To reduce contact with a friend

You can't fix it because its not you that needs to change anything - except your boundaries. The fact that you are worried about how he and everyone else will react when you put basic boundaries in place is concerning, because his behaviour is pretty crappy.
You aren't getting anything out of the one sided 'friendship' so just keep him at arms length.

I just dropped a demanding and attention seeking friend...all dramas and nothing to do with me really....I blocked her on phone and email from her goes to junk folder so I know she still sends some but the volume has reduced a lot. ... She was clever and the cries for help switched to concern for me as she wasn't getting replies etc..a tactic to engage with me. I ignore her. Also I am aware some of her other friends keep their distance and maybe the mutual friends you share feel same as you do..??..I can't have people in my life who drain me and want attention...she is similar to your friend..always right etc...just don't respond if it's not convenient.

I would be pulling away and finding new friends. Sadly it can be easier to do this rather than 're-negotiate' existing boundaries.

If you wanted to try to re-establish your boundaries - I wouldn't talk to your friend about it, I would simply put things in place, as to try and open discussions would be seen as a challenge to his perceived alpha status and would not go down well. So for example if he has asked you to arrange a meet up, you can agree however also say you need to confirmation 48 hours ahead to finalise arrangements. And if he doesn't make contact until after the deadline, say 'Oh I thought you didn't want to go and I've arranged something else now'. If he drops you for someone else - call him out on it. It's rude and nasty and frankly not the sign of a good friend. If these character traits of your friend are long standing I think you may find your mutual friends have similar problems with him and in effect he is playing you all off against each other.

Sad to say the more you describe this friend - the worse he sounds; considers friends beneath him, always wanting to be the centre of attention, dropping you if a' better' offer comes along. What positive things does this friend bring to your life?

Just be civil when you have to see him but stop messaging him, and ignore his messages.

Do you realise by his actions he probably considers you beneath him too?

He’s a bully. He sounds like he’s damaging to your MH and self esteem in the long run.

If your mutual friends don’t get that then you need to find new friends who have your best interests at heart.

Or even if you feel lonely for a while (as it is hard making friends as an adult I know) it’s FAR better for you in the long run than having given time to someone like this.

A lot of your boundaries could do with a re-evaluation. I think you need to be extremely careful, because his attitude that you are all beneath him suggest he could be an abuser who is playing you rather than genuine friend.

Church groups are extremely vulnerable to users and abusers, because the group wants to be nice, trusting, welcoming and open.
But he isn't a good fit. Its not that he's socially awkward, far from it. He's socially adept.

I'm going to suggest you take The Freedom Program, and look into assertiveness training. You are walking on eggshells and that suggest this isnt a healthy relationship of equals.
A Woman in Your Own Right - by Anne Dickson

freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

freedomprogramme.co.uk/graphic.php

yeah, I need to establish boundaries but I have no idea what healthy boundaries would be
Initially, stop responding to his demands for messages that he does not even bother to respond to. Stop sorting/organising things from him. When he texts you the day before an event, expecting you to "magic plans out of thin air" just refuse - tell him it's high time HE did the legwork, & to get back to you when he has a firm plan.

I could always attempt to meet up and talk to him about it and get it all out there or message him and tell him how his behavior is making me feel and the anxiety it is causing
Pointless. He won't accept it, he will likely put you in the wrong (he seems to have form for putting you on the back foot), & what do you think it would achieve?

Just be generally less available. Stop facilitating him, stop appreasing him, & see how much time he wants to spend with you - & being GOOD to you - when you decide not to do any more of the running.

Bloody hell, don't share a house with him!

Even criminals can have some good points, it doesn't mean you should be friends with them. It sounds like his bad points outweigh his good points, so I'd phase him out. Stop arranging things with him. Let the others know what you're doing, and ask them not to get involved. Tell them why you're doing this, or they will be confused and try to fix things.

I am going to take a punt in the dark here, forgive me if I am way off, but is your friend the vicar / pastor or head of your church? If so, there's also some power disparity happening, which again to me, strongly suggests he is bringing very little to your life.
Please let me explain my thinking.
Someone who is there in a crisis is good, however a real friend would be there all the time - fun times, stressful times, leading up to and into a crisis and out the other side. In fact a friend can head off a crisis by being there. A real friend does not, as I have mentioned before, drop you when a better offer comes along. You seem somewhat enthralled by this man and are allowing him to treat you quite shabbily and defending him as well.
Someone who steps in during a crisis maybe being useful but they are not necessarily acting fully out of the goodness of their heart. More because they get a buzz from waltzing in a taking over, taking control, so that you will feel beholden to them. That this someone seems to play such a central role in yours and your mutual friends lives also means that these other friends may step back in crises and let him take control, rather than helping you as well. This acts to isolate you from them to some extent.
I don't mean to undermine your relationship - but you have already started to notice the relationship may not be healthy and I totally agree with you and again strongly suggest you step well back and find new friends.

I stopped communication with a friend a few months ago. She was really demanding and constantly had a drama of some sort going on that she'd want to spend hours dissecting. I just didnt have the energy for it and honestly I feel better for stopping contact.

That whole experience taught me that friends give and take - they dont constantly take. Someone said you can classify people as 'radiators' and 'drains' - you only need the radiators in your life.

Yes I do know what you mean Confused.
Please don't blame yourself for anything. You have behaved as you usually would towards a friend - give and take and he is the one who has undermined you.

Step back - don't say anything about t to him. If he asks why your behaviour has changed, you could say 'oh as it - hadn't noticed'. ONly explain your feelings if you really think he will understand AND take it on the chin and accept the negative feedback.

You keep saying things like - "I'm still so worried about putting boundaries into place and upsetting him."
You are literally putting his feelings before your own. It's very common in many of us (especially women), but you need to give yourself a little more consideration here.
You don't have to drop him, you don't even have to block his messages; just don't drop everything to reply the second he contacts you. You say that he often leaves days between communicating with you, so just point that out - it's obviously OK for him to do that so you're assuming it's the same the other way round.
He'll get the message.

Recognising this is the first step! Not many people actually see what's going on when they're in a relationship or friendship like this.
To your point to DPotter - you don't have to say anything in a way that might upset him either. Just state matter of factly that, just as he can't always get to your texts/messages immediately, it's not always easy for you. He can't really object to that, and if you don't say it as if you're asking permission or apologising, it keeps it from getting too emotional.
I'd suggest trying to get hold of some books that talk about how to change the pattern of relationships.

OP, this would be a good book to start with :)

www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness-ebook/dp/B009SAHNW6?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21