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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please help me give my head a wobble!

16 replies

Witsendagain · 20/11/2019 15:54

I kind of know I'm being unreasonable but need you lovely people to help me get things into perspective!

OK so I live abroad with my dh and ds(2). The import laws and charges are quite strict and the country is incredibly expensive so I quite often buy things online, ship to my mil's address and get her to send it on (I cover postage and a bit extra). All fine, mil enjoys it as she likes to feel involved, I don't have to pay double the value of the item (import tax) or buy it locally for 3x the amount I could get it in the UK. Everyone's happy.

Except... My mil always relabels whatever I have ordered, I have paid for, and I have covered postage for, to my dh. It does my head in! My dh has had absolutely nothing to do with the process, the parcel does not belong to him and it makes it a nightmare to pick up from the parcel office (parcels are sent to centralised pick up areas not to individual houses). Our pick up area is 40mins away from where dh works, is only open during his work time and you can't pick up an item not addressed to you without several pieces of supporting documents. So instead of me being able to just pop in, flash some ID and pick up the parcel it becomes an exercise of military planning proportions.

I have explained to mil repeatedly what a pain it is but she still does it. Including very recently.

So today's parcel slip had Initial. Surname. Dh and I have the same initial and surname, having only recently had the discussion I though phew and went to pick it up to find, yet again, it has been addressed to dh (full name). I finally got the parcel after a massive palaver but I'm massively pissed.

I find it so disrespectful as the parcel has nothing to do with dh, arrived at mil's addressed to me etc. Its like she's making a point that I am unimportant and anything we own/ purchase etc is appropriated to her son!

I usually just roll my eyes and get on with it-with the exception of pointing out what a pain it is to pick it up- and just thank mil for forwarding stuff (I am hugely grateful as it saves us tonnes of money) but I've had a really bad week (potentially devastating news health wise that I now have to wait to confirm) and this lack of respect has just been the final straw!

I'm not going to say anything to her because she is doing us a favour and it is a relatively small thing, I just wondered whether this would piss anyone else off?

OP posts:

Jengnr · 20/11/2019 15:58

The inconvenience would piss me off. Have you asked her WHY she does it?

messolini9 · 20/11/2019 16:12

I'm not going to say anything to her because she is doing us a favour and it is a relatively small thing, I just wondered whether this would piss anyone else off?

Why would you not say something?
"MiL it's so good of you to help out as always. Can I just mention though - please use MY name on the parcel, because otherwise it's really difficult to prove that I'm the recipient & it creates a huge palaver!"

Original poster

Witsendagain · 20/11/2019 16:14

Not directly but I should!
She has mentioned before how she likes to send things to both dh and ds to 'make them feel special'. I'm sure dh felt really special to open a parcel he thought was something nice from his mum for him only to find the moon cup and reusable pads I'd ordered for myself! 😂

OP posts:

Wattagoose90 · 20/11/2019 16:16

Ask your husband to mention it's been a hassle to collect the most recent parcel and ask him to tell her it has to be your name in future.

Very sorry to hear about your news. I hope you're OK.

sillysmiles · 20/11/2019 16:19

the moon cup and reusable pads I'd ordered for myself

Tell her this!!
"I'm not sure he will be so excited when he opens it to discover it is my moon cup.

Original poster

Witsendagain · 20/11/2019 16:20

Messolini9 - I have said that to her many, many times. She takes no notice - she also has form for doing something more if she knows it irks me so I feel like it's lose lose.
I can just let it irritate me quietly; I can say something, which will pretty much ensure she does it as often as possible; or I can scrap the whole arrangement and deal with the financial impact and her bad mouthing me for not letting her be 'involved'.

OP posts:

CSIblonde · 20/11/2019 16:21

How annoying. Do they accept ID he can leave with you like driving licence & credit card in his name? My PO ask for either/or, but its UK. And he writes a one line, 'to whom it may concern my wife is picking up my parcel' as well, in case that goes down like a lead balloon? Shes passive aggressively wanting your DH to know what your spending, not realising joint finances & decisions on spending are the norm. I'd say it to her again, emphasise the ID issue (maybe she didn't grasp it first time round, some people need even simple stuff repeated) & provide new address labels with your name to drive home the point (especially if she says 'oh it's automatic to write DH' s name' etc) . If she still doesn't, tbh being stroppy when I'm messed about like that, I'd float a "maybe we should end the arrangement, it's a lot for you..." & see if losing the 'extra' £ you give her is an incentive....

Modestandatinybitsexy · 20/11/2019 16:23

I would get your DH to tell her how annoying it is that he has to go out of his way to pick up your parcels and that it would be easier for both of you if she can address all future parcels to you or at least both of you.

NoSquirrels · 20/11/2019 16:24

Get your DH to tell her.

Or tell her what’s in the parcels - “Don’t address this one to DH, it’s sanitary stuff”
“Don’t address this one to DH, it’s his birthday present!”

Or tell her you CANNOT pick up things addressed to anyone but you - they’ve changed the rules, haven’t they?

Troels · 20/11/2019 16:25

Has DH told her to stop putting his name on. He needs to tell her to stop, as he can't get to the PO to pick up as it's too far out and he's busy with work and it's inconvenient for HIM.
Maybe she'll listen to him.

recrudesence · 20/11/2019 16:26

You need to get your husband to put the hard word on his mum.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 20/11/2019 16:26

OR get her a bundle of pre addressed labels with your name in bold as a supplementary Christmas present?

CravingCheese · 20/11/2019 16:27

Your DH needs to tell her..
Disregarding your opinion in such a way (seeing as you told her repeatedly) is imo extremely disrespectful, yes.

lifecouldbeadream · 20/11/2019 16:29

Get your OH to tell her it’s causing HIM an inconvenience and he’d rather she didn’t......

Original poster

Witsendagain · 20/11/2019 17:51

Dh has told her it's causing him an inconvenience but she still disregards it because I'd told her it was inconvenient first - she quite often will ignore what dh says if she thinks I've told him to say it.
I like the addressed labels as her Christmas present suggestion! Maybe I can get personalised ones with 'witsendisthegreatest' watermarked 😂

OP posts:

Troels · 20/11/2019 18:34

If he has said something I'd let her know that in the new year she won't need to trouble herself anymore as so and so relative of yours is going to take over and send your parcels on. If she asks why, tell her it's too difficult to pick them up as she still puts Dh name on and he can't get there to pick up. So to save her trying to remember who's name you will just ask so and so to do it in future.

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