Am I being too sensitive?

[CobaltRose96]

Hi all.

I have an eight month old DD who my parents look after three days a week whilst I go to uni. I didn’t ask them and I would never EXPECT it from them, but they readily offered and are happy to look after her. I pay them. I started uni in September so we’ve had this arrangement for around two months now. So far there had been no issues and DD loves being with granny and grandad, and they dote on her.

Yesterday I was sat chatting with my dad and he mentioned in passing that he put pillows in DD’s travel cot when she went down for a nap at his. I told him that I didn’t like that and would rather he didn’t use them as they are now known to be unsafe/a SIDS risk in under a year old. He laughed and said that he used them when I was a baby yadda yadda but agreed to stop using them.

I though that was the end of it. DD is at her grandparent’s again today, and I texted my mum and dad (we have a family chat on WhatsApp) as I often do to ask how DD is. My dad said she was fine and posted a cute picture of DD wearing a hat. My mum then texted to say ‘I hope that’s not a pillow!’ with a laughing face and then followed it up with ‘I hope it is not restricting her airway…’ with a shocked face. My dad replied with ‘Yes, it’s a wearable pillow!’ with a laughing face.

Now, I appreciate that this was all in jest, but I cannot help but feel really annoyed! It seems like they are mocking my concern about the pillows ect and making my concern about my child’s safety into a joke. I haven’t replied to the texts as I don’t want to cause an argument.

This isn’t the first time they’ve done this. A few months ago when they were looking after her for a couple of hours they asked if they could give her some food. I said no as she was a little young (she was four months at the time) and I’d rather they waited until she was six months old. They said okay and didn’t give her any food, but they then made a series of jokes about giving her food ect.

I’ll be the first to admit that I can be a little sensitive/overreact to benign things. I am working on it. That’s why I’m turning to you, Mumsnet. Am I being too sensitive in getting annoyed at their jokes? Would you say something to them or just leave it?

Thank you

I wouldn’t say anything but yes, I think they are mocking you and whilst doing what you ask they probably think you are being overprotective and still treating you like a child rather than a mother.

Cobalt - I think you are being a little sensitive. It would be nice if they didn't make the jokes, but the most important thing is that they have actually done what you asked and ARE respecting your wishes. Unlike SOOOOO many threads on here where the GPs do as they wish. So I think that I would swallow a little ribbing. That's what they probably see it as.

Maybe have a chat that things are NHS advised now and it's not you being picky? (which you aren't imo!), the old we did that and you are fine is bloody irritating - maybe they are a bit embarrassed they aren't as top notch at the task at hand?!

You started the joke with the

'I hope that's not a pillow 😂'

You were clearly having a joke about it and they joked back.

I think you are being sensitive. You told them you didnt like the pillows and they removed it.

Thank you all. I do often get the impression from them that they still see me as a child (which I’m not! I’m in my mid 20s) and often tell me I worry too much in regard to DD. I AM quite an anxious person and will be the first to admit it. I do usually get on well with my parents but they do rib me quite often about my parenting and it’s starting to get a little irritating, frankly!

@MsRomanoff, read it again. My mum posted that joke, not me. I asked how DD was.

I think you are being a little sensitive OP.

@ MsRomanoff
I believe the OP said that her mum texted “ I hope that’s not a pillow.” ( unless I’ve misunderstood)

If you’re certain that it’s just a shit joke and that they’ve removed the pillow from the travel cot then I’d say nothing. It’s tough sometimes with the older generation as things that were standard then are known to be dangerous now and for them to hear that, it’s almost as if you’re saying that they (unknowingly of course) endangered their children. The jokes sound to me like they are being defensive, also if all the babies they knew back then (including you!) are just fine then they’re probably somewhat sceptical of new research too. I think most people have had similar conversations with their parents about stuff like early weaning or cot bumpers.

I’d tell them what they should do with the baby and as long as they follow your instructions then I’d ignore any jokes. If they do a good job of looking after your DD then it’s not worth the argument.

@MsRomanoff it was op's mum who made that 'joke'.

OP- I'm sure your parents are fine as you sound like you have a good relationship with them. HOWEVER..!!! If this was my parents I'd be mighty annoyed as they have a very passive aggressive habit of making digs like that. If I were in your shoes (and I mean me with my own personal experiences and outlook) I'd feel that they were treating me as a child and that they didn't have the respect to step back an accept that I might know best.

OP did not make the initial pillow joke, her DM did!

They are clearly joking with each other and you about your concerns, and finding them rather silly. They are perfectly sensible. There seems to be a tendency to think they know better, having raised you, which is understandable but direspectful.

They are complying with your requests but eye rolling a bit. This may become more of an issue when your DC is old enough to understand any disparaging comments she hears them make about you, but hopefully by that time your DP s will have recognised and respected your parental status.

OP, you know you are a bit sensitive which is great.

Your parents are annoying though, so it's not just you.

Some people just have to have a pop when they don't agree with something.

She is your DD and you are trying to do your best.

Perhaps talk to them and let them know that you really appreciate them.

However, their ribbing you is upsetting you and causing you stress that you don't need.

This is your DD and you are trying to do your best for her.

Hopefully they will understand what you are saying and take it on board.

For future reference, don't respond in any way to them ribbing you.

Be utterly silent and let it hang out there.

Hopefully they will get the message.
💐

My DC are late 20s and we certainly knew not to use pillows for babies in the late 80s and early 90s! What were your parents thinking?

Thank you all. I appreciate all views and insights. Don’t get me wrong, I normally get on very well with them and always have, and it’s clear they adore DD. But I agree with others that they seem to think they know better than I, which I can understand but I still find a little annoying.

Not funny and it would annoy me.
Very good though that they are respecting your wishes so take that as a positive.
And maybe next time face to face why not shit sandwich it a bit and say how grateful you are for all they are doing and then say that the jokes upset you a bit.

I don’t think YABU. They are poking fun at you and minimising your valid concerns trying to make you feel silly about them. It annoys me as well how some people of older generations poke fun/ seem intent on showing disregard or try and dissuade those following new (although not that new by now) guidelines. The guidelines are based on pretty good research and I don’t know why some people think they are superior to science yes you were fine as a baby yadayada, but a significant amount of other babies weren’t - they died. Ask your parents if that’s really something to joke about.

I dont think you're being over sensitive really. They are taking the piss about your parenting. If you reminded them about a pillow every day then it could become a kind of catchphrase and maybe funny. But you asked once and because it's a reasonable request and they know they would sound like twats saying 'you're being so precious following current guidelines!' they are trying to wind you up over it.

I'd just ignore it though as if you say anything you will bet the 'we were only joking' response.

In the future I'd send them a link over stuff like that as well, it's harder to argue with stats showing that babies die when put to bed the wrong way

I think you're being a bit over-sensitive. Families poke fun at each other, surely? Also, I do feel slightly sorry for grandparents when they're suddenly told that all the things they did for their own children are now considered beyond the pale. I know advice changes and you're right to be clear about what you will and won't allow, but I'm sure if I was my mum's age and I'd brought up kids safely and happily and someone then turned round and told me that I'd done it all wrong, I might make jokes about it too.

@newnameforthis76, I never said she’d done it all wrong!

Sounds like they think you’re ott where your DD is concerned. I think it’s unfair of them to make a joke about your concerns tbh. DD is your baby and what you’ve requested isn’t ridiculous.

*he’d

I don’t think you’re being over sensitive.
I think they’re being unkind.

It’s interesting that you say you’re the first yo admit you can over react to benign thing. Armchair psychologist: would that be because you’ve had an entire childhood of your parents picking away at you, and telling you not to be sensitive?

I do think that families can piss take and laugh together quite happily. It’s not clear from the examples whether this is that - though I don’t personally find the safety issue a joking matter.

I probably wouldn’t say anything - just let the “joke” fall on death ears.

I’d be a bit careful at labelling myself as over sensitive generally.

One good (But not infallible!) test of good intent is how well people who make jokes react when they’re on the receiving end..

@MsRomanoff, read the OP again... You 'misread'/'misunderstood' another post earlier - do you have comprehension problems?

OP I don't think you are being sensitive; you are following guidelines and feel mocked for your choices, that's not very nice of your parents really, is it? 🤨

I'm pretty thick skinned, and I'd think I'd feel a little hurt if my parents did similar. In all fairness though, it may be a defensive reaction to what they see as your criticism of their care of your little one.
I remember my mum telling me about the first time she looked after my son as a baby - she told me it was far more terrifying than caring for any of her own, and the weight of responsibility was far heavier - she didn't sleep a wink the first night she and my dad looked after him.
I suspect if you are a diligent parent, you will have learned it from your parents, and their unkindness is just a reaction to huge pressure they feel to get it right with their grandchild. Their unkindness is probably not deliberate and I suspect they would be horrified if they knew they had hurt you. Maybe try to find some humour together in the scary, baffling new situations you all find yourself in?

Older people just don't get it because it was so relaxed not long ago. But we like to listen to the new advice because why wouldn't you. It's annoying they are so ignorant so I would pull them up on it. Your kid, you rules