To ask for your opinion on parents of multiples?

[NaviSprite]

I have been often accused as being a deliberate martyr since I had my DC, twins, boy and girl.

This has been the consensus of my old friends who had children earlier than I did and who are parents of NT healthy singletons.

I’m a bit perplexed where it came from as I didn’t have any opportunities to be ‘that’ mother who constantly bemoans that two is far more difficult than one or any other such cliches - I was phased out of my friendship group when my twins were born and shipped off to a hospital miles away to spend 4 months in NICU. The hospital they were taken to were very kind and offered me one of their transitional care rooms as a place to stay indefinitely whilst DD and DS were staying there.

Because of this I didn’t do what my then friends considered the norm, I didn’t invite them to ‘come and meet the babies’. I was constantly having to turn down invitations to meet up for a coffee because I was away from the county my friends were based in. I stopped hearing from them after a while but didn’t think much of it at the time because my headspace was completely overtaken by the NICU experience and the daily worry that I would get a knock on the door to my room, to tell me that one, or both hadn’t made it through the night.

Thankfully this never came to pass and I know how extremely lucky I am to have them both at home and they’ve just celebrated their 2 year birthday.

The people I had lost have completely removed me from and and all forms of contact until recently.

I received a message two days ago from one of the group, saying that they didn’t feel I was putting in enough effort to continue the friendship so they had decided to call it a day. But now my twins are older, we could try to reconnect if I was over being a “mummy martyr”.

I haven’t responded, but it has left me wondering, is that how parents in my position are viewed as a general experience? I am limited to where I can go or when as I am a SAHM to the twins (financial reasons rather than personal preference choice). They are quite delayed in development due to having been so premature and low weight at birth, so aren’t able to do what most of their peers are capable of, so we have to stick to more appropriate activities for them. DD was on home oxygen and CPAP equipment for the first year of her life which meant going out was only done when it was completely necessary.

I am trying to see how I may have come across as a martyr as part of me is desperate to have some of my old social circle back - I miss them. But I can’t help but feel they’re being rather harsh with me.

I’ve enabled voting (I think!) so:

YABU - Your friends were probably fed up of you not making time for them and right to carry on without you for a while, take the olive branch.

YANBU - Circumstances considered I think they were harsh and I would question the relevance of the friendship as it’s been two years since they phased you out.

Blimey you’ve really been through the mill. I can’t imagine how stressful it must have been having two poorly babies. It sounds like your friends are not very understanding. I would fully expect any friend of mine to go off the radar for a while in your situation. They should have been making extra effort to show you that you hadn’t been forgotten.

Thank you, I have to say I’ve had a bit of a shit run of luck with friends in recent years and I have been left thinking “I’m the common denominator so maybe it IS me.”

DH said that it’s because I’m so bloody prone to accepting everybody at face value and have a habit of giving the benefit of the doubt to people that may not deserve it.

I just wouldnt respond - a horrible message like that doesnt warrant any effort or headspace being put into a reply.

They dont sound like a particularly understanding group of people to be honest. You dont need people who constantly take or ask something of you.

I'm am appalled for you and your treatment by this so called friend.

I'll suggest jealousy as a source, quite deep too given their inability to look past your twins difficult early life.

I would respond with some description of what you went through as you described above and end it with

You can choose your friends - she isn't one of them.

Op, that used to be me, the common denominator in some truly awful friendships. I was a people pleaser then etablished some boundaries and they all disappeared! It's not you at fault!

They are horrible, and not 'friends' at all. Have you any local twins groups that you could contact? They will know just how tough it can be and getting in touch with some kindred spirits might be just what you need!

The person who sent that message is not a nice person.

But I'm not clear from what you've said so far whether the same is true of the rest of the group or not, you say there's a consensus amongst your friends - have others actually said similar things to you or is that from this one person speaking for the rest of the group?
It's possible that the others backed off, just to give you the space to deal with what you were going through, rather than because they were judging you. They may be guilty of nothing more than not knowing how best to offer support, especially if you say you sometimes retreat whilst dealing with things (and of course the fact that you were going through a tough time doesn't mean that they weren't also dealing with difficult times too and unable to offer support)

But definitely don't bother with anyone being nasty and judgemental about you not having been available for a while.

I’d be replying telling them what you told us along the lines of

I’m sorry to hear you feel I was a mummy martyr, that really hurts. I was worried out of my head due to x y z and while I appreciate none of you have twins I would have thought that when x visited me in hospital and told you all how sick my babies were that you would have understood. However I got no response at all. Friends should be there for each other and not one of you was there to give me support over those terrifying months when I was continually worried that I would lose my seriously ill children. I am not a mummy martyr I’m a loving parent. And you are apparently not friends, so I don’t see much point in rejoining a group where people are not really interested in me or my welfare even though I was genuinely interested in yours. I hope you are all well and wish you all the best for the future.

That’s a point I have been struggling with @AndAnotherNameChanger - the others potentially just followed because they followed her lead, I’m not sure but they are quite a tight knit group and I don’t know if attempting to contact them with my side of the story (as it were) will lead anywhere other than them clambouring to her defence.

I’m contemplating it, but DH is currently signed off work following a hospital admittance and we’re awaiting his test results so I don’t have the energy to spare right now, then I wonder if that’s the problem, that I do struggle to focus on more than one issue or situation at a time.

That’s a good response @Elieza thank you.

Sorry to hear that you and your twins had such a hard start.

I think your "friends" are idiots who clearly have had no experience of premature babies.

I had a weird letter from a former friend when my DD was 2 asking why I had let our friendship flounder. I had nothing close to what you experienced, but was exhausted, depressed and quite frankly did not need her judgement. She was upset because I wasn't joining her on long walks that were not buggy friendly or travelling 1 1/2hrs to meet her for a meal.

Now your twins are older and more able to leave the house for extended periods then maybe join a local toddler group and make new friends who are less bitchy.

They sound like the kind of friends you could do without! Talk about a lack of empathy, what does she do in her spare time, kick puppies?

I am utterly gobsmacked and from what little I know of you and absolutely sure there are better people around who can be good friends to you.

Good luck to your DH in hospital too.

That is breathtaking. I mean, it's so ridiculous that I'd wonder if there was a misunderstanding of some kind?! No one, let alone a whole group of people, could be so thick as to wonder why you're not having coffee when kids are seriously ill?!

I noticed a lot during the friendship that she doesn’t often consider another person’s circumstances, especially when she feels they have let her down. I often tried to help her with it and once she even expressed that was why she valued my friendship.

The others we met along the way and they were generally more the type to agree and take sides with her, or just remain completely neutral whenever she discussed things such as issues with colleagues, family members so maybe she felt more connected with them in the end.

As for the lack of consideration of my circumstances- I don’t think she ever actively thought about what the long lasting effect of this would be for me.

I’m so sorry to read your similar situation @Vintagegoth I sometimes do think that with mine, perhaps the friendship had already run it’s course and this was her scapegoat reason for calling it quits. But why she then felt the need to contact me this week is a mystery to me!