To let my son sleep at his dad's

[skylighting]

My ex and I ended when our DS was a week or so old. He's addicted to smoking weed. The last I knew, he was smoking it everyday. Got agitated when he couldn't smoke and couldn't sleep when he was off it. He also said at one point that he thought cameras were watching him, because he was that paranoid from smoking it.

For this reason, he's only been allowed contact supervised by his parents as he refuses to quit. I've made every effort so that he can have contact but he's missed it a lot, but been better the past few
months. He's never smoked directly around DS but has turned up to contact high a couple of times.

He and his parents have DS 1-5pm every Saturday, and will now be picking him up from the childminder and having him until 7 on Wednesdays.

They have asked if they can start to have him overnight. I trust that his parents will take good care of him, as they would be there the whole time, but I don't know if it's the right thing to do. DS is now 13 months and walking. I'm apprehensive but I don't want to be unreasonable and over protective. I want him to have a good relationship with his dad, and I'm really struggling with single parenthood.

What would you do?

No.

No no no no no.

Give it another 6 months then have a think again.

If this were coming to court, overnights would be unlikely to be ordered before about two. The thinking is that before that, it's more important for secure attachment to not have overnights from the primary carer. And ultimately it is being securely attached that is the decider in young children forming good bonds with other family members, NOT overnights spent with them when young. It's the opposite of what you might think. The more secure they are as a result of routine and knowing they're never going to be away from mum when they need her, the more confident and happy they will be and good at forming relationships and positive bonds with others.

Your little DS will already have experienced a fair bit of emotional upheaval, even if you think he hasn't. He's already going through the process of being helped to bond with someone who isn't going to be very good at it. Someone who is a bit absent. Someone who is probably unpredictable. This is enough for him to process at 13 months.

Visits are one thing. Overnights are another. The difference between seeing lovely granny and grandad and moving to being away from mum overnight is massive.

At 13 months, the net result in terms of him building relationships outside of you, with his dad as well as any other external people, is more likely to be negative than anything else because the stress of being away from you overnight.

Let him get a bit bigger, a bit more secure before moving to this and it WILL pay off in terms of his emotional development.

I see what you're saying about needing a break. Could you see if they would like to have him more frequently during the day?

Don't make the mistake of thinking you can help a good relationship with his dad by offering up your son more and more. It won't work. Sadly if your ex still prioritises weed over his son then at some point, you are very likely going to have to step in to protect him from this relationship rather than nurture it - and as these are your ex's parents, be very careful not to set precedents that might end up prioritising your ex over your son.

Support the relationship but tread carefully.

If you’re asking ‘is it the right time?’ It isn’t the right time as you’re reluctant. Take notice of the red flags in front of you. No dope smoking person should be in charge of a child especially one that can’t get help or say what has happened. Just stick with what you’re doing.