entirely sure what redeeming qualities he has.

He is also showing massive disrespect to you by talking about her, she obviously damaged his ego quite a bit.

Personally I would lay down some boundaries, tell him that if he keeps banging on about her you will walk away.

But you will have to be prepared to follow it through.

How they treat you is how they think of you.

Good luck

YANBU that would seriously annoy me. Hopefully he’ll respect your wishes but I’d tread carefully with him since It doesn’t seem like he’s completely over her

Thanks everybody!
In my last relatiknship, exes were never a topic of discussion- maybe the first few dates we had a chat but other than that, I knew hardly anything about his exes because we had no commitments to them i.e. kids, and we were so focused on each other;
So im weirded out by this;
Like i said, his excuse is that he brings her up in relation to topic, and also that shes his only 'proper' ex and they were together for 3 years so she was a big part of his life;

I get this as i was with my ex for 4 years but i dont feel the need to tell new bf about the times we got hotels together, everytime he upset me etc.

200% not over her

On a lighter note you could always do what they did on the Inbetweeners , every time Simon mentioned Carly they whacked him in the balls.
So every time he mentions his ex , smack him in the nuts, he’ll soon soon stop mentioning her!

Personally I’d dump him.

Part of him is still there id say

He's not over her. My ex used to do this to try and make me jealous too. Stuff spending your time hearing about past relationships. I'd dump and move on.

So im weirded out by this

You should be. Run for the hills - he wants to be back with his ex, & would be if she had allowed it when they met up in March & July.

YANBU. You asked in the title if it is controlling. It is not. Has a to be suggested that it is, or are you just eorrird it is?

Good luck.

Has anyone suggested that it is,

Dump him and move on. He hasn’t.

He isn't over her. And would go back with her in an instant

You've only been with him 4 months and it's been nothing but a car crash. You are massively wasting your time on a man who is no where near over his ex. Don't be a mug.

Not over her. Ditch him.

I don't think the issue is that he's not over her but more so that he's not over what she has put him through. It seems he has not still processed and let go of the things she has done to him, but now is certainly time to heal.

If he only mentions her in relation to topics, it's not a bad sign, we do relate certain memories to certain things - it happens.

You are certainly not controlling him by asking him to tone it down, hopefully this will make him more self aware in regards to how much he must have mentioned her in order for you to get to this point.

If overall you are happy with one another, this is no reason to end the relationship. You both are perfectly entitled to make your feelings clear, you have told him you do not like this so hopefully he does now think more before he speaks.

I think if I were you I'd run a mile. He isn't just bringing her up in relation to relevant topics - he's proactively finding ways to mention her. There was absolutely no need, for example, to point out a hotel he'd stayed at with her. He's not over her and you could do better.