Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To burn the bridges?

43 replies

ps1991 · 19/11/2019 19:27

My mum is irritating me so much I just do not see the point in continuing to force a relationship. I grew up with my dad, seeing mum 2/3 times a year. I now have my own little boy (10 months) and she is irritating me more than ever! We live 2 hours apart and I have said we won’t be travelling at Christmas but she’s welcome to come here. She doesn’t drive so if she comes she’ll have to get a lift from friends/family. She has never worked. Her husband works part time in the supermarket. I’ve asked her when she’ll start working and she said she can’t because they’ll loose their benefits. My siblings are 18, 15 and 12 and so I have always been annoyed that she isn’t a good role model for them, but more and more I am finding myself tip toeing around actually saying to her ‘you need to get a job and do something!’ My husband and I both have well paid teaching jobs and it really really gets to me that we work hard and balance work with the baby and running our own home while she sits at home all day everyday, getting our tax money back in benefits! Additionally her home is absolutely filthy so much that I can hardly stand being there and definitely won’t take the baby. (I’ve posted about that before)

So. Wibu to write her a whole text (she only ever speaks to me via text) with all my feelings in etc? Or should I just keep brushing it away with her being totally ignorant to the fact that I am constantly trying to make excuses to not see her and constantly getting worked up?

Ps she is a heavy smoker Confused

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 20/11/2019 19:33

I bet you wouldn't have suggested that if she lived with her mum and only saw her dad a couple of times a year. Hmm

Sounds to me more like her dad was a better parent with more suitable housing tbh!

LoonyLunaLoo · 20/11/2019 19:50

Oh of course it must be the man’s fault!

I get you OP, your mum doesn’t sound great to be around!

MitziK · 20/11/2019 20:11

I would, actually.

ps1991 · 20/11/2019 20:13

🙄 my dad didn’t prevent me seeing her at all. They split when I was a toddler and I very clearly remember times as a young child putting up a fight to visit her because I didn’t like going to her home. It was always my choice. And as I got less reliant on lifts to visit her I visited less frequently because I was in control.

OP posts:
Elieza · 20/11/2019 20:16

I would be pissed too OP. It’s a shame you can’t have the relationship you want with your mum.

At least you know what not to do with your child and will do all you can to keep her safe and well, including avoiding the manky smoky home if your mother.

She perhaps is depressed and just never told you what the doc said or that this is what she gets benefits for. Or perhaps she is a lazy individual who can’t be arsed working. Who knows.

You just see her when it suits you. A couple of times a year if you prefer. There are no rules. If she wants more just tell her you are really busy bonding with your daughter and doing stuff with dp and you’ll see her later.

VolcanionSteamArtillery · 20/11/2019 22:38

I will say again you cannot claim benefits for "no reason". You cannot claim benefits for working a part time job unless there is a reason you cannot work longer hours and you are attending job seeker appointments. Job seekers doesnt equate to the comfortable lifestyle you are describing. It is very very subsistence living and if you are on it long term, the emotional cost of fufilling the requirements to sustain your claim is enough to decimate your chances of being off it. It is truly truly horrific. Its also a hellhole of undiagnosed special needs and mental health difficulties , education failures

What you are describing simply isnt possible outside the pages of the daily mail. Dont take my word for it, You can check it on any benefit calculator.

i have worked very hard to get to where I am in life, and feel very fortunate to be young and already have a good career, marriage and my own home.

This is exactly what people who are fortunate enough not to have found themselves on benefits say to justify their complete lack of care for another human being. They are lesser than you therefore its fine to look down on them right?

But if your child was diagnosed with SN tomorrow. Then a doctor told you someone will need to be home full time you will be claiming benefits. If then your and your marriage broke up (which tends to happen in families with children with SN), you too would find yourself dependent on benefits

Or your company is taken into administration with instant job losses and no redundancy due. You develop depression as a result. A dictor whose paid to minimise the impact of your illness declares you fit for work when you arent. Your ability to self advocate is absent as a result of your depression so you dont fit it. You find yourself weekly meeting with someone who basically tells you if you are good enough to receive your benefits. Because you don't see yourself as good enough, you do you best to prove yourself right and sabotage any chance of success.

One uncontrollable event and most people are 1-6 months away from benefit claim. In fact i was you comfortably married young mum with a toddler owning my own home (and a second one) in a good career 6-12 months before my first benefit claim.

A few minor points but you do realise you can own your own home and still be on benefits. You can also have "professional" training and still find yourself in the position of needing benefits.

Thats an incredibly odd assumption mitzik
Not really. Its exactly what i thought. The OP confirms her mum's situation is long standing. Her understanding of benefits is beyond poor. That's been encouraged. Benefits bashing is a really quick way the denigrate someone whilst bigging yourself up. Classic alienation technique.

hsegfiugseskufh · 20/11/2019 22:44

Not really. Its exactly what i thought. The OP confirms her mum's situation is long standing. Her understanding of benefits is beyond poor. That's been encouraged. Benefits bashing is a really quick way the denigrate someone whilst bigging yourself up. Classic alienation technique

Yeah, i think youre reading far too much into this. Im fairly certain op knows the cause of her feelings towards her own mother, better than you (a stranger on the internet) do.

StoneofDestiny · 20/11/2019 23:38

Im fairly certain op knows the cause of her feelings towards her own mother, better than you (a stranger on the internet) do

Correct

VolcanionSteamArtillery · 20/11/2019 23:54

I think theres justification in questioning those feelings when the "facts" they are based on are demonstrably wildly incorrect.

Interestedwoman · 21/11/2019 00:05

'never learned to drive and never worked to better herself.'

That could be depression and anxiety or something along those lines. I never dared learn to drive because of my (for a long time undiagnosed) MH problems etc.

Some people are so lacking in confidence unfortunately, that they don't feel they can do anything to better themselves. They might even be not very bright- everyone's different.

'you seem to have used over complicated words to say that I shouldn’t be so harsh on her and it’s just luck that I’m not like that too, when i have worked very hard to get to where I am in life'

Good for you, but not everyone has your talents- people aren't born equal- I couldn't do your job no matter how hard I try- am I a bad person just because I can't do what you're capable of doing? (In fact I did try and do a PGCE but that was when my health really went downhill.) I assume your mum couldn't do it either, for one reason or another. Some people are born with a higher IQ, or more of other talents and abilities than others.

You're not happy with your mum due to how she acted in your childhood, and also that the house is manky. Can't you just leave it at that without the potentially ableist, classist rhetoric?

DeRigueurMortis · 21/11/2019 00:27

Dons hard hat....

I see where the OP is coming from.

Whilst there are a cohort of society that are absolutely deserving of benefits there people who claim money that do so, not because they lack choices, rather they lack motivation.

I know MN hates a benefit bashing thread, but the truth is that there are people who claim despite having the ability to work.

The OP (knowing her mother better than anyone posting) feels her mother is abusing the system.

So, for what it's worth OP I think your feelings are justified.

It annoys me too, when I encounter people playing the system (that includes wealthy tax dodgers) because it reduces the amount of money to help those in real need.

Chloemol · 21/11/2019 00:34

Just stop contacting her and leave her to live her life. Focus on your family

PhilCornwall1 · 21/11/2019 05:19

@ps1991

I'm with you on this. I'll get flamed, but "professional benefit claimants" who could get up off their arse and work, but choose not to, really piss me off.

So am I looking down my nose? You're fucking right I am, when I work my arse off and pay thousands in tax to help fund this!

Countryescape · 21/11/2019 08:37

Right so she has been on a benefit for 20* years. No real reason other than she can’t be arsed getting a job costing actual tax payers a fortune. She’s home all day yet never cleans? She’s lazy AF!! That’s all there is to it. I’d be annoyed too OP

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 21/11/2019 09:42

I would handle it by just letting the relationship fade out.It will do this on its own without any nastiness if you don;t respond to texts so much or you are too busy living your life with your dh and child to visit.On another note maybe your step dad is on top up benefits like working tax credits which can be quite generous if he is claiming for your mum and children.It is a legitimate benefit and he is doing something however small. I think you are stressed and angry but it isnt going to help anyone.I would suggest quietly leaving them to their own life and you concentrating on making your life and future the best and happiest and most secure it can be.Let it just naturally fade out..you don;t ned to do anymore.

VolcanionSteamArtillery · 21/11/2019 10:11

another note maybe your step dad is on top up benefits like working tax credits which can be quite generous if he is claiming for your mum and children.

You cant claim working tax credits as a couple unless you are both working at least 16 hours either. Or you ate excused from working due to ill health/disability. Therefore the dad cant be claiming "top up benefits" for the mum and children in the mum doesn't work "for no reason" as the OP suggests. There is no eligibility.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 21/11/2019 10:13

oh right sorry ! not fully au fait with benefits...I dont recieve any but just thought if he was in work in some capacity that might be the case...

VolcanionSteamArtillery · 21/11/2019 10:15

www.gov.uk/working-tax-credit

New posts on this thread. Refresh page