Family

[Annie1109]

Hi everyone!
Just looking to get some perspective on something. I'm pregnant and due to have dc2 next year. This was a much wanted baby but one that came out of the blue after years of thinking we couldn't conceive again - as it turns out, I'm due the same day as my sisters wedding. When I told her, she didn't have anything firmly booked so if she had desperately wanted me and my family involved, she did have the option of changing dates. I should add we live about 8 hours away too.

Anyway there has been a lot of arguing lately, she has non stop issues with her fiancé, it's a really nasty relationship but if you say anything you're the bad one. Now I'm getting this general expectation from her and my mum that we should still be making the effort to travel to this wedding (even if I've given birth a few days before). I even get the impression that they're banking on this baby being premature because my other child was - the last thing I want is the risk of a prem delivery. The thought of travelling for 8 hours days after giving birth and with a newborn really doesn't sound great either. Normally I would make every effort but lately I've started to realise they make zero effort for me. My sister hasn't visited me in 6 years, my mum in 3 years (claims too busy with work but regularly days 4/5 day blocks of holiday to do nothing) - both me and DH work full time and have a dc at school to consider but we're expected to be the ones who travel to them. I've made the effort to go there and be present for their special birthdays and occasions yet i had a big birthday this year that was as good as ignored.
My mum has made no mention whatsoever of visiting at all when the baby is born and I was told today she's bought me a pram. I questioned how I was going to get it when it's so far away and the subject was dropped which tells me the intention was never for the crib to be here but for me to use at her house so she's clearly not intending on visiting.
DH is utterly sick of it, they've always been given priority over his family yet make no effort for us. As far as he's concerned, we're not going to the wedding and that's it.
AIBU for expecting a little bit of give and take?

Thanks!

Don’t go to the wedding!

You're not being unreasonable.
If you hadn't given birth by that point, it'd be foolish to travel 8 hours heavily pregnant with impending labour. You'd want to be close to your own hospital. Never mind the fact that sitting for long periods during the end of pregnancy can be bloody uncomfortable and can be a health risk too.....DVT...

If the baby came early it'd be foolish to travel with a new baby who will need feeding every 2 hours or so. You'll be bleeding, sore and not to mention, it's not good for babies to be in a car seat for an extended period of time.

There comes a point where you do have to put you and your own little family first. They're being so unrealistic expecting you to travel 8 hours either heavily pregnant or with a newborn.

Oh wow! There is no way you could go I think, even if your relationship with your family was better. Really hope the baby is not prem but if it is it will need extra special care and even if born at 38 weeks going 8 hours with a two week old is crazy. Biology is on your side here, but not that you need an excuse, sounds like they have not prioritised your needs at all!! I’m with your dH, congrats on the baby and good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. X

Yes, you can't. Nobody could reasonably expect it. It'd be nice to find a way to make it up to your sister though. Maybe take her and her fiance somewhere fancy now.

Thanks everyone. I was feeling like I was somehow being unreasonable but I agree that my own family and both mine and the baby's health has to come first. I'm bracing myself for the fallout but that's life I guess!!

YANBU at all. I would not be planning on going to the wedding if I'd just had a baby. In fact I wouldn't plan on going if I hadn't given birth either as I wouldn't want to go into labour so far away from home or from the hospital I planned to give birth in.

Bloody hell, just tell them you are not going and let them sulk if they want to

Your family do not know what give and take is!!
Do not go to the wedding and do not feel bad about it.
I think you got all the patience, kindness and understanding in the family!
They sound very selfish

Your DH is right. Time to put your family (you, DH and DCs) first, and if his birth family have always had to come 2nd, after yours (assuming they're nice people) then it's time they get considered first, before your mum and sister etc.

And stop doing all the visiting, if they really want to see you, they'll come to you. They sound like self centred bullies.

Anyway, if your sister and her fiancé have a nasty relationship, why would you want to go and celebrate her tying herself to him? The marriage might not last anyway.

Don't go, and don't feel guilty. You are not the unreasonable person here, but they are.

YADNBU. Don't go and tell them they are being utterly selfish.