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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Did I do something wrong here?

26 replies

ReindeerRoad · 20/11/2019 22:06

AIBU to ask if I did something wrong or have been too needy?

Been kind of seeing someone, couple of months so not serious yet.

I felt like he was being a bit off with me. Taking hours to reply to messages, once 24 hours before I got a reply. Sometimes it was just one word answers so felt like he didn’t want to speak to me.

I asked once if he wanted space, was told no it was fine, he wanted to hear from me etc. When he’d taken ages to reply I asked what was going on, said it felt like he was ignoring me and wasn’t interested. He replied that he didn’t mean to make me feel like that, was interested was sorry if I felt like he was fucking me about.

I thought maybe it was me being needy and decided to give it another chance. So text last night just asking how he was, got one word answer, didn’t ask how I was. So I said it wasn’t working for me, I wanted to feel like I knew where I stood and was getting mixed messages from him.

He replied saying that he’d been struggling a bit with keeping in touch with other friends so it wasn’t just me he was off with. He’d been feeling a bit down and didn’t have motivation for anything.

I feel bad that I’ve been expecting more from him than he felt he could give. But I’ve asked a few times if he was ok, if he wanted space and was always told it was fine so I don’t know if I’ve done wrong or not? I text saying sorry and that if he wanted to talk about anything he could, he’s read the text but not replied so I think he’s upset with me. I feel like he’s already been feeling down and now I’ve added this to it aswell.

OP posts:

Thehop · 20/11/2019 22:07

It sounds like he’s just not that into you

It’s too soon for this much angst. Walk away.

Thehop · 20/11/2019 22:09

Also, notice how you got a lovely long reply with feelings and in a timely fashion when you said you’d had enough? To reel you back in and ignore you again?

He’s perfectly capable.

Crosscrosscrackers · 20/11/2019 22:12

A couple of months and he is like this already? You don't need the aggro! Showing he isn't really into you, he doesn't make an effort with you and makes you question yourself. Move on :-)

SeamusFinnigan · 20/11/2019 22:12

I dont think you've done anything wrong at all! You tried to communicate openly and ask him if anything was wrong and what he needed. From his response I think he's either stringing you along and just doesn't have the balls to be honest and say he's not feeling it, or he could be being honest about finding it hard to keep in touch with people (could be suffering depression maybe). BUT whatever the case, I cant see anywhere that you've handled this wrong. I would feel the same as you about 1 word answers or taking a whole day to respond, and I think you were totally right to say it's made you not feel it anymore.

SeamusFinnigan · 20/11/2019 22:13

Ooh, Thehop makes a great point actually.

messolini9 · 20/11/2019 22:13

You've done nothing wrong.

OK so b/f is 'down', demotivated, & can't be arsed to communicate with you, despite giving you mixed messages about wanting to. Aren't the first few weeks of a new relationship meant to make people feel happy & energised? It's not boding well that your b/f isn't making an effort or showing his happiness right now.

Maybe he's just not the guy for you.
He sounds like very hard work.
What were you getting out of the relationship, apart from the feeling that you are the one who has to make all the running?

Longfacenow · 20/11/2019 22:14

He's not that fussed about you OR he is hard work.

Walk away I think.

LadyMinerva · 20/11/2019 22:14

If you keep chasing him now you will be chasing him for your entire relationship, no matter how long that lasts.

Don't necessarily end it but don't put all your eggs in the one basket. Let him text you. While you are waiting for that to happen, go out with other people. See what else is out in the world.

Life is too short to put yourself in the situation of being unhappy.

Divebar · 20/11/2019 22:14

I’m sorry but you’re trying to will him into being interested and it doesn’t sound like he is. Have you ever waited 24 hours to reply to a text to someone you fancy or like a lot? I would stop texting him now and see how long it takes to get in touch with you. Make some arrangements to go out with friends so you’re not looking at your phone all the time. If he contacts you be friendly but don’t drop all your plans or suggest you meet up... let him make some suggestions for meet ups. If he doesn’t contact you then you have your answer.

Divebar · 20/11/2019 22:16

LadyMinerva and I are clearly on the same page.

Warpdrive · 20/11/2019 22:17

Youre never going to get anywhere unless you ask him face to face.

It could be that he is losing interesthas found someone else, or is struggling with depression.

You need to be with him when you ask him.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/11/2019 22:19

Please step back and see this for what it is. He's not into you and for that you should be glad. He is not a considerate person. Block and move on. You can do so much better.

BetweenTheMoon · 20/11/2019 22:20

Would you do this to someone you really liked? If the answer is no, you wouldn't, you also have your answer.

Fink · 20/11/2019 22:37

Either he's not that into you or he is genuinely depressed.

Either way, I'd get out while you can. I say this as someone who's been married to someone with serious depression and if I'd known what I was letting myself in for, I never would have gone through with it. It's a hard, lonely road and it never ends.

I'm not suggesting people with MH problems should be shunned. But I would think very very carefully before entering a serious relationship with someone who has one.

spacepyramid · 20/11/2019 22:40

I think it's a combination of you being a bit needy and him being a unable to commit to a relationship. Now isn't the time for you both to be together so I'd walk away.

jelly79 · 20/11/2019 22:42

Your feeling confused, anxious and on edge. Sounds like you are treading on egg shells and he is doing nothing to put your mind at ease.

You deserve more than this x

jelly79 · 20/11/2019 22:43

*you're 🙄

Legoandloldolls · 20/11/2019 22:49

Your not being needy at all. A relationship is based on a connection via communication. To need that is a basic.

At best I would ask him to let you know when he is next ready to meet up. Put the ball in his court and dont contact him again. Let him reply to you. Give it a mental deadline in your head and if he doesn't reply by then, delete him.

Maybe he is depressed but if so he shouldn't be dating if it's so bad he cant interact normally. He would forever be making you doubt yourself. Personally I wouldn't be giving him a chance, but the batting it back in his court and setting a bottom line with how much more your willing to wait is a compromise.

I'm sorry hes making you feel like this, in sure you are worth much better

TheMidasTouch · 20/11/2019 22:51

Wrong time for him to be starting a relationship if he's depressed. I'd tell him, gently, that he needs to sort his health issues out before thinking of relationships and wish him all the best.

Elieza · 20/11/2019 22:51

He’s just not that into you.

Time to walk away.

Sorry OP

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 20/11/2019 23:07

Just walk away beautiful, you'll soon walk into the arms of someone who deserves you x

Ilovelala · 20/11/2019 23:08

Learn to trust your own instincts

Ilovelala · 20/11/2019 23:15

He is no good. But your instincts have been telling you that. That's why you were being 'needy' and convincing yourself it's all it was but I'm sure you know It's clear when someone likes you. I'm sorry, not the fish for you

Motoko · 21/11/2019 00:43

This is the 2nd thread I've read today from an OP who has only been seeing a bloke for about 2 months, but it's always been difficult.

Seriously, if a relationship is this hard, this early, it's not the right one.

It doesn't matter why he's like this, although I don't believe he's depressed, just using it as an excuse. I think he wants to keep you on the sidelines, in case he can't find someone else, but until then, he's not really bothered.

Just block him. He's not worth the angst. You're not needy.

HeddaGarbled · 21/11/2019 00:48

You haven’t done anything wrong and you haven’t been too needy. Don’t contact him any more.

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