AIBU telling school mum her son bullied mine?

[katherinegrey]

If anyone can help I’d be grateful, I’ve not slept for worry all night 😢 it’s about school mums so bear with me! Sorry it’s long!!
DS1 (6) has been friends with a boy since nursery. As a result I’m friendly with his mum. We’ve done play dates, sleepovers, meals out, she’s even my hairdresser.
On Saturday it was her sisters birthday and she asked if I’d have her son overnight which was fine.
Sunday morning DH asked the boys to all tidy up and he’d take them to the park for a game of football as a reward.
He went to check on them and witnessed DS2 (4) picking the toys up and the two lads sitting on the bed watching him. DS2 said to the boys to help tidy when this boy called DS2 over and said he had a secret to whisper in his ear. My trusting baby got up and went straight over, at which point this boy shines the desk lamp directly in his eye and head butts him and DS1 kicked him. DH told both boys off and we were really upset that DS1 would do this to his little brother. He’s now responsible for doing all the tidying for both them for a week, lost his kindle and ps3 and banned from play dates for the foreseeable. We simply said to the other boy we’d have to tell his parents.
When I dropped him off his mum was on the phone, she asked if he’d behaved and I said generally he had however we’d had an incident with him and DS1 bullying DS2. I told her I was mainly holding DS1 responsible as it was his brother but I had to tell her as I’d definitely want to know if DS1 did this to her younger son. As she was on the phone she basically said I’ll talk to him and shut the door on me.
I expected her to call me/message/approach me to ask for the full details but nothing. Then yesterday she messaged saying she doesn’t believe her son would ‘bully’ mine and she was going to separate him from the situation as much as she could.
I messaged back explaining the full incident and explaining they generally play well and even if it’s rough play it’s not bullying but this incident crosses the line with 2 bigger boys luring over a smaller to hurt him and explained we’ve come down hard on DS1. I also said I’ve no desire to treat this as more than 6 year olds learning to appropriately act with each other but if she wants to separate her son, this is her choice.
No reply. Completely ignores me. Then messages on a group message for a Christmas meal for the mums saying her dad will collect us now. DH was due to do this. I know it’s a not so subtle way to convince me to drop out.
Am I being unreasonable? I haven’t shouted or kicked off or told her son off. I haven’t said he’s a bad kid and I’m accepting my child was just as bad, in fact I said I held him more responsible. I never usually say a word about children’s behaviour and after play dates always assure the parent their child behaved beautifully even if this perhaps isn’t true (I think we’ve all done this!) but due to the severity I felt I couldn’t not mention this particular incident. I’m dreading school pick up today. I’m so anxious.
To be honest if someone accused my child of bullying I’d immediately ask what had happened and apologise for how he’d behaved at her home. Instead, without any details of the incident, she’s declared her son wouldn’t bully mine which leaves us in an awkward position. I haven’t bought it up again and didn’t want this to be a huge deal, they’re kids! I can see now this is going to cause problems and I’m upset that it’s gone this way.

YANBU OP. Use of the word bullying was possibly a little strong, but you explained what the incident entailed so she knew what you meant.
She sounds like one of those insufferable parents who can't accept their child can do any wrong. Has she got form for that? Or for seeing perceived slights against her child when there wasn't really anything going on?
If you can face it, you can ask to speak to her as you can see that she's offended, and explain as neutrally as you can what happened and why you said what you said. Hopefully that will shame her into realising she's being an idiot. Otherwise just leave it. Go to the Xmas meal and behave as you normally would. Don't let her spoil things for you!

Her behaviour explains why children grow up with no respect. Don’t miss your night out on her behalf - she’s burying her head in the sand and could possibly live to regret it.

YANBU, it was bullying behaviour and of course you needed to tell her, any parent would want to know if their child had done this.

My only niggle would be that a 6 year old deliberately head butting a 4 year old is a bit full on isn’t it? In that age group it’s more shoving, hitting, kicking you see when they get physical - so I’d have a slight concern that maybe this child has been exposed to this kind of violence in some way, shape, or form, and this is what he’s acting out - that might explain the mother’s reticence to engage with you about it. Not much you can do with that though.

You have done the right thing. Given the consequences your DS1 has had it was clearly a serious incident so to not tell the other mum wouldn’t have been right and would have shown the friend he can do what he wants at other people’s houses. The alternative you had was not mention it at all but that wouldn’t be in the best interests of either of your boys who are your priority. Have confidence that you did the right thing.

I think you handled it perfectly.

I don’t have a problem with the word bullying. Blinding a four year old with a light before head butting him is absolutely disgraceful.

You were right to tell her about the incident. Don't feel bad about it.... She's probably feeling very defensive now. It's much easier for her to get annoyed with you than deal with the behaviour of her son. And if he's done this once and gotten away it (from his own parents) then it's entirely possible he'll do it again - no more sleepovers or playdates. They'll see each other in school and that's enough.

I know it's hard...my husbands nephew did something awful last year and his parents refuse to address it - instead they 'shoot the messenger'. But they are making a rod for their own backs.

One word of warning - don't say anything to the other Mums... don't turn it into something worse than it already is. Go to the Christmas party and if it gets mentioned at all say that you'd like to talk about it but that isn't the time or place.

He’s now responsible for doing all the tidying for both them for a week, lost his kindle and ps3 and banned from play dates for the foreseeable.

YANBU about the other Mum, she sounds precious but your punishment is WAY overboard.

Your older son is only 6...an age when they still act suddenly and without always thinking. Especially when under peer pressure.

I understand you feel protective over your younger son...he's only 4...but your older son is only 6. When you have two, it's easy to think the elder is more capable and more grown up than they really are.

The tidying for them both would have been enough.

You might cause resentment towards your youngest if you're not careful.

When a child lures a child over under false pretences and headbutts him i wouldnt be given 2 shits what the mother thinks and if she isnt willing to accept her son done wrong your better off without her company. I think you have dealt with it in totally the right way. Of course all children can play up and have "incidents" but this seems a particularly cruel and preplanned thing to do. Let her jog on...if shes bot willing to address these "incedents" it will happen again with perhaps a less understanding parent!

Thank you all for your input. I’m shocked because I wouldn’t have thought she’d behave this way. I’ve never thought of her as being the kind that can’t see any wrong in her children, but perhaps because nothing serious has ever happened before? I know I was in disbelief that my son would do this, we’ve always done our best to instil kindness and thinking of others in our boys. If my husband hadn’t actually witnessed it it’d be easy for me to want to disbelieve it I suppose. I would have hoped given she trusted me to have her son overnight she’d know me well enough to know I wouldn’t have said anything at all unless it was serious and necessary.

Thank you for your thoughts on this. It’s difficult to get the line of ‘this is really serious and we need to ensure nothing like this happens again’ and harshness. I have to say I did feel the punishment was appropriate. As he was making him tidy up after him and his friend I felt this was fair he now tidies their rooms. He’s lost his screens for a week (well, 5 days, a school week) and to be honest we have noticed a huge improvement in his general behaviour. Now he’s not behind a screen at all (he never used them excessively but would if we allowed it) he’s really bonding with his brother again. They’re building tracks and playing games which is nice to see. I’m proud of how my older son is behaving right now, he’s taking his punishment with no moaning or complaining. It’s really the first time we’ve had to implement a proper punishment. Usually he goes to bed to calm down, or loses his kindle for an evening so perhaps I’m being harsh, I definitely don’t want to cause resentment.

It is so difficult.

Oh your poor ds2! That’s so sad.

You did the right thing to punish ds1 and to tell the boys Mum. How awful.

Well done your ds1 for reacting like this!

Let her get on with it, if she can’t accept two older boys treating a younger child this way is completely unacceptable, then maybe you should consider removing your children from the situation. A one in which a parent isn’t prepared to discipline a child for quite cruel behaviour.
Yes they are children but as a parent it’s up to us to help them to learn why this Kind of behaviour isn’t acceptable. Or they will turn into bullies.
Also, Ignore her attempts to isolate you from the meal out!
Let her get her dad to collect everyone and you simply respond how kind of her to arrange this but as you dh was already prepared to pick you up, he will still collect you.

Just the way she has gone on in the group chat makes you wonder where her son gets it from doesn’t it....

IME it us always better to keep the younger sibling apart from the older one with a friend. 3 is always a bad number and when you throw age difference and sibling rivalry into the mix, it can be a recipe for disaster. I am pleased that you have not overlooked the possibility that ds1 egged him on and was in a position of power over him being that he was the host

To be fair though, all this boy did was shine a light in your sons eyes. Unpleasant, yes, but I wouldn't classify it as a one off as bullying.

The major isssue here is your other son, using the opportunity to kick him

If I'm honest I'd not as worded it as harshly as you did. Accusing the boy of bullying him is always going to get a reaction. And uou accused this boy of being a bully because he shined a light in your younger sons eyes. Mean yes, bullying, not as a one off no.

Sorry I'd also add, if you'd simoly said what occurred, he called my son over and shined a light in his eyes, instead of using emotive words like bullying, it would not have had the same reaction.

If you wished to tell her, it's fine, but you should have stuck to the simple facts of what occurred.

I think you did the right thing, I'd want to know if any of mine did this. There should have been a conversation between you both, which she wasn't willing to have. Can you approach her with a chat to have some kind of a resolve? If not, leave her to it. Not worth having a friendship if you can't talk things through.

Sorry but this isn’t right, he put a light in his eyes then head butted him. I feel it was a little more severe than merely unpleasant.

Sorry op, I misread, and you are right, I missed that he head butted him.

Perhaps she knows exactly where he has picked up the 'head butting'

I think you handled the incident really well, OP. And you were definitely right to tell the boy's mum about it. I would certainly want to know if one of my DDs had behaved like that.

Her response was ridiculous, but sadly not all that unusual.

You're not being harsh. My eldest is now 16 and a few weeks ago actually said to me that he was pleased that we expected decent behaviour from him when he was small, because he couldn't believe what his classmates did and thought they could get away with now!

6 years old, or even 4 years old, is old enough to understand that you will not tolerate unkindness or picking on another child.

It's about setting standards to acceptable behaviour when they are small, instead of making excuses for bad behaviour.

(I could write a bloody book on this. I have watched my extended family making excuses for my relatives, and now their children, for decades, whilst telling me that I'm too strict. Then watching the chaos that follows, as they are constantly in trouble, getting into chaotic situations, and blaming everyone but themselves)