More of a WWYD...telling someone why I don’t want to meet up

[Anotherstarchaser]

I usually see my parents once a week as they like to see 9 month old DD.

I find my mum particularly difficult but get along well with my dad. My mum has been particularly miserable lately. Usually I can deal with this (I have all my life anyway) but when I met them this week she particularly upset me. Just constant negative conversation as soon as I sat in the car, in particular she was bitching about my siblings who have special needs.

I just came home feeling really down like the life had been sucked out of me.

AIBU to not meet them this week.
Should I tell them why I don’t want to meet?

(My mother is very over sensitive, doesn’t take criticism well no matter how nice you are about it and very much sees herself as a victim)

I’d take a break from seeing them this week if that’s what you need. I don’t know whether you should tell them why. Maybe do if you think it would make a difference to their future behaviour. But it might not.

That’s the thing she won’t change so other than causing an argument I don’t think it’ll help but then 1% of me hopes it might sink in

You can try to have it out with her & explain it, but know that she'll most likely revert to her default: victim mode. So expect denial & drama. People have patterns of behaviour set in childhood, this will have been her default for years & years & unless you're self aware & can accept constructive criticism it's very hard to chenge. An alternative strategy is, when you see her & she's negative, instantly change the conversation or find something to do to divert her & don't engage with any attempt to go back to the negative stuff. She'll eventually get the hint but it will take persistence. You'll feel less fed up & more in control because you're being proactive & changing a dynamic that's toxic for you.

This situation could be read a few ways. Is she a carer for your siblings with special needs? If so, was she genuinely bitching or just having a rant because she's under stress? Does she need support?

If she isn't a carer and she was just being horrible, personally I'd just lie and say you're busy. It sounds like she wouldn't recognise what you're saying and would just give you more grief, which you may or may not want to deal with. On the other hand you might annoy her so much she doesn't want to see you got a while, so could be a win?

Hmm, tricky. If she’s having a tough time at the moment and seeing you and her granddaughter is the only good thing in her week, it does seem a bit mean. But I totally agree with you about how draining it can be to spend time with someone so, well, draining.

The easy thing to do is make an excuse and have the occasional week off. More difficult but probably more helpful long term to actually address it. Maybe take the angle that you’re worried about her rather than sick of her moaning!

How old are your siblings? Will she be caring for them for the rest of her life?
If the answer to the above is yes , she’s perhaps just worn out and wanting some help. Can you think of any way to help/provide solutions?

She’s not a cater for my siblings. When things go wrong it’s usually up to me or the more able of the siblings to sort things out. My mum does deal with their benefits but that is more of a control thing than anything else.

If she was I could totally understand where she was coming from.

Whilst she might not need to hands on care it sounds like they still are somewhat dependent on her which must be stressful. Take a break from the pattern of seeing her, either timing or do something different

can you go out? soft play/cafe/library/anywhere - basically entertain your child, at 9 months they want to see more so agood opportunity to talk about things to your daughter? (like the cars/trees etc) and change the subject a lot from your mother?

I would plan a visit more, im thinking f going x place, i willpick you up at x time?