So no idea where to start, but i have some problems and i don't know if it's me thats being a bad daughter or not, there is also others things, so this could be long.
First off, i've never had any friends, was always bullied and i've always been shy.
But since being with my husband i've opened up alot but i suffer badly with Anxiety and Depression, but i still have doubts about myself. I've never been girly, e.g. i don't wear makeup, or buy clothes, shoes, handbags, or do my hair, and i also aren't big on expensive stuff. Jewerly isn't my thing either, could say i'm very cheap, think my husband loves me being cheap too.
I do love reading, and movies, but i am a very indoor person, only time i leave the house is Saturdays with my parents and the kids to do my weekly shopping but its for an hour or so.
Anyway the past few years my parents and sister seem to be funny with me, they make me feel unwanted.
For e.g. if i visit my mum on her day off, she makes it very clear when i need to go home by turning tele up or snapping at me, i have my kids with me too, which does annoy me as they see it too.
My sister snapped at me for asking how her boyfriend was, was also in front of my kids.
But alately its been that bad my husband has been noticing and i keep asking if i'm to blame, he says no but i feel like it is.
My mum and sister have alot of time together too; afternoon teas, cinema, christmas markets. My dad also joins them for meals and other things. I never get asked. Anyway other day i mentioned it, and they said that i'm a mother and i don't like any of it :( i've never been to an afternoon tea, and christmas is my favourite time of the year, i've only been to 2 christmas markets and loved them so much.
Last Christmas i had a miscarriage and i told them i want to do anything this year with and without my kids to enjoy myself, its not been a good year for me at all. But again they been shrugging it off.
My husband works nights, but on his set nights off he said he'll have the kids so i can go with them, but they changed when they are doing things.
My parents seem to be also trying to stop me from going shopping with them on Saturdays, and i honestly feel lonely and in prison. My kids ask when they will see their grandparents and why i cry when i go to the bathroom.
But for me something pushed me to a breakdown the last few weeks, my 30th birthday is coming up, and i've felt so excited and planning what i want, and they always told 30th is a big celebration.
I told them with being pregnant and my anxiety i don't want a party, i just was a Harry Potter birthday cake and to go to Harry Potter world in London, thats its. They seem to agree, until last week i mentioned it and they gave me the cold shoulder, i asked my sister if they was planning surprises, but she said no very coldly. I heard them say there is no point in celebrating my birthday, because i'm pregnant and too many birthdays before mine. I know it might seem small but it feels heartbreaking to know that if it was my sisters 30th she would get everything she wanted and more. Its always been the same but they deny it, and to say 30ths are a big thing in our family to do nothing at all for me, it really does upset me. I never ask for anything, i've always paid my way or if they buying me gifts, i send them links to what i want at a reduced price. E.g. books, dvds, and perfume.
I honestly feel has though i'm being pushed out of my family. I get snide remarks too, about how i look after my kids and what they would or wouldn't do, or how my house looks. My husband would love to say something, but i won't let him, i just fear things would get worse, and if i lost them over a fight, then i would only have my husband and kids around me. I've lost too much over the years and to lose them would break me, but i do see what my husband says too.
I properly sound so pathetic to everyone but i'm feeling so lonely and fed up, and my husband already does so much for me. I actually feel guilty when he said he'll see what he can do for my birthday, has last year and year before i spent it alone while he and family worked and i only got stuff mainly from him and kids.
Sorry if i'm ranting or am pathetic, i just need to know if i'm being unreasonable and childish.