Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

6 year old no best friend

23 replies

dontcallmeduck · 21/11/2019 22:24

My 6 year old has friends and is happy which I know should be all that matters so I suspect IABU. But he doesn’t have a best friend, he never gets invited on play dates and I never know who to invite because he says he’s friends with everyone. Should I be trying harder and how could I go about it not actually knowing who he’s close to? Or should I just leave him to it? His teacher also says he plays with everyone and doesn’t have a specific group.

OP posts:

Smelborp · 21/11/2019 22:26

Playing with everyone sounds good!

It sounds like the teacher has no concerns over his social skills and friendships. Just start having play dates and ask him who he’d like to invite first.

Shoeshow · 21/11/2019 22:32

So much better for your DS to have lots of different friends, rather than one best one.

Play dates are nice, but in my experience it doesn’t really affect friendships in school at that age.

As long as he is happy then I wouldn’t worry

Justajot · 21/11/2019 22:35

I have two DDs, one has a best friend and the other has lots of friends. I find the best friend thing much more concerning than the lots of friends thing.

Original poster

dontcallmeduck · 21/11/2019 22:38

My other son does have a best friend so that’s all I’ve ever known. It’s a lovely friendship too, they’ve never fallen out in 4 years so he’s very fortunate and whilst he plays with others he knows he has his best friend there. I’m probably comparing too much. He is very happy though so maybe I should relax about it.

OP posts:

Sneezeandooops · 21/11/2019 22:42

With a best friend if they fall out it causes so much upset, or if they are away from school for the day the other best friend doesnt feel like they fit with others at playtime. I still remember my best friend moving to the other end of the country when we were in year 2. Cant go wrong with loads of friend at such a young age. As long as hes happy that's great

Sneezeandooops · 21/11/2019 22:44

Saw your update after I posted, that's so sweet that they have never fallen out.

HeatedDryer · 21/11/2019 22:52

Take the lead from your DS. It can take time for good friendships to form. And even when you think they have a solid friendship group, it can all fall apart. Its normal at his age and lovely that he gets on well with a wide range of children.

Original poster

dontcallmeduck · 21/11/2019 23:03

Thanks for your reassurance. I’ll just follow his lead. Good point about if the best friend if off or moves. My eldest sons best friend is so amazing, he’s amazing with both boys and it’s actually easier having him here as they all play so well. I can see them all being friend in 20 years! But some of my eldests other friendships are more problematic so I can see the difficulties and think we’ve just got lucky.
My 6 year old is a genuinely happy child and I’m probably projecting my feelings onto him worrying he’ll feel left out if the others talk about best friends.

OP posts:

fit4more · 21/11/2019 23:03

Honestly, don’t stress it. With my eldest I playdated constantly. Most of them then left the school over several years because people do move around and by Year 4, her friendship group had completely changed! She’s now friends with kids we didn’t even have play dates with at all at that age. There is research that says they don’t start to make friends properly until 7 anyway, which is year 3. Honestly, all those age 6 play dates I did were a total waste of time. When they get to senior school, again, their friends change. The best thing to do is teach being resilient. Lots of friends, moveable amongst groups so when the inevitable friendship issues start, your child can shrug shoulders and switch to a different group easily. Rather than play dates put energy into outside activities that bring your child into contact with other non school kids. Line your basket with many eggs.

Countryescape · 22/11/2019 08:48

Very normal for his age. My daughter is the same. Plays with everyone and is quite blasé about friendships

tillytrotter1 · 22/11/2019 20:38

I'm 71 and have never had a 'best friend', I have friends obviously, I'm not that odious but because of various factors when I was young I never had a 'best friend'.

My granddaughter's school actually discourages tight one to one friendships because of the problems they can cause.

Angela9 · 22/11/2019 20:41

I always had one best friend growing up. They were like mini co-dependant love affairs, honestly, and when we fell out we fell out in style and they would become my enemy and I there's. Interestingly, they have had abusive relationships with men just like me as adults from what I've gathered from the gossip tree over the years. I feel like those really intense childhood friendships evolved into codependent abusive relationships later, and so I would seriously always prefer my children to have a small group of friends or be friends with every body. I still have very 1:1 friendships now and struggle with groups and it's not healthy

Dishwashersaurous · 22/11/2019 20:41

At six lots of children are still not happy to go to others houses by themselves and thus play date have to involve parents and siblings. Therefore there aren’t actually that many often until they are older unless you already know the parents

AloeVeraLynn · 22/11/2019 20:44

Best way to be, I think. My 4 year old just started school and really wants a best friend 🙄 I'm trying to encourage her to play with lots of people rather than focusing on a "bestie". 7 year old plays with everyone and is very happy. No friendship issues so far and he really isn't bothered about best friends. He just wants to play and have fun with whoever.

Isleepinahedgefund · 22/11/2019 20:53

My dd is like this - she says she has “ at least” 10 best friends and plays with everyone. She is a bit older (nearly 8) and does get invited on play dates but not as often as you’d think for such a popular child.

Her teachers specifically commented on how popular she is and how well she makes and maintains friendships - maybe ask his teachers what they think?

Our week is so busy that play dates are actually a bit difficult - I figure that they see each other at school every day so it’s no so important for her to foster those relationships outside school. I do try but it is hard - I also tell her friends’s parents this so they don’t think I don’t want my kid to be friends with theirs! Do you invite kids round for play dates?

As a PP has said, “best friend” relationships at this age can be a curse - if they “break up” there can be tremendous fallout and a very lonely, isolated child on the end of it.

Fandoozle1 · 22/11/2019 20:58

I think this is fairly normal OP. My Dd just turned six and a few kids in her year are like this, they play with everyone and anyone. I ask DD who she played with and most days it’s different kids.

Elbeagle · 22/11/2019 20:58

My 6 year old DD doesn’t have a ‘best friend’ but I thought it was something to be pleased about rather than it being concerning. She has a lovely friendship group, and from what I can tell there are no falling out or anything like that (yet!).
4 year old has a ‘best friend’ and I’d rather she didn’t. There are lots of minor squabbles and ‘you’re not my best friend anymore’ types of conversations, although I suspect that’s down to their respective personalities rather than anything else.
In fact at parents evening I spoke to her teacher about her encouraging other friendships for them both, which she readily agreed with as she said there was a dynamic to their friendship which wasn’t always happy.

GrumpyHoonMain · 22/11/2019 21:01

I would start inviting kids on play dates. The lack of play dates and her popularity / her social skills are two seperate issues. The play dates are up to you as a parent to arrange

theEnglishInPatient · 22/11/2019 21:10

Mine have loads of "best friends" - and as long as they have a good little group, it's perfect for me.

I invite the ones whose parents I get on the best with, easy! They don't have so many play dates though, most parents work during the week and everybody is busy at weekends between sports, parties and (parents) friends.

PinotAndPlaydough · 22/11/2019 21:14

I’ve seen both sides of the best friend coin, my eldest dd made a very intense friendship very early on in reception. She’s now in year 3, they have mixed up all the classes and her best friend is making other friends and my daughter is really struggling with it.
I’ve spoken at length about how important it is that they both branch out and make other friends and that it’s a good and healthy thing but she’s jealous and struggling with it. She has other friends but I know in her ideal little world it would just be her and this one girl.

My youngest dd is like your son, she’s in year 1 and still doesn’t have best friend, she has a group of about 6-7 children she plays with more than others and will happily play with pretty much anyone who asks.

She’s happier at school that dd1 and her happiness doesn’t depend on one person. I was always terrified of my eldest falling out with her best friend because even the smallest issue would send her into days of upset and turmoil.

What your son has is preferable in my opinion.

happycamper11 · 22/11/2019 21:24

DD1 has had a few best friends and they've been reliant on each other. Every one of those friends has ended up leaving the school and both friends have subsequently struggled. Now age nearly 10 I believe she spends her break and lunch times looking after the infants instead of playing with peers. Dd2 has no specific friends, she's just friends with all and it seems so much easier

Justajot · 23/11/2019 00:07

I think you're right about trying not to compare. I have it the other way round. DD1 has lots of good friends and that has become normal to me. I was pretty alarmed by DD2's best friendship. At school she and her best friend are inseparable. At a recent party it was like there were no other children there. I will encourage other friendships, but I think I have reacted more strongly because it is so different to DD1 and her friends.

I think it's easy to think you understand children or have cracked parenting, only for your second child to make you realise that you understand your DC1 and you've cracked parenting DC1.

Original poster

dontcallmeduck · 23/11/2019 08:47

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there @Justajot. DS1 has had such a positive experience, he has his best friend then a wider group of friends so I just thought that was how it was meant to be. He got invited lots to his best friends house and some of the wider group also which we have reciprocated.

DS2 has a much wider group, as in he says there’s only 2 of the 30 in his class he isn’t friends with and I see him playing with them and them calling to him so I know it’s true but it just feels different. It doesn’t help that I haven’t made friends with his class parents, they’re very very different and not very chatty so I’ve just given up trying to be friendly in the playground with them which means I don’t feel that comfortable organising play dates. I know it’s not just me finding this though as some other have commented on what a weird group of parents that class has.

OP posts:

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread