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Unsure what to do advice please

8 replies

GG2017 · 21/11/2019 18:00

Ok so I’m not sure how to start this but, please read if you can offer advice

Me and my partner have been seeing each other for over a year now..
I already have a DD she is just over 2 and he took her in from 7 and half months... I fell pregnant and gave birth to my beautiful DS he is now 9 weeks old.

So I’ve suffered with depression for many years and after my daughter I ended up with postnatal depression also i finally got it all under control and enjoyed my life...

after having my son I was doing well keeping everything under control.. but last 2 weeks I’ve struggled really bad and things have built up...

I ended up loosing my temper with my partner and said some hurtful stuff that I wish I could take back.
I’ve apologised for this and tried everything to put it right...
but he still seems very distant with me and he works a lot but he’s not been coming home till early hours in the morning...

I was cheated on in my last relationship and I was worried it was happening in this one. When I asked him if he was his reply was I’m not playing into it... when I asked for the reassurance he wasn’t he said he wasn’t answering the question.... ( it now has me thinking something is going on) he’s also been really careful with his phone... he says I need to find enjoyment in my life again which I agree with... but then he wants me to act normal with him while he decides if he still wants me!! ( it’s driving me crazy) I tell him I love him and he either says it back or he ignores me... if he does say it back it appears forced... am I being unreasonable or should I be concerned...

OP posts:

roundaround · 21/11/2019 18:12

Have you spoken to a GP/HV about your postnatal depression?

Completely understand that mental health can cause a change in personality/you to act in a way you never would before. Does your DP understand that?

He needs to be supporting you, especially while you have a young baby, reassuring you etc. He needs to step up in that respect but you cannot expect him to simply forgive and forget if you're not trying to get help for yourself.

Focus on your new baby, enjoy time with him. Relationships go through a tough stage after a baby, hopefully you can get through it and there is no cheating etc going on.

The fact you have been cheated on before combined with your mental health could mean you're overthinking things/pushing him away. Could you try have a sit down with him and discuss things in depth? Explain how you're feeling?


B00kworm86 · 21/11/2019 18:17

PND completely changes your personality and your perception of things, people and everything. It's very debilitating. Please see your GP or HV.


GG2017 · 21/11/2019 19:01

I was prescribed anti depressants and been on them for few years.. when I was diagnosed with PND I was in a bad place with it and they increased the dose...

but during my pregnancy I was advised to stop taking them as they didn’t know the effect it would have on my DS....
even though I managed to keep it under control I still struggled...

I started taking them again but my DP wasn’t happy as he doesn’t think I need them when I coped without them during the pregnancy....

I’ve tried to speak with him and he just says he doesn’t understand why I struggle when I’m at home, ( he thinks having a toddler and a newborn should give me enough company) I explain that it’s not the same as having an adult to talk to... ( some days drive me crazy)

I’m finding it difficult to be normal with him like he ask for.. when I don’t know if he wants to be in the relationship or not...

I know he’s finds it difficult as he feels like he’s letting the children down as he can’t always be here due to work...

But when we do try and talk things he also brings up a women he works with and how she off loads her problems onto him and it just comes across as he’s more bothered about her than he is with me...

He always said at the start of our relationship if he didn’t want me he would say and I hope he keeps to that..

I do overthink and I always think of the worse scenario but thinking of the positive!!

OP posts:

DisplayPurposesOnly · 21/11/2019 19:09

I started taking them again but my DP wasn’t happy as he doesn’t think I need them when I coped without them during the pregnancy

It's not up to him though, is it? He should want what's best for you. Please see your GP and have a conversation with them.


roundaround · 21/11/2019 19:11

Well done for getting the help you need, I know it can be difficult especially if you are surrounded by people who are not supportive.

Being home alone all day looking after children is very hard. It must be frustrating that your DP doesn't understand this. Could you leave him alone with them for a few hours so he can appreciate how difficult it actually is?

During the day, are there any local mom and baby groups you could go to? Do you have any mom friends to go out with?

You don't have to be normal with him and he shouldn't expect it when he's not being very supportive or affectionate towards you. You don't want to give your time and energy to someone who you don't even know wants you back.

Have you told him that when he talks about these other women and their problems, it feels as though he cares more about them, than he does you?

Have you told him you can't continue not knowing where you stand? That you need stability not to be walking on eggshells wondering if he's going to leave you.


1Morewineplease · 21/11/2019 19:13

Please speak to your GP. I think that you might be overthinking things.
You say that when you try to talk, your partner brings up a female colleague who off loads onto him. Could it be his way of saying that he’s getting it in the neck at work and is now getting it in the neck at home?
Maybe he’s finding parenting a bit hard too? He’s missing out by being at work.
You really need to talk to your GP about your fears and insecurities.
I’m sending you 💐


CSIblonde · 21/11/2019 19:18

If he is so uninformed (or just clueless) that he can't understand depression doesn't just get 'cured' & can resurface at times of stress, like a new baby & being a SAHM can be lonely, is he going to be a supportive partner going forward? Probably not. I'd get back on anti d's: your health issue, your choice, not his. Then when you're feeling better & can be more objective, seriously re evaluate whether he's the right choice for you.


GG2017 · 21/11/2019 22:16

Thank you all...
I have spoken many times about how I feel when he mentions this other co worker and he does say he feels sometimes he has no choice she just puts it on him...
we both work in mental health so it’s challenging on a daily basis...

Are financial side isn’t brilliant at the minute either.. so it’s hard for us both...

But he use to be really supportive towards me and reassured me if I needed it...

I have left him with both children and he’s brilliant but he’s also never had to deal with children before he’s still only young he’s only 25 so maybe at times he struggles because he’s never had to be responsible...

He does say home life should be his safe place but he feels like it’s not because of the way I’ve been... (which I fully admit last couple weeks even I wouldn’t want to be around me)

I do know he finds it hard he rather be at home with us than having to work over 12 hours a day 6 days a week... but I’ve tried explaining I have to deal with a newborn and a toddler along with walking our 1yr old dog then cook and clean etc... but he seems to shrug it off as if it’s nothing...

I said I don’t like the feeling of being on eggshells and he told me to act normal with him! I then asked how I was supposed to do that when he doesn’t know what he wants!
But then he says he hasn’t got space to think what he wants! ( it’s very confusing)

But then yesterday I asked where he was at with us and he said it’ll be fine... but still comes across as cold to me...

But thank you all for your support Smile

OP posts:
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