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It Shouldn't Be This Hard, Should It?

16 replies

MitziK · 20/11/2019 17:40

Got in from work at 4.30pm. DP was on hold to the CSA. He's been cut off three times, transferred to the wrong person once (and cut off when they tried to transfer him to the right one) and Vivaldi is still polluting the atmosphere of the house.

The reason why he's calling is because he has a new job and needs the amount reassessed - to go up significantly. His XW wants it calculated and collected through them. Fine. She wants the additional money asap. Fine. But if she wants the additional money to be calculated and collected by the CSA, which she does, then DP has to speak to somebody who actually knows what they are doing - or is capable of picking up a phone and answering, rather than clearing the line immediately.

He's been doing this once a week for two months, ever since he got his first salary credit. He's been told not to pay anything more and they'll sort it out next September at the review, he's been told to pay her whatever he thinks she should have when she doesn't give him any way to pay it direct, he's been told that he'll just have a deduction from earnings order made for at least double the assessment, but that'll take months, if not years, and to worry about it when it happens.

Simultaneously, she's bombarding him with messages saying 'where's my money?'. But ignoring him when he's suggested transferring it electronically if she gives him details of whatever account she wants it to go into.

Not that it makes any difference to the fundamental obligation of paying money towards his child, but she doesn't permit any contact and doesn't actually need the money, as she has a very well paid career and a very well paid spouse. So I suppose it doesn't make any difference to her if the money doesn't get through but it gives her a reason to have a go at him once a week, I suppose.

All he wants to do is just pay the right amount of money as soon as possible.

It shouldn't be this bloody hard, should it?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


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carolinelucaseshandbag · 20/11/2019 17:49

Is there anything that can be done online?
Why won't she permit contact? Is that court ordered?


ethelfleda · 20/11/2019 18:14

Sounds like she is desperate to keep contact with him to me!


MitziK · 20/11/2019 18:16

Tried first - he's better speaking on the phone, as he can answer multiple questions that way (it's a variable hours job, on top of another casual ZHC one).

Not court ordered - she withdrew contact about six years in on the basis that it was too difficult/painful for her emotionally to let her child be away from her/the house. This coincided with him telling her that we were living together/the new address. (I met him about five years after the divorce was finalised and she was getting erratic with contact even then, with SS inexplicably having colds, flu, diarrhoea, vomiting, cubs, school trips or going to sleep early and not wanting a phone call, never mind contact, every single fortnight).

I offered to go and stay in a hotel for him to have contact without me around, for her to come round and inspect the house, to meet me/check me out in neutral territory and if she wanted I'd bring my current DBS Enhanced Certificate. She doesn't know I paid the maintenance she does get for a significant period when he was too ill to work at all, either. I don't think it would help for her to know that and would have probably made things even worse.

Anyhow, paying legal fees (been there, done that) would have meant less money to pay in maintenance. The priority bills here are housing, council tax, travel to work and CSA. Always have been.

He just wants to pay the right amount as soon as possible.

He's just got off the phone. They're sending him some forms to fill in, as they can't do it by phone, apparently, as it's too complicated.

OP posts:

carolinelucaseshandbag · 20/11/2019 19:14

"Been there, done that", what him? Or you? Ok, the ex does sound like a complete nightmare. But otoh I don't understand how your DP can be so up for doing the right thing re maintenance, but not do anything about the fact that he hadn't seen his kids for 6 years??? Confused


GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/11/2019 19:19

Why is she not allowing contact? Does he want contact? You may need to go back to court.


SmileEachDay · 20/11/2019 19:25

Is the contact court ordered?

Or is he not bothered?

Or is there another side to this?


hsegfiugseskufh · 20/11/2019 19:27

It should not be this hard but the cms are incredibly shite. Ex wives with attitude problems are also incredibly shite. You have my sympathies op!


amy85 · 20/11/2019 19:32

I don't get why he's desperate to pay for the kid but not bothered about seeing the kid


hsegfiugseskufh · 20/11/2019 19:34

Whats contact got to do with this thread at all?


Namechangeforthiscancershit · 20/11/2019 19:35

Your DP hasn't seen his child for 6 years? Did I read that right?

As someone said though, not the point of the AIBU. No, it should not be so hard. Let's see if/when these forms turn up...


TriciaH87 · 20/11/2019 19:38

I assume you mean cms now. Unless it's gone up by 25%or more they will not review until its due as figures based on last tax year. Tell her he is trying to sort it and if she carries on he will be tied up dealing with her. Good on him for actually sorting it as my ex has a tendency over the past 12 years not to report any changes. The csa used to find out only because I would check his Facebook profile which would show a change in job. (idiot would put it on there to brag forgetting we had mutual friends that would tell me they had seen it). They do have an online option if the phone isn't of much use


Monsterinmyshoe · 20/11/2019 19:39

YANBU. From past experience they are useless and when you try to get any sense out of them they just cut you off.

If possible, get the ex round to see him actually calling them, so she knows it's them being useless. If they're both on the same call that might kick them up the arse too.


Namechangeymcnamechange11 · 20/11/2019 19:44

An admirable approved he's taking. I have dealt with CSA in a work capacity, I sympathise.

Can he not make an application for contact with his kids? She can't just withhold contact for 6 years!


Inebriati · 20/11/2019 19:44

Does he know he can write to them? You should probably tell him.


MitziK · 20/11/2019 19:53

I had residence issues with my ex - cost me a fortune. Worth every penny to get things settled until 18, what with mine going out of Magistrates' and into County, but it was a lot.

DP's still paying off the debt incurred from trying to get a contact order years ago (only £1200 left now, yay) - which she, all wide eyed and innocent, got chucked out at the last minute in Court because 'I would never stop my son from seeing his father, so I don't understand why we're here in the first place'.

He's very, very bothered about seeing/not seeing 'the kid'. I'm sure he hopes that some day, if he pays enough, she'll let it happen (or at least turn a blind eye to it if SS gets in touch as he gets older). I always thought privately that this was a bad idea and I would have paid for it to go back to court at any time, but it wasn't my call - he was always saying that it would make her more angry if she thought he had tried to tell her what to do. The last time he annoyed her by bumping into them in the street, she told him that she would move to her parents' place overseas if he ever spoke to her in public again.

I have a feeling that his DS would probably be on the receiving end of it as well if he did want to get in contact (if he even does after years of being just with her and told that his Dad doesn't care) as she'd take it as rejection/betrayal.

Sigh. Doesn't matter what he seems to do, it's never enough and is never right where she's concerned.

I can see why he left her.

OP posts:

MitziK · 20/11/2019 23:08

Yup. He's hoping that the increase will result in her letting him have some sort of contact.

I'm staying quiet because I want to be wrong.

OP posts:
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