AIBU Mil attitude to OH health condition.

[Chestnutpony99]

So a little background... My OH has ulcerative colitis, he has had a flare up for about a year and a half now, and has been going through the motions trying all the drugs on the ladder but nothing is working yet.

His symptoms are so unpredictable, he cannot work at the moment (so pretty stressful for me, as just my part time wage and UC coming in!)

Next week he starts a new infusion, and then there has been talk of surgery to remove some gut.

All along his mum has been saying 'you don't want surgery'... Like It's some terrible terrible thing, to the point my OH is now adament he doesn't want surgery at all, ever.
She wants him to get a second opinion, perhaps he doesn't have colitis after all, maybe he's been misdiagnosed... 🙄
I just don't think it's a helpful attitude to have, especially about the surgery.

I know it's potentially a life changing operation, but it'll improve his quality of life drastically, we have a 14 month old, and it's affecting how he can interact / play (or not) with him..
I've already had words with MIL tonight over text as I have disagreed with her, and how dare anyone disagree with her!

Explained my feelings as mentioned above and all I got back was 'we will talk face to face about this...' so patronising!

AIBU in my thinking about surgery, and mil interfering ways and attitudes!?

Well, I do agree with her it's not a discussion to have over text.

That said, I think your OH should listen to medical advice over his mother.

I presume the surgery potentially could involve formation of a stoma?

For what it's worth, I will offer my experience. I had an emergency operation and stoma creation after accidental bowel damage during a medical procedure. It was all a bit of a shock to be honest, but I recovered quickly and the stoma started functioning well within days. You get a lot of support from the stoma nurses to get used to managing using the bags and they have lots of solutions to solve any problems that might arise. Once you get used to it managing the bags is pretty straightforward and the modern products are very discreet. You can't smell anything or see the bags under clothes and I regularly went swimming and hid the bag with a costume with a bit of ruching. Bag changes are pretty quick and usually only needed about twice a day. It honestly won't interfere with any normal activities.

I was lucky enough to be able to have a stoma reversal operation after the bowel was finally fully recovered but, if the alternative had been constant pain and ill health which prevented me from working, I would have kept the stoma without any hesitation. Don't be afraid of it, it could be a godsend if it puts a stop to your OH's awful debilitating symptoms.

I hope that helps. Your MIL has no business pushing her ill informed opinions on your poor OH, he really doesn't need this.

Good luck to him, I hope he finds the right solution for him.

Thank you!

I'm a nurse myself, so know all about stomas, and the effects of them.
My mil just doesn't seem to get the potential good it may bring OH if it comes to it.

We went to Soft play the other day, he managed 5 mins of playing ball with our son before he had to rush off to the toilet.
I don't think he wants to live like that for the rest of his life...
But his mother's opinions seem to get in his head, and then I'm left to try and reason with him.

Glad everything worked out for you PP! X

My mum is 78 and had suffered ulcerative colitis for years being on strong medications and often seriously ill.
She finally had the same op your dh is being advised to about 10 years ago and the difference is amazing.
Yes she has a stoma and had to get used to the bag etc but she has much more of a life. She s way more healthy and i wish she had had her op years ago.
Dh should listen to his doctors not his mum.
She s probably just really worried about him going through the operation etc so is trying to put him off.
It s such a horrible painful illness if he can get it sorted he will feel a new lease of life.

Possibly your MIL is basing her opposition to surgery on completely out of date information? My FIL had a stoma created after cancer surgery over 30 years ago and the technology has advanced so much since then, the bags and other aids I had were so much easier to use and much less obtrusive than the stuff he had. Even so, he felt confident to go swimming and never let the stoma stop him doing what he wanted.

She is certainly out of order putting your OH off the surgery he needs, but he does seem to listen to her unfortunately. Maybe you could get her onside by sitting her down and giving her the facts about the reality of managing a stoma with all the help available today? I understand how upsetting it is to see how her ignorant opinions are affecting your poor OH but pragmatically getting her onside would seem to be the best solution.

Which medical school did your MIL get her degree from?

Tbh he probably doesn't want a stoma and any new health conditions and risks that come with the surgery.
He really should explore all other options and get second opinions before making HIS final decision.

Name change fail OP?
FWIW I think your DP and MIL are probably a bit frightened of the unknown in regards to the surgery. Has he actually sat down with a surgeon and explored the options?

I've been a nurse on a colorectal ward for a few years and I've never spoken to a patient who has had the surgery for UC/Chrons who has regretted it. It always seems to be must better handled when its planned well with input from stoma nurse rather than an emergency but even then having some control over bowel movements is life changing. I've spoken to some young girls having to go to the toilet 40 times a day and getting severe skin problems from having to clean themselves so much, they can't hold down a job or even think about having family never mind the struggle to try and maintain nutritional intake.

Your DH would be better getting advise from someone who has been in his position. Is there a family history? Someone he can speak to? If not there are so many blogs/youtubers sharing their story.

Most people who haven't dealt with stomas are freaked out by them (in fact we have bank nurses who 'don't do stomas' ) and your MIL is obviously there rather than thinking of how miserable life is becoming for her son.

@Savingshoes, I'm not aware of any long term health conditions caused by the stoma operation itself, can you elaborate?

The stoma operation itself can be a temporary measure used to rest the bowel to allow injury to heal or to allow conditions such as ulcerative colitis to calm down and improve. Reversal is usually possible up to about a year after the original operation, I believe. Not sure if this would be an option in OP's OH's case, depends on how much bowel is removed.

My sister had the op 20 years ago when it was a relatively new op and has never looked back.

Yes, living with a bag whilst things heal isn't great but was so worth it.........she went from constant pain and incontinence to being able to live a normal life in the main do long as she controls her diet. Only real downside is her poos a lot more acidic so that can make her sore, the op also means she automatically opens her bowels when she goes to the loo. But that's nothing compared to how she had things before.

Surely as your husband is an adult he can make his own decisions without his mum's interference; It's him who needs to tell her to keep her medically uneducated advice to herself, you saying it to her will always only end up as a battle of wills/power struggle.

It's your husband who needs to do the talking here.