to not spend time with my parents because of my childhood

[Shouldistayorshouldigonow999]

I've always had a strained relationship with my parents. Lots of history and complications. To summarise I grew up with little emotional affection, hugs, 'i love yous' etc. I put it down to my mums unloving childhood. However now i have a child despite her being unaffectionate to me im very loving towards my son so I now feel like there was no excuse really.

Financially etc i had what i needed and on paper all was fine.

However my mum was always critical (of my weight) and both parents seemed obsessed with me doing well at school and that was the be all and end all. Lots of pressure. My earliest memories are of being depressed as a very young child.. crying myself to sleep every night. I dont know the root cause of this. I did suffer a childhood illness aged 1 year old which left me deaf in one ear (it caused huge social problems at school as I couldnt keep up with conversations). Academically though i did well. My whole childhood I felt unloved and had zero confidence. My mum once said a school photo of me looked awful (i wasnt an attractive child).. commmets like that stuck with me. My mum was also very critical of my dad.

My parents also argued constantly screaming at each other. I wished as a child they would separate. My mum said when i was 15 "you are lucky you only have three years til you can escape this hell".. i felt so sad at that comment. We were all so miserable.

My parents seemed so miserable together however on paper we were financially fine and i had music lessons and they gave me money to go to uni and for a house deposit! They were very good in a lot of ways which leaves me feeling guilty. They do love me very much and worry about me but unfortunately i cant bear to spend time with them. They argue so much and my mum looks me up and down as though im a disgust to her (im 1.5 stone over weight so im not huge!).

I was a handful of a teenager.. rude and depressed. I left at 18 and got a decent career but i had numeorus breakdowns over the years...each time they massively helped me financially etc and are always there for me on a practical level. In fact they go above and beyond making sure my house is ok and my car etc.. they are hugely "good" in a practical sense but i still have no affection from them. I moved ten mins down the road 3 years ago. They look after my child after school 2 days a week which he enjoys and they love having him. They are nice to him!

Now im late 30s finally im accepting of myself and no longer have depression etc. Im fairly happy in my life and i understand about depression and anxiety etc and im kinder to myself these days however i still sometimes feel sad that i was so depressed as a child.

My issue is i cant bear to be around them but I feel so guilty especially as theyre getting older. My partner keeps saying its unkind that we never invite them over or meet out for a coffee but I literally feel anxious and stressed as soon as im in their company!

I feel like they did their best and they really love me. I love them but I dont like them. I feel so sad and guilty.

Before anyone says communicate to them it absolutely wont happen, no one in my family communicates and it wont change now. I have to accept them and the situation as it is. Anyone else have a simlarly disfunctional/toxic family and how do you accept the past and move on?

I could have written parts of your post. I think it was only when I had my DC that I realised how dysfunctional my childhood had been. I also don't remember any 'I love you' from my parents: my DF was always around (worked locally 9-5, at home at weekends) but emotionally distant. My DM was usually in a bad mood and had no time for us - she was more interested in having a pristine house and 'good' children - she was always concerned with how things reflected on her and what others thought of her. I can see now that their relationship was a bad one: DF is a narcissist who clearly thinks he married 'beneath' him: DM adored DF and let him get away with treating her appallingly at times (emotional abuse). We were hit regularly by my DF: DM actively encouraged this. It was way over the top and more than a smack. My DParents weren't overly interested in my DC - my DF often couldn't hide his boredom. We live about 30 mins drive away and they come here about once every 5 weeks or so for a couple of hours. I don't particularly like seeing them. I too wouldn't be able to talk to them: they were horrible to me in my mid-teens, calling me fat, and I tried to talk to them about it a couple of years ago - tried to explain how it affected me and how I am still plagued with feelings of being fat and ugly … they didn't want to know. Refused to enter into any kind of discussion. That's their way, so nothing ever gets resolved, just festers. They too are getting old: I don't feel much guilt, tbh, as they made little effort with me. I am making sure I don't make the same mistakes with my DC. I guess I don't have a lot of advice for you, just wanted to say that you are not alone in feeling this way. Don't be guilted into doing something you don't want to do: it can be difficult for our partners to understand childhood trauma if their childhood was happy. Sometimes you can't just brush it away and act as if it didn't happen: their refusal to discuss it means you can't get past it, same with me and my DPs.

Thanks Piffle11, your post was really helpful to me. Its nice to not feel like im the only one (sometimes it feels like friends etc despite also having issues with family overall theyre still quite close, which I'll never have :-/) I'm sorry to hear about your family. It was interesting what you said about your dad feeling as though he 'married beneath' him. That sounds like my num!!! She came from a tough background, no money and she worked so hard. I genuineluly belive she met my dad and thought he would be a good match to build a life with (he had a stable job and he was secure). She then became bitterley disapointed when she realised a few years later that he was a quiet simple man who altho worked hard had little ambition... the opposite to her and she was incredibly unhappy and angry ... knowing your mum hates your dad and your dad then ends up hating hee back is an incredibly damaging environment to grow up in. My dad used to shout "youre lucky we are still together and youre not from a BROKEN HOME"...i used to wish theyd just split up... its so depressing... i guess we just have to move on and focus on being better parents to our kids than they were

Does spending time with them add anything positive to your life? If so then seeing them in small doses might be the right thing for you. Long enough to feel good about it but not too long that any old dynamics come to play.

If I spend too much time with my dad we start fighting so we limit visits to 2-3 hours and have a much better relationship for it.

Other family members add nothing positive to my life, and I stopped seeing them completely. Life is too short to spend time being hurt by people who don't really matter.

Your friendship and love is not something people can demand from you. Give it freely to people you enjoy being around and only them.

It sounds like you've recovered from everything really well and your main issue is actually that your partner doesn't understand the family dynamics.

You have a cordial relationship with your parents which is more than they deserve IMO and probably exactly what they want. People like this, they don't want emotional intimacy, they just want everything to look good to the outside world without them having to do too much work. Trying to see more of them, as your partner suggests, would probably not make them happier. Don't feel guilty.

OP, i think many people have issues with their parents. We would love to think that they should have been better, wiser and more loving, but they are/were just people and imperfect.

My mother died when I was little, I was bullied at school and started to self harm at 15. When I was 16 my dad throw me out as my stepmother told him it was me or her. Eventually they divorced 10 years later after she repeatedly tried to get him to throw my sister out as well. We managed to reconcile. He was very sorry, but didn’t really say so explicitly. He tried to fix things for me, cook dinner for me sometimes and we developed a relationship. I always knew that if I needed practical help or advice he would be there.

We didn’t have a ”normal” father and daughter relationship (if there is any such thing), but we found a relationship that worked for us. I was able to do this once I started to feel sorry for him, understand how hard he had worked, how overwhelmed he was by grief after my mother died and that he also had a very traumatic childhood. The older I get, the more I understand him and feel sorry for him. He died a few years ago and I miss him tremendously .

Sending you lots of . Hope you find a solution that is right for you.