Daughters friend lying

[bgegmum]

Long story short. Me and my friends daughters have been best friends since nursery and are now at the same school.
They are in P2. They argue all the time but this time it's getting a bit much.
I had a message explaining my daughter had said to her friend that she wasn't allowed to play because she doesn't have a dad and my daughter only plays with kids who have dads.
I have spoken to my one before about talking about things like this as it has been brought up in their conversations/arguments before.
My daughter is 100% adamant that was not said and has admitted she said her friend couldn't play but because she "bully's" my daughter (pushes her, takes her art work off here etc.) she got really upset and I believe she didn't say that, I can't tell when she's lying.
The problem is my friends daughter will not even tell the truth once she has lied. Ever. I've seen the extremity of how far she will go to protect herself and she will not give up.
I would like them to sit and talk through whatever is going on (it's been going on for about 6 months now) but feel I'd be wasting my time as her friend won't admit being in the wrong.
What should I do? Should I tell my daughter to stay away from her? How am I going to manage that when I'm visiting my friend? Shall we try get them to talk it out?

I agree sitting them both down to talk would be a good idea. But if you're just going to brush off your daughters past form for truly disgusting, bullying comments in favour of accusing her friend of bullying because she's retaliating in a manner that is normal for that age, it's probably a waste of time.

I'd also question where such a young child got the idea it was something to be used as an insult.

Stop saying BEST friends they clearly aren’t it adds pressure to their relationship in front of others.

See your friend away from the girls and let them sort it out for themselves

Don’t say keep away, say she can play with anyone she likes. Tell her she can’t say mean things, she must say ‘I’m busy the X today’

She doesn’t have to be her friend but she but she does have to be kind

How old is P2? And who sent you the message?

Depending on how old they are I’d say you’re probably better leaving them to work it out for themselves. It may be that the friendship has run its course.

It is just as, if not more likely that your daughter has been lying. That is a very mean thing to say and your daughter from what you wrote has form for saying things like that. I think you might have to take your blinkers off and focus on the behaviour of your own child.

I think they thrive on the drama of it all tbh. I woukd leave it all well alone

Has your dd said things about friends dad in the past?

6 year old girls are brutal. They all lie and say awful things to each other ‘.

Yeah I'd not be so sure your kid didn't say that to be honest. The whole I can tell when they are lying is nonsense. They become very adept when they know they've done something really wrong and will swear blind they didn't.

I think I'd not focus on the incident because you will never know the truth but try to encourage them to either play nicely or stay apart.

Agree to stop saying they're 'best friends' - it adds drama and intensity when it's not needed. I actually banned my kids from using that term as it always ends badly or at least confines children at a time they often don't have the skills to diplomatically disengage a bit.
I have spoken to my one before about talking about things like this as it has been brought up in their conversations/arguments before well in a way it doesn't necessarily matter if it happened this time or not - it's such a nasty thing to say! I'd sit down with them both if possible and have a talk about being kind. I wouldn't try to find out if this is true this time or who is telling the truth - just talk to them about being kind and make sure they both feel free to talk to or play with other children. Your friendship with the mother needs to be a whole different thing, don't drag it into this, just release the children to not having to be 'best friends' anymore and explain to them about being kind.

If your daughter has made nasty comments in the past about her friend not having a dad then your daughter doesn’t really know what it means to be a friend and will probably end up with no friends at all. I feel for the other girl, she’s probably still hurting from what her so-called friend said to her previously. You could sit them down to talk, but you will have to accept you might discover some unpleasant truths.

Oof. Where did your dd get the idea that it's not OK to play with kids who don't have dads? That's a very hurtful thing to say to her friend, and it sounds like you're underplaying that.

Sounds like the girls would both benefit from making new friends and spending less time together.

I'd impress on your dd how important it is to tell the truth and to be kind, and encourage other friendships. Maybe see your friend without the kids for a while.

I think it’s time this friendship came to an end. The other girl’s mother doesn’t seem willing to acknowledge that both can be wrong.

Kids grow out of each other in terms of friendship. My son had a best pal at 6, and I imagined they would stay in touch into adulthood. By 8, the friendship had turned sour with his friend saying some really, really awful stuff. I told my boy to look for other friends, and he did. The boy he was friends with also moved on, but I hear he is causing all sorts of drama with other kids nowadays and they have also dropped him. So, why not encourage your child to recognise toxic friendships and avoid.

Your friends' kids aren't exactly your kids' friends.

Your friends' kids aren't exactly your kids' friends.

Absolutely. 2 friends of mine (each other’s best friend) had girls within a very short time of each other. Mums had their DD’s being little versions of themselves. The girls LOATHED each other from they were about 4. Mums kept trying to push and push them until one clawed the others face and left scars.

The whole idea of the dad thing started in nursery where my daughter was just curious "who's your dad, where is he?" Etc etc. Her mum has recently got a new boyfriend to which my daughter referred her to her dad and started asking questions again when friends daughter said it wasn't her dad. When I was first approached by my friend about it I went on to explain to my daughter that first of all it's non of her business and second of all it's rude to ask people these types of questions. I am under no impression that my daughter is completely innocent as I know kids can be cruel and especially at this age probably not even realised the seriousness of their words.
My daughter said she doesn't want to play with her at school but enjoys spending time with her outside of school due to the mean things that have been going back and forth.
My daughter says all the time that she's a bully and lies and steals and I quite believe they both retaliate to each other.
We can't spend much time alone without the kids due to both us never having babysitters etc.
My friend asked (previously to this specific incident) to take my daughter for dinner next week and she will have a word with both them. Shall I go and join in on this talk or shall I just leave it to her? Obviously mums are protective of their own kids so I don't want it to end up in my daughter getting a hard time when I know it's both of them.

They're 6. Friendships come and go at this age.

I'd honestly give them distance to sort it out or not. If the adults stay out of it it might take longer but at least they're not being pushed into a friendship that's not on their own terms.

I'd tell them to play apart for a while.
Get a few books about different families so it's not a big deal.
I would go for a meal, but I'd stay and make the ch play within earshot as they keep being mean to each other.

I wouldn't let her mum talk to the children alone.