To ask how you would deal with this- son regrets lyinh

[Southdownsbelle]

My lovely DS 11 has just started secondary and is trying to find his way. He’s doing well & getting lots of achievement points & no behaviour points and here’s the issue.

Apparently a lot of the kids in his class use behaviour points as a badge of honour- not doing homework etc & use the term ‘goody 2 shoes’ for kids that have no behaviour points.

So to fit in my DS said he has behaviour points when he doesn’t & is now really upset with himself because he lied- especially because he’s worried his mates will find out.

Aibu to ask how you would deal with this? On the one hand, I am proud of him for recognising that lying makes him feel uncomfortable & I know he’s just trying to fit in. But on the other hand I don’t want him to feel like he needs to lie, be anything other than himself and that having no behaviour points is actually a good thing- he’s a kid that always wants to behave well.

I have never had to deal with this sort of stuff before & finding it hard to navigate

He’s worried his mates will find out and ‘hate’ him as he put it too

In my son's school (he's also 11/Year 7) they're called conducts. The other day, on my only day off that week, I had to take his games kit into school (a 45 minute journey in traffic) so he wouldn't get his first ever conduct....he's been there since reception.

I'd tell him it's completely up to him whether he wants to lie...that in the scheme of things, it's not a bad lie, but that it could bite him on the bum in the future. Rise above the absurdity that having behaviour points is a "cool" thing...it absolutely isn't, and that if he looks around, there will be a huge majority of kids who will aim to never, ever get one...and that those are the people he should be befriending, seeing as they have the same morals as him. He should never lie when he can be himself, and himself is great!!!

I’d consider how his mates could find out? Could he pretend he thought he had them? Would ask him whether he wants to be friends with people that encourage bad behaviour - are they generally good friends? Peer pressure is powerful, isn’t it?

@orange I did just say to him that he could just say he made a mistake & he hasn’t got any - it’s made him feel so uncomfortable lying. And yes @GhostHoward I told him that he must be himself!

Peer pressure is so crazy!

He needs to be able to feel comfortable being himself, rather than doing something to fit in. So that's what I'd be looking at, building up his self esteem via clubs, team sports or groups etc.

The "goody two shoes" is name calling, and therefore bullying if it's persistent, and should be raised with the school so they can keep an eye on it.