AIbu to ask if I have a drinking problem

[tigerpalm]

I know I have developed an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I've recently started a grad scheme (finance) which I do not enjoy at all. I constantly feel judged and I'm convinced I'm perceived as stupid/a bimbo. This is in the City btw - so a fairly intense environment.

As one of the only females in my team, I feel like I'm surrounded by hooray Henry's and old men who are only chummy/friendly with their own ilk. I intensely dislike being the only woman in my dept. I was recently at an event and was told I must have a lot of attendees approaching me due to my "pretty face" (not the case). The man who said this referred to himself and my boss (who is actually nice) as "leering old men". I was already feeling down and this really depressed/embarrassed me. I went to the toilets and cried. I have a first from Oxbridge but constantly feel like a token who is only employed for my xx chromosomes as opposed to my brain.

I have been diagnosed recently with severe anxiety and depression. Tbh I've been anxious for years but it's become extremely intense since starting my job. At the end of the day my brain will go over every social interaction I've had until it arrives at something embarrassing enough to cringe over. I constantly have anxiety/am on the verge of tears. The only way to dull the intense feeling in my gut is to have a vodka and orange. Literally one glass (finger width) is enough to dull the raw pain and distract me. If I didn't have a drink the only way I could cope with my miserable life would be to sleep (from around 7). (I would prefer a glass of wine but it gives me heartburn). I think alcohol also serves as a placebo now.

I don't feel like I'm drinking more than my friends/colleagues but obviously using alcohol as a coping mechanism is unhealthy. I don't get smashed at weekends like my friends/flatmates as I prefer to sleep/stay in bed. Do I have a massive problem?

I am getting help for this (psychologist and sertraline). Unfortunately, my mum is a narcissist who would only make me feel bad for having anxiety/depression in the first place.

I really am the lowest I have ever been. I would never hurt myself but enduring all of this is so exhausting and painful.

Thanks for listening. Sorry for any typos.

Honestly, I would say no.

Lots and lots of people have a small drink at the end of a stressful day to unwind.

You do have to do something about the job though. You know yourself that alcohol isn't the issue here - the working environment is, and it's not your job to change their corporate environment, but to find one that suits you and makes you happy.

You have a fabulous degree and are incredibly lucky - you have real choices.

What do you WISH you were doing? If you could do anything in the world?

Thanks, crosspelican.

That's part of the problem, I've never really had a passion for anything. I've just slipped into finance as I was pushed by teachers/family. The prospect of living like this for the next 40 years is very intimidating. The only hope I have is that my medication/cbt will alleviate some of the anxiety/depression I am currently experiencing.

Not a drinking problem - yet - but when the 'finger' of vodka isn't enough (and does that mean you aren't measuring properly?), which it sounds like it will be soon, then you are well on the way to it.

Going home and sleeping is a far better way to handle feeling crap than trying to cultivate a dependence upon alcohol. Better still would be asking about alternative treatments for anxiety - a betablocker is often more effective than antidepressants, which have far wider ranging effects, learning meditation or trying different exercise, such as Yoga or martial arts, can help you deal with the fight or flight response.

And start looking for another job. This one isn't good for you.

I always thought I would be fine doing any job as the disposable income would be adequate recompense. Problem is I no longer have any desire to travel/socialise - I just want to hide away from the world.

I wouldn’t say so if your having 1 drink a day!

Me & DH have 1 glass of wine with our dinner every night as does mil and my parents 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s 1 glass not a bottle

You do however need to find a different way to cope with your anxiety

Op ive been in similar states due to unpleasant work environment and honestly all the meds and psychology in the world wont make you any happier there. Life is too short, you must find a different job.

Hey OP, I'm in the city and work in finance and was in a similar environment. Feel free to DM me and we can talk! I can share my experiences

My anxiety/depression has been so intense since starting work that I was unable to eat for an entire week. This was fairly recently. The prospect of searching for another job is terrifying.

I would start job hunting and fast. Go for different types of company to the one you are in...you don't say what you are good at, but doing an accountancy qualification in a small friendly firm may lead on to you running a local firm, and you;ll enjoy it a lot more. Or equally working in marketing or other things.

It's very common for clever people to get pushed through a "sausage machine" - oxbridge then onto some "top" grad scheme, where people are trampling on each other to get ahead.

Look lower, maybe take a pay cut, look for a smaller friendlier working environment. There are many ways to the top and ruining your mental health isn't one of them, you will/are burning out.

Stay well away from those man heavy environments, you have to have the hide of a rhino to succeed in that environment.

Oh and speak to your Gp and see if you can get signed off for some time sick. This will allow you time to gather your thoughts. You aren't going to be able to see the way forward when you are at work.

I don't think you have a problem with alcohol (yet) I'm only saying yet because if you're using it to cope with anxiety then that has a potential to become a problem - when your finger measure becomes your "norm" so to speak, it can creep up. I suffer from anxiety myself, it's horrible - also someone who likes a drink or three and I find it initially makes it better if I'm having an anxious episode (for want of a better word) but in the long run it can make it so much worse. Sounds like you'd be better off getting out of your work enviroment to me, it sounds intolerable.

Well you can't drink at all on sertraline so erm...

I'm only saying yet because if you're using it to cope with anxiety then that has a potential to become a problem - when your finger measure becomes your "norm" so to speak, it can creep up.

This.

Yes, you are at risk of becoming an alcoholic when you’re using alcohol to change how you feel and to avoid negative feelings. It always starts with one glass.

Have you always made your life choices to earn approval from your parents? If so, you might need to consider some form of therapy to help you break that cycle. You don’t need their approval to live a happy and fulfilled life.

Sounds like you’re really not happy in that type of environment, so book some time off/get signed off sick and try some careers counselling to help you work out what you might enjoy doing.

There’s millions of opportunities out there, it really doesn’t have to be like this.

Please do something constructive, eat something and drink a cup of tea or coffee instead.

Well you can't drink at all on sertraline so erm...

says who

Your root problem isn't alcohol, it is anxiety and your job. You are using alcohol to cope - this is called maladaptive coping. It can lead to addiction - my H used alcohol to cope with depression following the death of his mum and the fact that he hated his job. In him, it became full blown addiction, he became abusive, it destroyed our marriage and ended his life. And yet the alcohol was a symptom of his issues, not just a cause.

I second all the people who suggest you finding somewhere else to work with less stress and a better environment, and would also suggest that you look into some form of talking therapy to help with your anxiety. You may need to stay off the drink completely until you feel you are drinking for enjoyment, not for self-medication.

A big positive is the level of insight you have into your situation - you know where the issues lie, so you can tackle them. Good luck .

Sorry you're having a hard time OP. In recent years I've become a feminist and really learned about sexism. In a male dominated profession you're going to be a target. I respect you for going into a job with a male majority. I also suffer anxiety and sometimes have my own black dog (Winston Churchill's pet name for his depression). However, a lot of it is a result of trying to meet up to others' expectations or to feel valued. I'm now a mum and only care about my son so I can finally see beyond other's criticisms. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water. Take what you want from this job and when you're ready move on. Hold your head high, knowing many women feel your struggle. You're making your mark in a man's world for all of us so good luck. Alcohol feels nice for a short time but medication and self love will do you better in the long run x