Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what to do

36 replies

Nather · 22/11/2019 21:48

I've namechanged as don't want this to be too outing

Son is almost 20 and has been with his girlfriend for almost a year. She's his first girlfriend.

I'm friends with his girlfriends mum and recently she found out she was pregnant. She told me and her mum she was having an abortion (we didn't try to change her mind as it was her choice).

Today son found out and he told me he hates me and that I forced her and he told me I love DD (23) more than him.

OP posts:
bgegmum · 22/11/2019 22:04

Sounds like he's probably really scared?
Maybe she twisted what had been said?
Did you have a reaction other that "congratulations"?
Is she scared and maybe felt like you two were disappointed in them?
Did you have any "that's probably for the best" comments or something to that effect?
There's more of a reason as to why he's reacted like that

Original poster
Nather · 23/11/2019 09:06

No i didn't have any other reaction. He told me I should've told him.

OP posts:
bgegmum · 23/11/2019 09:08

Should have told him what? That she was going for an abortion?

Bluntness100 · 23/11/2019 09:10

Do you mean he didn't know she was pregnant or going for an abortion or both? I can see why if it's either of them he'd be upset you didn't tell him,

fedup21 · 23/11/2019 09:11

She told you and her mum she was pregnant and had an abortion and didn’t tell him?

Did you not ask her what your son thought of it all? Did you know he didn’t even know?

Original poster
Nather · 23/11/2019 09:17

Yes I knew he didn't know because she didn't know if she wanted to keep baby or have an abortion but when she chose to have an abortion she didn't want to tell him incase he tried to change her mind.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 23/11/2019 09:19

I think he’s right to be upset that the three of you have discussed it before he was told. But it wasn’t your job to tell him, it was his girlfriend’s. He’s angry and lashing out.

I’d try not to get sucked in. Just say “OK” and don’t get involved in long recriminatory discussions - you’re just a bystander here.

Original poster
Nather · 23/11/2019 09:42

I didn't tell him because his girlfriend trusted me not to.

OP posts:
MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 23/11/2019 09:46

His GF was entitled to terminate her pregnancy, with or without his agreement. But he's entitled to feel hurt that she chose to confide in you rather than him and that he's the last to know. I think you just need to let him have his reaction. Give him some space, hopefully he'll come around.

Wherecanwegetoff123 · 23/11/2019 09:47

I understand both sides. Her body her choice. But he is your son. I don't think there is a right answer. If you were the mother of the girlfriend everyone would say you have no right to tell him and it's up to her. But as his mother you were put in a tight situation and if she didn't want him to know she shouldn't have told you really

Halo1234 · 23/11/2019 09:49

Oh dear. You were in a tight spot can see why u didnt think it was your place to tell him. But OMG she had an abortion without discussing it with him but both mums knew. He has been kept in the dark and I can see why he is angry at you and is gf. I feel guys get a raw deal in these situations because they have no say over such an important decision. It's their baby too. I don't know what the answer is though because I also can say the arguement that a pregnant lady has the right to choice. You need to try and explain why you didnt tell him. Get him is understand that u are sorry and understand why he is angry.

CAG12 · 23/11/2019 10:19

Sounds as if hes struggling to deal with it. Id let it lie for a while and try and revisit the issue when initial emotions have calmed a bit

Original poster
Nather · 23/11/2019 21:01

So this evening he started saying I hated him etc again and he's gone out. No idea where to as he said he was just going out.

OP posts:
Dentures101 · 23/11/2019 21:10

Let him cool off

TheBigFatMermaid · 23/11/2019 21:20

I understand his upset though, why don't you? Acknowledge that at least!

lljkk · 23/11/2019 21:23

Has he said what he would have done with the information if he knew straight away?

The real rift is between them not between you & him. He should be upset that she didn't feel she could tell him.

TooTrueToBeGood · 23/11/2019 21:28

I get that it's a difficult situation but he's acting like a 12 year old. Hardly surprising she didn't rush to tell him. I get that he is your son but he is not the person most in need of support right now.

Havaina · 23/11/2019 21:31

Is your son quite controlling OP? It’s concerning that his GF didn’t want to tell him in case he tried to change her mind.

Have they broken up? Or is he fine with her and reserving his anger for you?

Original poster
Nather · 23/11/2019 21:48

He hasn't said what he'd do if he knew straight away but he'd probably try to change her mind and if she didn't listen he would probably be angry towards her or something.

I know this will seen quite nasty to say but I'm glad she had an abortion as he isn't ready for a baby. My DD had granddaughter when she was 16 so she is now 7 but when she asks him to play with her he says he's busy. Or last week when he was home and DD was working later than usual & I was working we asked if he would pick her up he refused and said he couldn't be bothered.

And he occasionally gets into fights etc

I don't know if they have broken up. He doesn't seem angry at her but he might be.

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 23/11/2019 21:49

I'm not surprised he's angry. He must feel so hurt that you knew about both the pregnancy and the abortion but didn't tell him.

I'd wait until he calms down and then explain that you were put on the spot because his GF and her DM made you keep the information a secret.

In your shoes I would have refused to discuss the pregnancy or the abortion. If I'd been told of the pregnancy/abortion and then that it was a secret I had to keep from my son I'd have been very pissed off with both the gf and her mum. What was the purpose of you knowing, FFS?

Original poster
Nather · 23/11/2019 22:59

I dont know why they told me. And I don't know why his girlfriend told him that she was pregnant but had an abortion

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 24/11/2019 03:54

You're going to have to talk with him - when you eventually get the chance. Find out how he feels about it all, and try to comfort him. He must be feeling very raw.

And try to get him to understand what an impossibly difficult position you were put in.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 24/11/2019 05:02

Girlfriend should have told son. He had a right to know.
Isnt your fault of course but I can understand his reaction.
Both of them got pregnant. Should have been both their decisions.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 24/11/2019 06:03

Your son has every right to be angry with you.

In his eyes you supported your daughter with her teenage pregnancy but didn't think he even had the right to know that he, as an adult, had impregnated somebody.

I can see you were in a really difficult spot but I agree with him.

JoannaObrien · 24/11/2019 06:06

Your son and his girlfriend don't sound very close because if they were she would have told him first about the pregnancy, after all he was the father wasn't he?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread