AIBU?
porn
Piggley · 20/08/2007 19:47
Just went into computer and discovered hubby had been looking at v explicit porn sites. I hate this. Just had a huge row now not talking, want to thump him so badly but haven't. He says he loves and fancies me but had a bit to drink and wanted to look at some pictures. Advice/comments much appreciated. ps we have an active sex life.
mamazon · 20/08/2007 19:50
i am bound to get flamed for this but i realy do not understand why women get so het up over this.
you say you have a good active sex life so its not as if you need to worry about him not finding you attractive.
its pictures. do we not sit here constantly lusting after johnny Depp/george clooney etc?
why is it any different.
i just don't get it. im not having a go at you....i have seen/heard it many times before and i just don't understand.
Tuesday5 · 20/08/2007 19:56
Thats awful. I would be horrified but take a deep breath and dont thump him!!! If you have an active sex life surely he cant be looking because he isnt satisfied - is that what you think? Has he done it before? Tell him if he wants to look again, you can do it together, that way he gets a look, you know what he is up to and its something you are doing together, no need for him to sneak about behind your back which i guess is what would upset me
littlelapin · 20/08/2007 19:57
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Theclosetpagan · 20/08/2007 20:00
Have to say I KNOW my hubby does this too. He doesn't tell me about it but a quick glance at the internet cache is all it takes. .
I honestly don't let it bother me as I know men are very visually driven. Most men like to look but as long as it doesn't drift into affairs etc then it's not the end of the world to me.
However, if it really bothers you then your hubby needs to know and restrain himself. Trouble is that porn is so accessible these days. 20 years ago unless he went to the top shelf it wouldn't have been there.
Piggley · 20/08/2007 20:05
He has done it before. Downloaded hundreds of pictures and videos to his mobile phone. This was about a year ago and I went mad. At the time I was having a m/c so sex was off the table, but I just thought with me suffering so much he would perhaps be able to control himself. I felt really betrayed, it took a long time for me to like him again, I will always love him.
Since then we have spiced up sex life, I've even let him take racy pictures of me! So I know to some people its just a few pictures but there is a bit of painful history attached to it.
littlelapin · 20/08/2007 20:07
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
pastalady · 20/08/2007 20:41
I can totally see why you are upset and angry. It makes you feel rejected in a way and no-one likes to think of their man looking at other women - especially like that.
But, I think it's a natural thing for men to want to look at. Dabble's is right - most blokes do it or would given half a chance. You don't want to start some big issue out of this that could potentially make him do it more or at least want to do it more and be more sneaky about it.
Make sure you know how pissed off you are, how hurt you are, how it makes you feel etc. Maybe throw in that you don't want the family PC getting riddled with stuff like that the kids could see etc and bombarded with porn mail & virus's. Throw in that you can still see that at the same time it's natural to want to look at that kind of thing, but you still feel the way you do.
At the end of the day he'll either keep doing it, but cover his tracks so well that you wont know - ignorance is bless is better than nothing I suppose. Or he'll listen to you and stop doing it. Either way you've talked it through and that's the healthiest option IMO
madamez · 20/08/2007 20:46
Appreciate that you are upset by it and were upset by it before - but it really isn't a harmful thing to do and it's not reasonable of you to forbid him to look at it. A person's imagination is their own business, after all - would you let him dictate what you could or could not read, watch, listen to, etc?
Piggley · 20/08/2007 20:54
I suppose I just want him to want me and only me. Silly I know. I'm happy to talk to him about people he finds attractive and I tell him who I fancy. But have you actually seen how vile these sites are? Huge difference between photos of naked women to what he actually looks at. They are incredibly degrading and knowing that he gets turned on looking at them makes me wonder if I know him at all.
lucyellensmum · 20/08/2007 21:19
piggley, you dont say what your hubby has exactly been looking at. I would say that as long as he is only looking at sites that are clearly only involving consenting adults and dont suggest anything other than that, i would rather think it is just his way of satisfying some fantasies. I mean, we all have fantasies dont we, mine are really weird, but ive read nancy friday's secret garden and am convinced im quite tame really, in comparison. (this book investigates female fantasy). I just wonder piggley, and i am going to get flamed as this is a really personal q and im kind of turning the tables on you, but you'll see why. Do you have fantasies? Do you, (sorry) ever masturbate? If the answer is yes, i bet you don't need to look at porn, i know i dont. That is becasuse poor old men arent as complex as us girlies and they need that visual stimulation, whereas we can rely on our brains. Just a theory, don't be too hard on him, was he embarrased by you finding what he was looking at? if he was acutely embarrased then i would be more worried tbh, because then he is doing something he feels is illicit. But if he took it on the chin then i think you should forgive him. Explain to him that you dont get it, maybe have a look at it with him, but not if you dont like it. Maybe the compromise could be looking at some blue movies together. I do this with DP from time to time, we enjoy it, it feels terribly naughty, and thats about it. He doesnt look at porn, if find erotic literature a turn on, he doesnt. But we like to watch the films together, sometimes.
i'm waffling, i'll shut up
Piggley · 20/08/2007 21:28
Thank you for that. I have also read nancy friday's book and loved the fact that women were being so open and honest. I think all women masterbate (how do you spell it!!), certainly I know my friends do. You're right I have no interest in porn, it does nothing for me at all and that is probably one of the reasons i am so pissed off because I can't understand why he can't give it up when he knows how much it upsets me and why does he need it so much?
I'm beginning to think maybe I'm the one with the problem?
Piggley · 20/08/2007 21:33
LEM, you sound really cool, don't worry about not reading the other postings. Hubby did tell me that he looked at the porn on sat. night when I was out on the town. he was loney and bored and promises it is the first time he has looked at porn since I had my m/c. Problem is he has proved himself in the past to be an ace liar. I suppose I just need to believe him, talk to him about his needs and reach a compromise. I did think that sex on a v regular basis might be enough! Maybe I should take your advice about a film - any suggestions?
lucyellensmum · 20/08/2007 21:35
i think your problem is that it reminds you of a terrible time in your life and i can understand that, totally. I think you made a good point though, that all women masturbate and well, it would probably be hard not to, so maybe it is the same for him. I think that maybe if you found it within yourself to accept that he does it then he wouldnt have to be so secretive. But it does sound like he has rather an unhealthy appetite for it, i think most men can take it or leave it.
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