not to want to go over it again?

[threeblowdries]

so i am a sahp to 4 children under 13.

sometimes during the day there are arguments / fall out etc. so when DH comes home i may be stressed or one of the kids might have no screen time or be going to bed early depending on what has happened.

when Dh comes home from work he will ask what has happened.

I feel that once i have dealt it and we have moved on we do not need to go over it again ?

AIBU to not want to fill him in on what arguments have happened during the day?

Why wouldn't you? He's not asking something unreasonable. Why exclude him like this? He should know why the kids are being punished.

Yeah, I get you. I'd say something like "same old same old" and not engage. The whole interaction with the kids is draining enough, without going over it again.

That's not to say I'd never talk about things. Just sometimes I really don't want to go there.

My 4 are all under 17 now... It's getting easier!

I'd be complaining if he didn't ask.
I hate having all of the emotional burden on my shoulders and enjoy/need a bit of an off load.

I think you shutting him out like this will be very damaging to your marriage. He's not the gardner, he's your husband and the childrens' father. Why doesn't he have the right to know what's going on with his own children? How can he support you in disciplining your kids when he has no idea what the issues are? I'm not saying you have to give a run down of each and every problem, but a brief overview is appropriate. If the roles were reversed, I doubt you would appreciate being shut out like this.

Get him to ask the child involved?

If he asks in front of the dc the i get that it risks an argument kicking back off again, them interrupting and being all ‘yeah but I wasn’t even doing x’. I would say oh i’ll tell you later and pack them all off to bed and tell him over a glass of wine or a cup of tea. It can honestly be quite useful to reflect on a conflict situation once you’re out of the heat of the moment, and you shouldn’t have all this swirling around in your head and feel unable to share it - they’re his kids too. If i came home and my partner or dc were upset i’d want to know why too, not to be interfering or make things worse, but because i love them and care how their day went. Plus it will help him understand how hard you work and value what you do.

thanks for the replies. some good points.

i just find it hard to go there again when i have dealt with it and moved on but I think i will take some of the advice and make an effort to be more open.

most of it is just same old same old as one poster said so maybe i don't need to go into specifics.

sometimes i can't even remember what has happened, lol

thanks

@threeblowdries you are not being unreasonable at all! I feel the same. Basically the problem has been dealt with so that's it really! I don't want to spend my evening dissecting every little squabble and tantrum to the eighth degree and explaining how it was resolved! DH wouldn't like it if I asked him the ins and outs of his job when he came home. TBH I would find it so boring listening to the details I would probably nod off!

You don’t have to go into huge detail! And you could preface what you say with a little disclaimer that it’s too boring or petty to even recall the finer points if you like. But i honestly think you sound quite stressed out and as if you’re on your own with things , maybe offloading a little would help? Maybe reflecting on what happened, just a very edited version, will actually help you identify patterns and triggers in what’s pushing your/the dcs’ buttons and help you avoid them? I don’t know, i feel you, sometimes it’s like you’re just living moment to moment and trying not to go insane, and god knows who wants to prolong that agony by recapping it on the news at ten every night.

If, having told him, he decides to punish again or override what you did that would be unreasonable and I don't blame you for not wanting to go into it, As others have said though if he wants to know what is going on with his own kids it's not fair not to tell him. He will stop asking.