Can anyone give me hope about a rocky relationship surviving the toddler years

[OhPrudence]

I feel like we're hanging on by a thread, kept together by our shared love for our toddler. We're constantly snapping at each other, seem to be out of sync and misinterpreting each other's comments as criticism even when not meant that way. Not connecting, not having conversations to address all this when we should.

For context, we've had multiple miscarriages this year. I was hit really hard physically by the pregnancies and the losses, and felt that he wasn't at all supportive. Whereas I think he's probably depressed and took it all hard emotionally - not that he's talking to me about it.

I have been feeling so angry. I suspect it's probably depression too. I'm functioning well in my job and for our toddler, but there's nothing left for my husband. Not a chance of anything being left for me. I'm not prioritising myself, and no-one else is.

Practically, he has more free time than me. I do more childcare (have always been the preferred parent), make more dinners etc., work more hours. I am resentful that my husband will look after himself first and foremost - not the best attitude when he should be looking after his mental health if he's depressed.

I have realised that I've not been giving him any of the things I've been wanting from him - attention, affection. So I'm certainly not blameless.

I'm not expecting any solutions to our particular issues, but I'd be really interested to hear from anyone who has stayed together through a time of disconnect, especially with the demands of a toddler (which right now, I'm finding to be very demanding and draining).

I suppose my aibu would be am I being unreasonable to hope we could come out of the other side of this and still stay together?

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but its not going to just happen. you are going to have to be proactive and do something to start the process, and you are both going to have to connect and make a change.

If things have got this bad then I think relationship counselling is the best way forwards.

You are not being unreasonable. It sounds like the two of you are emotionally drained and exhausted- holding down jobs, running a home. And looking after a demanding toddler . You have inherited or assumed more responsibilities- childcare , cooking meals etc. and definitely need to delegate some of this . All I can say is that you need to set aside a time to talk in depth together . Can your toddler have a sleepover at a parent’s house while you two have a leisurely meal at home or go out ? You need some time just for the two of you .

I went through something very similar in 2016. Dd1 was 4 though and I had one mc at 13 weeks. TTC before I mc was horrible. Afterwards was hellish. Things got really bad between us. I was depressed, my GP thought I had PTSD. DH had an emotional affair. I kicked him out. But, I had a dd who adored her daddy and was 6 weeks pregnant. He begged me to go to relate, so I did. It saved our marriage. We were able to talk things through for the first time in a healthy, productive way. I would recommend it.

I second what the others said. Also, stop martyring yourself. Make time for yourself. He makes time for himself. Preferred parent is a self fulfilling thing if you let it be. Some whinging about preferring mummy shouldn't prevent you having some space for yourself. Equal things up.

Suggest couple’s counselling, and both seeking support for your mental health.

Depression (if he has this) doesn’t excuse selfishness. Share the parenting more.

Do less cooking!

Care for yourself - as you say, no one else will. I went through similar and learned this the hard way.

As for being the “preferred parent”, it’s important that your H can do everything you can for your toddler (bar bfeeding if relevant!) and spends chunks of time in sole charge.

Thank you for your responses. I agree that couples counselling would be a good idea. I'm just starting counselling on my own, and had already had that thought - we need to talk to each other enough to agree this.

We are struggling to find time. My husband goes to bed very early and this really limits opportunity to address anything. Raising any difficult discussion past, say, 9pm he wound shut down because he needs to be winding down then. I am currently interpreting this as a sign he's not prioritising us, whether he means it that way or not.

I have found prioritising myself very tricky, my life is very much work and toddler then bed and start again the next day. I agree that it would be for my mental health. Another thing I find myself resenting my husband about, thinking why doesn't he notice I don't have a break and facilitate that for me as I do for him. I'm not trying to make him responsible for me taking a break, I realise I need to do that independently. But I feel in a healthy relationship he would be looking out for me in that way.

Tell him straight out you need time to yourself and you need him to enable it. Be exact about what practical things you require of him. Don't expect him to be a mind reader. Exhausted people don't think straight.

Stop facilitating his breaks. You've got enough to do without spending scant mental energy on mollycoddling a grown man.

OP. I'm sorry about your miscarriages and that life is so hard.

DH and I survived a patch like this and are so much stronger and a better team now as a result. DH was depressed and was snappy and inattentive with me and the kids. I went for counselling myself which helped hugely - eventually we hit crisis point and I said I'd stand by his side and support him through his MH problems but he had to stop taking it out on us.

I also came to recognise my part in the cycle - I wanted him to realise he wasn't showing me care and attention, so I stopped communicating and showing him affection, waiting for him to notice. I was PA too. That made the cycle worse.

We didn't have couples' counselling but that would have been the next step. DH has had coaching at work though, which has transformed his communication skills.

As a result of working through this, we're now in a really good place and have survived a really tough couple of years as a strong team.

Good luck OP.

We found it very hard after the third baby. We didn't have counselling but did have a heart to heart one night where we simply agreed to assume the best of each other, not be PA, and just generally remember to be kind to each other again. It worked. The irritability level dropped quickly and the little annoyances became things to laugh about together.

Competitive tiredness was banned btw. Mummy knows best also banned (we weren't much like that anyway). If it is optional for you then it is optional for me too was another agreed principle (except for breastfeeding, more like for jobs, childcare, sleep and exercise).

So much of what you've written is familiar to me, @LookingForPerspective2015. Thank you. You've given me hope, even knowing that we'll have to put the work in to get there. Very pleased for you that you worked it out.

Thank you @TowelNumber42. Funnily enough, we had a little chat last week where we said we had to be nicer to each other. I thought it was helping, but it's going to take more than that (or at least another few of those type of chats!)

With love, if you need time and space for yourself then ask for it. ‘I’m struggling right now, and need some time alone, and I need you to support me to do that. I’m going for a walk/to the gym/to see a friend/to sit in a Costa/whatever’. You’re allowed to be selfish, please don’t be a martyr. If you go out, do something for you, then DP steps up and thus the burden can be eased, a little. And you can’t expect things to just fix themselves - couples counselling may be just the thing to help you both open up and reconnect.

Sending hugs.

OP, hugs.
Parenting is hard. Very hard sometimes.
Both of you need some “me” timeand one’s wants/needs don’t trump another’s.
“ me “ time being time to do whatever YOU want without being interrupted by child’s demands (neverending) or DH’s strategic incompetence “ what am I supposed to feed them” followed by “where’s the butter”( in the fucking washing machine would be my response)

My relationship also went through the wringer during the toddler years, and we survived. But communication is vital

You have great insight into where your problems lie, you need to share this with him. Get him to acknowledge that things aren't right. And as everyone else is saying, counselling would help

I’m confused by the you do more childcare, more paid work, make more dinners but he has to be in bed by 9pm. What is he doing?!

As much as he’s taking the piss (or so it sounds like) I think this is very easy to do when kids arrive. His life will be harder/less free time etc. compared to pre kids & he won’t see how disproportionately you’re impacted. That is on him being a bit unthinkingly selfish & you also falling into the martyr role.

I think that’s a tricky situation to get out of as expectations and routines have been set without either of you realising it. And hard for you to broach without him feeling got at. I really think outside perspective ie. relationship counselling is the best way forward. Hopefully you can then be more in it together and enjoy each other a bit more.

Hope it works out OP early years are tough.