To think breaks don't work

[skylighting]

DP and I ended today. I'm devastated. We've been arguing terribly the past two weeks or so, maybe more, constantly. Every day. He ended it today and said that he's falling out of love with me because of all of the arguing. And that he no longer cares to argue or to resolve the problem which is a "bad sign".

He regrets ending things. A "break" has been suggested and I've said I am not a fan of the idea. I am completely heartbroken, but I feel like its pointless. He thinks he should try it, as what do we have to lose? I don't know how long it would be, I'm guessing a week or two. But I don't know.

Do breaks every actually work? Do people overcome massive problems and go on to have healthy, happy relationships? This has been my first healthy (until recently) relationship, so I am lost.

AIBU to feel like a "break" in a relationship means that it's going to end anyway?

What do you argue about?

Feeling like I'm going to be cruel to be kind here, but I've always seen the suggestion of a "break" to be a kind way of saying I want to end it but I want to do it gently (I've used that, and I've had it used on me with the same effect). Having said that, in all cases it followed a much longer difficult period - if the problems have only been for two weeks then I don't think that it's as inevitable. Depends how long the relationship is and if there's anything that has prompted the change. L Either way, you'll get through this and you will be ok. Hugs.

I think it depends. One way I've experienced was as a PP mentioned about it being used to let the other partner down gently. However, current DP and I had a break when I had just started a particularly stressful part of my career and we had been together 18 months. Were back together after 3 weeks after lots of talking about how he could support me and vice versa. Still together now (5 years in total) and have a house together and a really good relationship.

I think it depends on why you’re arguing. If it’s something that can be resolved by seeing things from the other perspective then a break might help you to see things from his side when he’s not around to ram it down your throat!

I have found a break to help in some ways - it can make you realise what you’re missing and make you weigh up the pros and cons more than just focusing on the negative.

However, when it has worked it has been a break up that ended up being a break. We had both moved on, booked dates with other people and started to put our relationship behind us. When we saw each other again and realised we’d rather fix our issues than start a new thing with other people, we decided to try again.

Knowing that you’re going to get back together after 4 weeks or whatever, stops you moving on properly as processing what had happened.

I think it’s more useful to say that it’s an ending and if you’re meant to be together you’ll both realise it at some point and find your way back to each other.

Thank you.

We don't even argue about one specific thing. It's something different all of the time. We've only been together for 7 months (friends for much longer) so I guess that 2 or so weeks seems like a lot to him.

I feel stupid saying it but I really did think I had found the love of my life, yes, so soon. It's silly, I know. But I've never connected with another person in that way.

I would love to try and save things but I feel like it's just pointless and will be even more painful for me.

@qate. I have to agree. It’s a way of splitting ‘gently’. I’m also sending you hugs.

I don't think that it's a way of splitting gently in this case as he had completely ended it.

The break was brought up a few hours later after we had wished each other the best etc.

I also don't know how long is the correct amount of time for a break.

Asking for a break is what you say when you are scared to say you want to split.

It's hard when it doesn't work, but it isn't the end of everything. Take a deep breath and look after yourself

Sorry OP, he wants to keep his options open which is why he came back with the break option. Best thing you can do now is wish him all the best and be proactive about going out and having fun

I wish that I could just walk away, but this tiny glimmer of hope is stopping me. I'm too weak.

You’ve only been with him seven months and you’ve been arguing constantly about everything for two weeks?

Listen to that, op, does it sound like a healthy relationship? No!

Your ex has the right idea.

Find someone you don’t argue with!

I was lost when you said your seven month relationship in which you argue constantly was a healthy relationship? Love of your life?

I think you might want to reasses what a healthy relationship is because yours does not sound very healthy. You may be compatible as friends but not as a couple.

Perhaps the break suggestion is more of a let us just be friends again and try and rescue that bit of the relationship.

We don't argue over everything it's just that the past two weeks, something has come up every day. We're both depressed and we only see each other on weekends due to him moving away for study, so I think that's put on a strain.

Asking for a break is what you say when you are scared to say you want to split.

Yup. I was a dickhead when I wanted to split with my first DP in my early 20s. I wanted out but didn’t want to hurt his feelings so suggested a break. We eventually properly broke up, but only after I messed him about for the guts of a year.

It’s my only real regret in life.

You're still in the first flush of a new relationship, where you should look forward to spending time together and everything should still be shiny and new.

To argue/bicker and not get on this soon in? You're not right for each other. I've been married for 26 years, and we rarely argue. Our relationship is far from perfect, trust me, but when you're arguing with someone, you've lost control. And that's never going to be a healthy relationship.

I hate to say it, but he's already gone....... he's just feeling bad about your reaction. Rip the plaster off, and hit the block button