To be really angry with ds friend?

[TheGreatElephantChase]

I've got two sons, 11yo and 6yo, 6yo is Thomas (not his real name).

11yo has a friend called Luke, they were best friends in Primary and now go to different secondary's but have remained friends. Luke has stayed at our house and vice versa.

Luke is seemingly a pleasant enough boy, but I've noticed he can be mean to ds1. For example if ds phone Luke to tell him something, Luke will tell him to go away and he's not interested and put the phone down. Once ds sent Luke a funny meme and Luke went crazy told ds to fuck off and stop sending him stupid shit.

Luke on the other hand phones ds over and over at all times of the day and night. Ds has lots of hobbies and if ds doesn't answer because he's out, Luke will phone repeatedly up to 20-30 times and get angry with ds for not answering. He gets annoyed with ds for doing his hobbies and tries to persuade him not to go. Ds does not harass Luke in this way.

I've spoken to ds about how I don't think it's a very healthy friendship. But ds wants to remain friends.

So today, ds was talking to Luke on the phone, Luke was on loudspeaker, ds little brother was trying to join in and Luke suddenly said "fuck you Thomas", to ds brother. Bearing in mind he only 6.

I'm furious and I feel I don't want this boy in my house again as he's got a spiteful streak.

I think this is more than just typical kids stuff.

Wow he is a self righteous little sod.
I'd encourage DS to end the friendship.

Next time he phones answer and speak to him yourself and tell him to stop being a little shit.

Ok it's interesting that people are so horrified by Luke's behaviour. I'm probably way too much of a pushover. I know kids can be spiteful and have their fallings out so I'm sort of navigating through it all. Initially Luke seemed like a nice lad, and they got on so well but I have realised Luke's behaviour can be very spiteful and manipulative/beyond normal.

You're right though it isn't really fair to let ds try to manage this as he's too young.

I would handle this yourself. Tell him his behaviour isn't acceptable and not to contact ds again.

Agree with others, what would have been the last phone call 'Luke' ever made to my child.

This is great moment to teach DS about unhealthy relationships and how to deal with them.

I agree with everyone else - block Luke everywhere, and if necessary you do need to forbid DS1 from having contact with him.

Personally I wouldn't contact Luke's parents. Those conversations never, ever end well!

The other thing that happened recently that alarmed me was this.

Luke was supposed to be 'going out' with a girl from their old class Lilly. To make her jealous, Luke had persuaded ds to send him love heart emojis, Luke then changed ds name in his phone to a girls name and screenshot the messages to Lilly, and told the girl he was now dating another girl from ds new school and told ds he was to go along with it if asked.

These are 11 year olds. I saw all the messages and Luke was definitely concocted the whole thing.

I saw all the messages later that evening and we had a big long talk about all of that.

But really I think the friendship needs to come to an end now. It's all just too much. I don't want him in the house especially now I've witnessed him be spiteful to a young child.

I'm not sure there's much point speaking to his parents, they are nice enough but Luke seems to spent all his time in his room and they obviously don't check his phone etc.

The thing is you can put it down to 'kids being just kids' but if it were your son acting this way and making other kids feel upset then you'd want to put a stop to it right? Kids can be easily affected by this sort of shit. Friendships are important to them at this age and it's not healthy to have one that is so one sided and abusive. It will make your son feel rubbish just like it would if one of your friends was being cruel or rude or demanding.

I think you have to put a stop to it.

OP, like many parents over the years I have had contact with lots of children via my own children.

My overwhelming experience is, that most children are nice and kind.

I wouldn't tolerate an unkind child in my house for that reason.

It's a bit like having hard or demanding children over for playdates over the years.

No thank you.

It's exactly what I have told my children too.

Don't waste your time on people who aren't pleasant to play with.
There are loads of other nice people to play with.

It is not my job as a parent to fix or correct other people's children. I have enough to be doing trying to do right by my own.

Luke is not a positive influence on your child.

Your son at 11 needs you to step in and parent him.

In this instance that is telling him that Like is neither nice nor kind and that he is no longer welcome.

Luke's number to be duly blocked and the teacher informed if they are in school together.

Take control of the situation, for christ's sake

Is Luke the other child’s real name?

This feels super familiar.

Much easier to end this now, in a few years it will be much harder. Be prepared for Luke to get nasty when he senses rejection.

I would still inform the parents, they need to know. If they don't act on it then that's their look out but at least make them aware.

Luke needs guidance on unhealthy relationships just as much as your DS does and I don't think some of the comments here calling him a little shit, abusive, a reprobate, etc are helpful. Let his parents know what has been happening.

I would answer the phone and tell Luke you are sick to death of him constantly ringing your Son and you are disgusted by his foul laungage and he needs to back off. He sounds like very bad news and will only get worse as he gets older

The business with the phone is very worrying for an 11 yr old. It will only get worse. Ban him from your house and get your son away from him. You have valid grounds. Its possible that your son is reluctant to cut contact due to fear or misplaced loyalty. He is too young to make that decision so make it for him.

I might add I haven't reacted quicker a lot of this has happened since Luke got a phone during the Summer holidays. Since then I've seen a different side to him.

Before that Luke was always nice and pleasant when he was in our house.

I thought they'd probably just stop bothering with each other as they've gone to different secondary schools, but that hasn't happened.

Seriously, stop dithering and worrying about ending the friendship, he's NOT a friend.

Block his number from your ds phone but be prepared for abusive texts and calls from other numbers.

Shits like this don't give up until they find another victim.

You need to empower your son to end the friendship and to make it clear he won't tolerate this behaviour.

We had similar with DD in year 6 and it took a while for her to accept this wasn't normal in a friendship but when she did realise we helped her to disengage and gave her the words to use to do so. It was scarey for her but a valuable life lesson and now she doesn't put up with any nonsense from anyone!

That's seriously concerning behaviour from an 11 year old.

I'd be answering the phone myself and tell Luke that his behaviour is unacceptable and he is to no longer contact your DS. Make it clear he's not welcome. Or maybe just answer after him calling for the 30th time and tell him to fuck off.... jokes!!! Sort of.

Luke got a phone during the Summer holidays. Since then I've seen a different side to him. Before that Luke was always nice and pleasant when he was in our house.

All the more reason to make his parents aware as there may be something more going on.

I think you need to contact Luke's parents.
It's no good saying Luke spends his tim in his room, they don;t check his phone, they don;t know what he's doing etc.
It's time they did know what he is doing and put a stop to it. Maybe they will take his phone away if you let them know what he is up to.

I would phone, say you need to draw their attention to this, he is phoning constantly, being very rude, making a nuisance of himself and disrupting your evenings, and he is swearing at your youngest child. It is not acceptable and you expect them to put a stop to it.

If his parents are being lax then you need to pull them up on it because he is affecting your household. If theysimply aren't aware of his behaviour, then they need to be made aware.

I wouldn't have him at my house if he had sworn at a six year old (Or frankly the swearing at your older boy, hanging up on him etc. - nasty unacceptable behaviour)

Luke is a child just as much as your DS is, he needs steering in the right direction and contacting his parents is the way to do that.

You need to empower your son to end the friendship and to make it clear he won't tolerate this behaviour.

This

Now

Another saying yes you need to interfere.

Your ds needs to learn appropriate friendship boundaries. Then his friendship group will flourish. It's very hard for children to make other friends outside a controlling abusive relationship because they a) hang around waiting for that friend and are scared to upset them and b) don't understand real friendships are intense so if someone isn't this intense with them they don't get they do like them and want to pursue a friendship.

Aren't so intense - not are