DH goes to his Xmas party, I'm not allowed

[1Supersonic]

Hi I would like some advice.

I work part-time and DH works full time. He stops me attending any functions outside of work where he can. Last year there was a works team meal and he put obstacles in my way so I couldn't attend. I have never had the chance to attend the work Christmas party. He always invents a reason that I cannot go. I know if I did get around it he would make my life a misery.

Now he is going to a works Christmas meal and I feel annoyed. How come he is allowed out and I am not.

[coconutpie]

Can you arrange (without telling him) for your DC to go on a sleepover with a friend? Or a babysitter? But ultimately you need to consider leaving.

[Auberjean]

What hopeishere said.

[TriciaH87]

Don't tell him about your event until the last minute. Then go. Tell him if his going to his your going to yours if he don't like it he can pack his bags and leave as his controlling behaviour is not acceptable

[justbeingadad]

That's very abusive behaviour. I hope you can see a way out of it.

[yuiop]

He's an abusive prick. Can guarantee there are other things going on and your ds is effected by it too. You need to leave him.

[HouseworkAvoider10]

Allowed????

You're a grown woman.
You are not his property.
Sorry but you are in an abusive relationship and you need to get a divorce.
it will never get better.

Contact Women's Aid too and do the Freedom Programme.

[WagtailRobin]

You only are not "allowed" to go out if you agree to listen to him; Go where you want, you don't need to seek his permission.

You're allowing him to dictate and be in control of you and the fact is you can stop him, regain your power, your independence and away you go.

Please genuinely have a think about what he is doing and what you are accepting, he is wrong, very wrong, (same would apply if a woman was trying to prevent a man from going out) and you really do not have to live like this.

[BritInUS1]

Wow why are you together?

[PapayaCoconut]

same would apply if a woman was trying to prevent a man from going out

Oh, FFS, stop muddying the waters with this PC bollocks. There's a reason we have Women's Aid and not "Men's Aid". Men and women are not equal in society and men like the OP's partner use this dynamic to gain and retain control.

[Coyoacan]

Well, it sounds like it is not so easy for you to leave right now, but you can start planning.

[HideYourBabiesAndYourBeadwork]

You’re being abused OP and it’s become so normal for you that you don’t even know it. It’s not as simple as “oh, just go out anyway” while you’re living it.

Please contact women’s aid when you can and until then have a look at their website www.womensaid.org.uk/

[OverByYer]

I would get a job in the day, full time.
Arrange wrap around child care.
Book a baby sitter and go to the Xmas do.
Then I’d be looking for alternative accommodation.
He sounds like a complete pig

[Coyoacan]

It’s not as simple as “oh, just go out anyway” while you’re living it

Nope and the problem is ongoing.

OP, as part of your preparation, get in touch with Women's Aid, as this is emotional abuse, at the very least, and enrol in the Freedom Programme near you. Find out what you would be entitled to in terms of benefits and child maintenance and then think what changes you would have to make to be able to live apart.

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

Heading out but just wanted to copy and paste this here from government website:

Controlling behaviour is a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour


3.1 Section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015 - Controlling or Coercive Behaviour in an Intimate or Family Relationship

Section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015 created a new offence of controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship^

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

Obviously what he's doing is immoral behaviour but it is recognised as a punishable offence (and rightly so)

[Emeraldshamrock]

My Ex was like this.
He was an underhanded controlling bastard based on his insecurities.

[Tiredmum100]

Seriously LTB. What a controlling dick head. Life is too short to be with someone like him.

[NameChangeNugget]

LTB. Sounds like insecurity based on his own behaviour

[recklessruby]

Wrong OP you are allowed out. You are not a 15 year old who can be grounded.
Are the obstacles child care which he refuses to do? Get a babysitter.
Is it transport issues there/back? Get a taxi.
Or is it controlling abusive behaviour coz he doesn't trust you around your male work colleagues? Does he mind you going out with female friends or is that not allowed?
I think you d have a happier life without him.
The Christmas party is the tip of the iceberg with this sort of control (abuse).

[PositiveVibez]

If your son was treating his future partner like this, I bet you would be ashamed of him.

But this is what he is seeing. Men are the masters of women. Women need their permission to leave the house.

Men don't look after their children. It's the woman's job.

Please, break the cycle.

Was your dad the 'king' of the house, or was his?

[GrumpyHoonMain]

He’s abusing you. The only way to deal with this is to take the kids, all the money in all joint accounts, and leave while he’s at the Christmas Party. Go to a nearby shelter if there is one or to family

[HeyManIJustWantSomeMuesli]

Sometimes you can't see what is going on until someone points it out to you.

And sometimes you can see exactly what’s going on but it has been presented and twisted in such a way that it is impossible to confront it without looking like bonkers/unreasonable/nasty or whatever. If this in any way strikes a cord I’ve found the best least-bad way of approaching it is the very first time you mention ‘it’ (work do or whatever) present it as if you are definitely going this time but I’m a happy, chirpy ‘I can’t believe I somehow never manage to make it!’ kind of way that says very clearly you will obviously find a solution to any (utterly blameless) obstacle but without being confrontational.

I found this method somewhat successful most of the time whilst giving myself breathing space to plan to ltb. It also gave him ample opportunity to ramp it up in the unreasonable-o-meter which, although thoroughly unpleasant, really focussed the mind on ltb.

[HeyManIJustWantSomeMuesli]

Obviously only if you are physically safe.

[WatchingFromTheWings]

My exh was very similar. He told me one year I couldn't go to my works Christmas party as we had no money. He had to go to his ofcourse, as he'd paid the £10 deposit for his food back in January when it was booked. When I checked the online banking later that evening he'd withdrawn £100. And spent it all then shit himself on the walk back from the train station.

Final straw for me was when he called me all the C and B words you could think of outside our kids school after sports day after he found out I'd put £10 petrol in the car to go and see my dying father. He was stood there opening a brand new packet of cigarettes whilst doing so. I left him 3 months later.

[prawnsword]

Make a plan to leave this controlling, suffocating person. This sounds like a living nightmare ! There is a post on relationships now with someone who has recently escaped a similar sort of abusive person. All the best

[FreedomfromPE]

I'm with you op. My ex used to tell me that the kids would go into care if I was expecting him to look after them. To be honest although he's occasionally been OK he literally punishes them by dropping them at my house for anything he sees as bad behaviour. They actually hate him. Your son will probably feel more secure living only with you rather than a parent who is refusing them love, support and time in this way. All the unmumsnetty hugs