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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad that DS is gutted he’s not been invited to party....

20 replies

Poorboy136 · 20/11/2019 19:56

So I totally appreciate that we can’t all be invited to everything and it’s the same for kids parties.... but.....

I feel quite annoyed at a particular parent and I need to vent on here.

DS is 7 and has a disability regarding school work as he has dyspraxia. So he struggles academically and socially. He’s not got many friends although he has one best friend and another one he plays with.

I got talking to one the parents last year as we were at a joint play date and she was telling me all about how she suffered with mental health in the past and now wants to support others going through the same thing.... I told her about ds and how he struggles and that was his first play date.

Well then a couple months after her little boy (Sam) had a party and invited a few friends (most of the boys and a girl) and ds was sad he wasn’t invited. I explained the best I could that he couldn’t invite everyone.

The issues is they are quite cliquey and it feels like she’s inviting the ‘popular’ kids, regardless of whether her kid plays with them. Eg one of the girls was invited last year... They don’t play together from what the girls mum told me about a separate issue but the mam is with the ‘in crowd’.

I know she doesn’t need to include my ds. If her ds doesn’t want my ds to go then that’s ok. What I find so sad is that they are given out in class in front of those that weren’t invited. My ds has been upset all day and he already feels like an outcast socially and academically and talks about the coolest boys in his class. It breaks my heart.

I think for someone that preaches about helping others etc I feel like saying, why don’t you send a text to the parents of the kids going, they’re all FB friends so could easily ask them then or at the school gate, instead of Sam handing them out like they’re to go to willy wonkas chocolate factory! The other kids feel rubbish like they aren’t popular or as well liked. That’s what my boy feels like.

The other hurtful thing to ds is that his best friends been invited and he doesn’t play with Sam very much either. So he really feels like it’s just him. There 8 boys been invited and 3 haven’t and again that’s ok but why run it in their faces.

People can be so thoughtless like. Wouldn’t care if it was me but you can’t help feeling so sad for them....

OP posts:

TheQueef · 20/11/2019 19:58

Cuts to the bone doesn't it?

Original poster

Poorboy136 · 20/11/2019 20:04

@TheQueef

It absolutely does. I feel like crying. 😭

OP posts:

Starlight456 · 20/11/2019 20:12

I had this once same age good friend . I didn’t really understand but glossed over it . It was a sports party ( my Ds is not good at at all . Party child played for a club) .

Anyway next year he was invited and different party . Other child has now left the school and my Ds is the only child he stays in touch with.

So my point been I get your hurt but try and not let it be a bigger issue .

Look at what he can do to improve his social skills . My own Ds has Adhd , we do have bro talk through how to manage so many situations . He doesn’t learn vthem like others do.

TeenPlusTwenties · 20/11/2019 20:17

As a parent of 2 DDs who also didn't get invites have some .

Invitations shouldn't be given out in class if the whole class isn't being invited, so you could have a word with the teacher about that.

PumpkinPie2016 · 20/11/2019 20:20

It feels awful when your child is left out doesn't it

My son wasn't invited to one a few weeks ago - yet I know he plays with the other child and my husband talks to the mum every morning in the school yard.

Sometimes, I feel it's because the other mums don't know me very well as I don't tend to pick up and drop off very often due to work. I know that's probably stupid but I feel so guilty sometimes.

Harpingon · 20/11/2019 20:25

feel so sorry for the little guy.

GrumpyHoonMain · 20/11/2019 20:25

The mum is probably only inviting the children based on how well she gets on with (or wants to get on with - social climbing is often a thing at certain schools) the parents. It probably has nothing at all to do with her child’s wishes. Don’t worry about it and just focus on helping your DS build friendships both within and outside the school.

HumphreyCobblers · 20/11/2019 20:27

They really should not be allowed to give out party invitations at school.

DillyDilly · 20/11/2019 20:30

Ask the teacher if there’s a policy on invitations being handed out in - it’s not allowed in a lot of schools. If there is no policy, suggest to the Principal that such a policy be considered.

LocksMyth · 20/11/2019 20:34

It hurts.
Years back my daughter watched all of her Yr 6 classmates go past our front door in a stretch limo as an end of year treat.. She wasn't included because ' she was unusual' ( she had very short hair and always wore trousers to school).
People are cruel sometimes, sadly.

JudeLawswhore · 20/11/2019 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hazeyjane · 20/11/2019 20:40

When ds was in mainstream, he was not invited to a single class party. I just do not understand how someone can invite every single child, except the 2 with additional needs, and not feel like a piece of shit.

Original poster

Poorboy136 · 20/11/2019 20:44

Thanks guys, nice to know I’m not alone in my thoughts.

That’s why I’m so frustrated as this could potentially be avoided if parent just messaged other parents. Why shove it in front of his face with big envelopes.

OP posts:

lauryloo · 20/11/2019 20:48

My little boy was excluded from a party last week and it broke my heart. Only 6 boys in his class and 2 weren't invited :(

LocksMyth · 20/11/2019 20:56

poorboy
I found that kids like ours turn out just fine ( often better) if we just bat it all aside and reinforce their lives with nicer people / experiences instead.
Their loss for being so small minded.

tictoc76 · 20/11/2019 21:04

My DS is having a party soon and only inviTINg a few - I didn’t know the mums to give them out myself so asked the teacher to do it discreetly. SHe called them up one by one to get the invite!!!

I know it’s not there job but couldn’t they have stuck them in the book bag or just said they didn’t really have time for it could my son her me find the mums.

Ps mine get excluded occasionally too because I’m not the in crowd - I just say about not being able to invite everyone and do something with them myself.

fireplacetiles · 20/11/2019 21:04

Many moons ago my DD was the only child in her class not invited, a teacher allowed a child to walk down a class lined up to go in, giving out invites to everyone but her, was totally heartbreaking to see her little face. I made a complaint to school and they made it policy that it didn't happen again, TA would put them in book bags if asked. Kids can be very cruel.

Fucket · 20/11/2019 21:05

It’s hard, but then I’ve had arguments with my 7 year old as she was adamant she wanted to invite who she wanted and not who I wanted her to invite. And at some point you have to let them decide the guest list. I’ve done whole class parties and I’ve done parties with a handful of children.

I think it’s normal that some kids won’t be invited and that some kids are more popular than others. My kids are not that popular probably B list of the classes they are in.

I try not to let it get to them. My son walks around with a scowl on all day and plays with his one BFF. Not surprisingly he only got invited to his party.

I don’t know what the answer is. Agree that no invites in class would help.

formerbabe · 20/11/2019 21:06

The mum is probably only inviting the children based on how well she gets on with (or wants to get on with - social climbing is often a thing at certain schools) the parents

Yep, this definitely happens. In my dcs class there's a clique of mums, they only invite the children of the mums they're friends with, regardless of the children's actual friendships. I'm not in the clique so my dd rarely gets invites. These women are vile. for you

Molly2010 · 20/11/2019 21:18

In our school if you invite the whole class the birthday child can hand out the invite. If it’s not, then they get quietly put into book bags.
My DD invited the whole class (my choice) because I think it’s too early in the school year to know who she will be friends with (she’s in reception).
My DD wasn’t invited to 2 children’s parties recently who she considers friends. She found out because one of the parents who attended put photos on tapestry.
I thought it was a bit inconsiderate of the mum who did that but then it was the teacher who showed the rest of the class.
Either way, I said to my child that not all children get to invite the whole class and it’s ok that she wasn’t invited. She’s a bit hurt but what can you do? I guess they are not that good friends.

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