Which friend is BU?

[Bizawit]

Friends A & B have sons, aged 10, who are good friends. Friend B’s son went round to play with Friend A’s son. They live in zone 3 London, a short walk from each other. The boys were only planning to be at Friend A’s house a short while and then were supposed to hang out at Friend A’s house (I think because friend A has a play station - not sure). The boys ended up staying much longer with friend A than expected, which was fine with friend B.

At around 4pm friend A texted friend B to say her son would be back shortly. At around 5pm friend B started getting worried as the boys has not shown up. She needed to go out to move the car- her parking was running out. She sent A text asking when the boys were coming.

Soon after, friend A saw the calls and read the text and assumed friend B wanted her son home as quickly as possible and that’s why she was calling. She hurried friend B’s son to leave as she sensed friend A wanted him back asap, and sent friend B a text saying her son was on his way home.. Friend B didn’t see the text as she was driving.

Friend A checked her phone about 5 minutes later and saw friend B had not seen the text. She then called friend B. She knew she needed to text friend B to let her know her son was coming as friend B has no doorbell.

When friend B realised her son had left on his own, and was probably waiting outside the house in the dark, she got really angry. She started screaming down the phone at friend A, saying that friend A had put her son at risk.

Friend A thought this was really irrational and unfair: they had an agreement that the boys were coming to friend B and that friend B was at home. Friend B has form for unreasonably losing her temper at friend A, so this isn’t the first time this has happened. She was really hurt that she was being yelled at once again for something that she felt was friend B’s fault.

Friend A thinks that, given their agreement, friend B should have let her know if she was going out. Friend B claims she tried to call friend A several times, to tell her she was going out, and that friend A had already not stuck to the plan as the boys were supposed to come together earlier in the day. Friend B thinks friend A put the safety of her child at risk and had no right to let him leave without checking first that she was home.

Who is BU? Vote YANBU if you think friend B is being unreasonable. Vote YABU if it’s friend A.

Say what?

thanks muddling i WAS being dim, not enough this morning

Friend B shouldn't be shouting. Friend A shouldn't send texts at 4 saying son was going home and then still not have left near 5!!! I'd be really worried at that point.

So, both at fault, but A could have easily avoided the whole thing.

In this particular case A was definitely in the wrong, you don't sent a text saying the child is on the way and an hour later he's still at your house. No wonder B was worried

This ^ stick to the plan or tell B if it has changed.

If A had texted the boys are on their way, and then that didnt happen then A should have texted again to say they are faffing around here still, when do you need your dc home by.

If B had to go out and move the car but needed to be at home to let the dc in, and she was expecting them home any minute because of A’s text, she should have texted A to say are they still with you, can you hang onto them for 10 more mins.

Also if B was so worried where the boys were, why didnt she just walk the route to A’s house and see if they were dwadling along the route

Did you even try to be impartial? You were bad at communicating to your friend where her son was after changing the plans. You should apologise.

Both. But especially you, friend A, for completely failing to write the post in an impartial way.

So the child walked home alone but then couldn't get in? For how long? If its an area such that standing outside the house alone puts him in danger, surely he shouldn't be walking home and a parent should be collecting him? And she shouldn't have screamed hysterically down the phone. But no, other Mom shouldn't have just sent him off

If, conversely, the area is perfectly safe, then she shouldn't have been screaming about his safety when she'd popped out without properly checking.

So it depends on the area.

Friend A certainly for not sticking with the original plan and not sending up a follow up text to say still here at 5pm.

As and Bs are too confusing for me but I am intrigued by the lack of a doorbell - how does that work? Do all family members and visitors have to phone ahead to have someome standing at the door?

That's really difficult to follow made more complicated by the fact you mixed up a and b.

Bottom line is no one should be shouting and screaming,

A in the wrong - saying son was on way home when he wasn't and not answering the phone.

I don’t think B had gone in the car to look, she’d just gone out hadn’t she? I think it’s weird B took an hour to think ‘hang on he’s not back’ and all this drama is probably her thinking how bad she’d look if he had gone missing and she had to tell the police she did not think about him until 55 mins after she was expecting him.

Argh sorry guys I really ballsed up the original post. First thing in the morning and have a head cold! Wanted to edit or delete and repost to word it more clearly and fix mistakes but as far as I know you can’t do that without contacting HQ?

Anyways- I’m actually neither friend. I posted because they are now in a massive row and I’ve been trying to mediate to as I can, to some extent, see both sides.

I’m much closer to friend A so probably more sympathetic to her perspective but did try to give a balanced account. It is absolutely true, for example, that friend B has a terrible temper and has form for irrationally yelling at people. And friend A finds that really hard to take as she is very conflict averse. So I think that’s important context.

Friend A is absolutely convinced that friend B is unequivocally completely unreasonable, so I wanted to see what others thought.

Friend A is at fault

1. For saying the boy was coming home and then not making sure he did.

1. For sending him home on his own in the dark as a 10 year old.

Friend B is right to be upset. But not right to scream. Friend B needs to make firmer arrangements to compensate for friend A's obvious dopeyness.

To clarify a few points:

When she texted at 4pm friend A didn’t exactly say son was on the way, but she said he would be back shortly.

Friend B tried to call several times at 5pm to find out where the boys were, but friend A didn’t pick up. She then sent a text asking when the boys would be back (but didn’t mention she was going out.) (sorry if that’s a drip feed, it was meant to be in the original post).

I mentioned it was zone 3 London as I wanted to give some indication of context- so a very urban/ city setting. I don’t have a 10 year old myself, so have little knowledge about the level of independence and what is safe for a child that age. From what I know of the kids, friend A’s son is very precocious and independent - more so than friend B’s son, so maybe that influences friend A’s evaluation of risk? Dunno.

The "impartiality" of the A and B thing is even more transparent than the "asking for a friend" thing

Personally I would let the boys sort it out between themselves as they are probably more mature than A and B...

You are minimizing friend A's fault here will be home shortly means left or leaving soon not still being at A's house an hour later nor should friend A have ignored B's calls and sent a child home over a hour late without speaking to B first.

I'd be pissed if I was friend B.

I think you’re both unreasonable really (I assume you’re friend A) friend A shouldn’t have sent the boy home without speaking to B but B and really they had agreed the boys where coming to their earlier but N shouldn’t have shouted either. You both need to get over it/be more organised.

How long could it possibly take to move a car?

Unless the kid is 10 months and not 10 years, B is being massively unreasonable