Deadbeat dad back from the dead?

[tearsandtiaras]

I have a 11 year old DD
Her father has always been sporadically awful with retaining contact and has an anger problem which has scared her On a few times in her younger years and resulted in her not wanting to go to his. He has only paid for her sporadically and not ever done any proper parenting - school runs , birthday parties , medical appointments etc

During contact they seemed to have a good bond despite his angry temper and sometimes questionable parental boundaries .

After a domestic violence incident she witnessed during a contact drop off where he chased us down the street shouting at me he has not seen her full stop for 3 years.
I am scared to see him face to face

Since the incident he has made no attempt to call me or to pass on any birthday or Christmas presents for her to family members. He posts long posts on Facebook about he is a perfect dad etc . He has not made any attempt to see her through other family members that have contact Alone with her.

Out of the blue after 3 years he has messaged me stating out of no where he suddenly wants every other weekend contact .
I have spoken to citizens advice and they suggested mediation and a contact centre.
We tried to go through mediation in 2014 which I instigated when contact broke down through his violent outbursts towards me but he refused to turn up .

I'm not sure what to do now . I feel panicked and anxious that he is now trying to muscle his way in with no substance to his requests.
His Messages inform me my dd must hate me.

Can anyone please advise me what to do ?

Block him.

Yes, just block him.

Ha. Block him. Let him take it to court if he really wants to see her (he will never get it)

Screenshot all his messages, for a start

I second everyone else - screen shot meesage don’t not reply block him on all forms of social media also. If your daughter is 11 block him on hers also (if she has any) fwiw had similar type of message from my ex they say that to get a response, don’t bite

My ex reappeared after years of nc. Sent him on his way back to his rock.
He stayed there til dd was 21!!

She sent him packing soon after!!

Definitely screen shot his messages and block him. If he wants contact he can arrange it via the courts. I wouldn't want to be getting messages from someone with a violent temper who's chased me down the street.

If it will work, blocking him sounds ideal, but if he might take this to court or get around social media blocks to contact your DD directly you may need to be more long-game about it. For your DD’s sake you should not let him have unmediated contact with her, but she may also start asking questions about him in the future if you just shut him down. Plus, he may go to court.

Perhaps suggest he start with weekly video calls at a set time that is mutually convenient (don’t allow adjustments on a whim). Set up an address just for these calls so it’s easy to cut contact if things go haywire. If he can do that without being abusive and keep up the contact, building a bit of a relationship with her, after 3 months move on to face to face, ideally via a contact centre. Tell him that you will pull the plug the moment his behaviour in front of her is inappropriate and he will have to take an anger management course before you will start again (and follow through).

He doesn’t sound like he’ll be able to keep up anything regular so this will probably just peter out, but it does mean that in the future when your Ex can contact your DD without you even knowing about it, he won’t be able to gaslight your DD and blame you for their lack of relationship (an accusation which could hurt your relationship if it comes at the wrong time).

Let him take you to court. You have already done more than enough to try to facilitate contact with this violent person.

There'll be a reason, new woman in his life he's trying to impress?

Do nothing, you DO NOT have to respond.

If he engages a solicitor, serves court papers then come back on here for advice.

Your only job is to take care of yourself and your daughter.

Thank you for your replies

I am scared he will try and contact her separately
She has no phone or social media but will do in time

I want to ignore him and feel terrified about court

Don’t be worried about court he has to apply for mediation first which you can refuse due to dv. Courts act in best interest of the child, she is 11 her views and wishes are taken into account. Considering his history and the fact she witnessed it it won’t show him in a good light. As for contact centres in our area the nrp has to apply and supply the court order, which I doubt someone of his history would do as the control/power has been taken away from him.
Child law advise people on line (specialised website I think advise is free could help calm your mind) look it up. Don’t bother with social services they do not deal with contact.
Does he know where you live ? I ask because you mentioned no birthday cards etc. I think as another has mentioned new woman on scene possibly has children and she is asking questions!!!! Why don’t you see your child.
My love I would ignore the dead beat and plan to have a lovely Christmas l.

Sorry to be the odd one out, but she is his dad, despite his faults. He sounds like a prize idiot and I completely understand your fears. However should he take you to court or should your DD ask you in years to come why she hasn't seen him, you don't want to look bitter or degrade him, that's for other people to make their own judgements of him. However you do not feel safe around him and are also concerned for your daughter's welfare. Therefore I would suggest you reply, but only to say that if he is serious about a relationship with your daughter he must follow the correct channels and leave it to him to instigate. Would it not be better for all to have a resolution and to prove to your daughter you tried? Rather than living in fear of him turning up? He likely knows he messed up and that is why he has had no contact, through fear of rejection. Pretending he doesn't exist and ignoring him will not make you feel any better about the situation and could mean your daughter misses out on having a father figure in her life. How awful for her to think her dad doesn't care or doesn't want her, and more awful so, to know he did and her mum refused him to see her. If it is done through the proper channels and he messes up, you can drag him straight back to court. We have unconditional love for our children and they have unconditional love for us. Regardless of his flaws I'm sure your DD still loves him. Put the ball in his court and see how serious he is. Good luck

If he has a habit of losing interest don't just block him or send him to court as that will make him come after you. You need to make him lose interest again.

Could you invite him to mediation again, knowing it's likely he'll refuse in a huff?

Eow including overnights is not appropriate when she hasn't seen him in 3 years. An afternoon where he takes her to mcdonalds or bowling or something is a better start. But as he scares you, it's not up to you to negotiate with him yourself.